I miss you. Wherever you are now.. I miss you so much..ajushii.

365 days

Good thing about having several relationships before, I mean not all at one time but after you have gone through relationships with different kind of people before is you know more about your own feeling and what you really want. I don't say that it makes u an expert in relationships but for me it's a way to know myself more. Each of us went through different kind of experiences. So, it make sense if we react differently toward a same situation. Well, I can't lie that part of it was an acute reaction, emotion driven decision. But the reason for the "365 days contract" was 60%  based upon those past experiences. In a different part of me say it's going to be like..okay,whatever. While the other portion of it says, nah..it's over, let's just forget about it.
The weird thing was.. I do felt hurt. Sedeh bah. I don't want to lose a good friend like him of coz..but staying as a friend at this point of time is worse. Of cos it's going to be awkward. I don't like that awkwardness... Err.. Pelik tu..just imagine. Walaupun mcm melampau pun ada.. Smpai sy unfriended and block semua. Obviously, it was an acute reaction. Hmm.. Xpa lah..dah tlanjur block..teruskn je lah. Haha. Until maybe at one point yang tu benda automatically unblock itself. Sementara tu biar ja lah.

Hmm..I intended to write this long time ago. But after weeks since I first started writing this post I only got the chance..er..mood to continue writing. Because... Simply because I think what I did was not really right. But at the same time I think it is good also to make it this way. I really hate awkwardness.

Ok.. Let's post this for once. Lama sudah betul draft post ni tersimpan sni. Kasi post seja lah. Oops..one more thing. Now..I start to question about all my decision before. Was it right when I decided to leave William? Hehehe.. For whatever reason, I think I did that right.

K.. Bye.. Till then..

Ego...

Dear C,

Everyone has their own ego. Mine is big enough to cause me a terrible headache..and heartache. I miss u a lot. Not being able to say that I miss u is so annoying and painful. Oh God.. I miss u a lot😭😭😭..

P.S, I'm drunk at the moment... So this is a drunk post.

Sincerely,
Rosa.

it's been a long time..again...

My last entry was in December last year...and of course it was about that same old story. Haha.. reading those entries now make me realize how stupid I was back then. Punya buduh! Kalau dulu mcm cinta gila kali sy pikir. Skrg macam cinta bodoh seja tu.! Ngok ngok! But it's okay.. I'm glad that I have those experience and stupidity in my love story. Bleeuurrrkkkk...mcm mau muntah dgn diri sendiri. Hmm...it has been two years now since the last time we met. So many stupid thing happened along the way. And... finally! After 2 years.. I declare myself a proud and happy single lady! Hahahahahaha... What I mean is.. I finally get over it. Punya buduh keciwa barabis..lepas dua tahun ni baru rasa neutral balik. Heizz... bah.. Since I got time to write then marilah sy mau crita satu kisah boring ni.. manatau bleh jd laris..hahahaha...

A long time ago... no lah.. 2 years ago seja. There was an unhappy couple who just found out that the were not really honest to each other. Well I, swear the girl was honest enough to him but he didn't think the same way. It hasn't been long enough since they started dating and that was the main problem! They haven't know each other very well. But they had a great time..actually it was fun..not bad. She really liked him. He's not so bad except the fact that he was actually cheating on her.! He was that kind of funny...badan sado2 sikit, a bit of romantic maybe..and she felt the chemistry between them. Unfortunately...it was just a dream. In reality...there was a lot of lies and dishonesty. Bah.. In the end, separation seem to be the best option. So be it. But it wasn't that easy! No no no.. So many fights and arguments even after they called it over. Jadi si perempuan yang buduh2 ni susah bah dia mau kasi lupa kisah dorg. Asyik2 ada seja gangguan dr si lelaki tu. Kunun2nya mau stay as friend! Friend my ass! Teda! Kalu sudah teda tu kawan pun nda layak sudah! Haha..amboi. 

So actually.. Behind that stupid girl stood a nice and innocent guy who has been waiting for her for sometimes..let's call him Mr.W. He stood there through her sunny and rainy days. Patiently waiting and never stop to support her back. She knew about it..she knew it very well. She didn't do anything yet. Obviously..bcos she couldn't forget her past! So for the past 1 year plus plus..she has been crying silently. Waiting for miracle that never happen. Wishing a twist of fate in her story..wishing her sado ex-bf to come back and at the same time she wished him to disappear forever from her life. Day after day she lived without a true smile in her face. Each time she got her ex-bf texts she became unstable..like emotionally..haha. A lot of people she met in her way. None of them really touched her heart like how that sado ex-bf did. (honestly..i feel like vomiting writing this right now).

It was a long and lonely journey (as what she thought it was). She knew she need to move on and live on. Suddenly... well..not so surprising actually. Came an old guy (who was not so old by age, he was just older than her) who saw her sadness behind her fake smiles. "Apa Uncle T ni..apasal mcm dia paham ja apa yg sy rasa ni.." her inner self said. He didn't say much different from the rest of her girlfriends actually. Those girlfriends who also been there for her all the time. But there's something else no matter how minor it was at the beginning it caused a major effect in her life at the end. He gave her strength, he gave her hope. He gave her the reason to not to give up easily. (padahal... slalu jg kena brainwash oleh kwn2 lain selain si pakcik tua ni). He said how valuable life is to be wasted crying over someone who is not meant for you. It's okay to be sad..but don't be too sad until you cannot see what is happening around you. He let her see her true self...(or maybe he was just know how to say nice things all the time). Ok..cukuplah memuji dia.. and don't worry, they never be more than just friend. The point is..he was the reason how she started to open her eyes and see the world from a new angle. So in the end she started considering the innocent guy who has been waiting for her for sometimes.. "hmm...maybe Mr.W ni not so bad.."

New story has begun. When I said "innocent" earlier I really mean innocent.. (Just imagine what kind of innocence you don't want to deal with in your life ..if u got me, good!). She didn't mean bad. It just that maybe...
No.1: she never really like him in to begin with
No.2: he was just too "slow". I mean he was too passive!
No.3: he was still too slow and passive
No.4: he was way too slow and passive
No.5: she never like him..end the story..

In this story, you may see him as how the girl saw him. Because I never get his version of story. It's not that I never try to korek the story. I tried so many times. But u know how slow people are. 
She called it over. Before he could propose her for marriage..well that's what in his mind. It's okay not to spend more time together now and save it later after they get married. What??? No! She couldn't agree with that. It's important for him to make her to fall in love with him first! Did he realize she was trying hard to like him just because he was a nice person and she didn't want to miss something like that. (ttett!! tujuan dan niat sudah salah dari awal). Okay.. so she called it an end over a dinner that probably the worst dinner Mr.W ever had in his life. Kesian dia....dah lah lepas tu dia texts pun she didn't layan.

Moving on to the next chapter. If God say you will fall in love again and so be it... 4 months ago..almost lah, she never thought that she would fall in love again. To someone she never thought will turn her world upside down inside out.. AARRGGHHH..gila eh! I swear to God she fell in love with him big time! She never plan to.. she never expect to.. she never thought so. Byk sgt masa dia spend sma ni org.. Oh God... she became like a child. Being in love make her crazy. She cried several times because she was jealous with some other girls who were close to him. I won't write much about him yet because this still supposed to be a secret. Just bear in mind that this guy is not Uncle T or Mr. W or some crazy ex-bf. He is a friend and that is the main reason she keep quite. If telling the truth will ruin their friendship that she rather suck her own feeling..absorb all the bitterness than to lose a friend like him. Honestly..she doesn't feel so happy right now for some reason... She isn't sure what to believe now...but for sure, to keep that friendship from breaking up she would let her own feeling go. 

I nak nanges kuat2...T_T

Okay lah.. at least now I still can say I am a proud and happy single lady. I love this guy very much.. I never thought I will fall in love again until I met him. But.. to love doesn't always mean to have and to hold. If God.. say you will fall in love again...but he is not meant for u. He will only be a friend.. Then...so be it.


Unexpected

Found one photo that I never expected to stumble upon to. His very own photo was taken  with my phone last time.. Bitter sweet. The picture he #sm used to share n to impress other girl while it was taken by some other girl's phone...my phone!!. Urrgghh.. I hate that part so much! Sangat dayus!... But I never saw it coming that I do miss him so much. I had this kind of feeling that's like...realizing how much you had love someone so wrongly and it had made your life up side down so badly for sometimes..and then he left u just like that.. I admit I miss him so much...only God know...keep thinking about him for an hour and this post..came out. I have to let it out somehow...to be at peace. I remembered everything..how can I ever forget. But this is one of the two things I will never forget. Second one is..when he said there's no future.. Oh gosh.. I won't forget these until the day I die... Ok..a bit easy now. Fuuhhh~~ thank you dear diary.. I am relieved that I never ever saw him anymore..now he is just a memory. Unfortunately..the darkest memory I ever have.

I found the boring guy

What love suppose to be like?
Is it suppose to make ur heart race or flutter? Does it always has to be like that..? I don't know but when love came this time..it's abit unexpected.

Thank you, Lord. I think I  have been opening up a bit. U know what? Time does heal a broken heart. And of course it's 90% came from your inner strength. It consists of what ur foundation is..ur belief and ur positivity.

I still believe that as long as I try to avoid my past from coming back to me, then I  will be OK. Yes..it works for me. It's not that I don't want to forgive and forget about my past. Forget..no, I will never be able to forget. Forgiveness? That's between me and God. Who said I don't forgive? I need to forgive. But it is not that easy. So as long as I  won't see that someone for the rest of my life, I  will be able to have a closure..and forgiveness. I thought it was well...for sometime. Until recently, that guy started to send texts again. Do u honestly think that I still trust u after what happened? And obviously u can't even keep ur own promises that u won't contact me anymore. It only lasted for few months then here he goes again. If what he want is some forgiveness then he doesn't have to worry. First of all..if i want to forgive someone or not..dat is between me and God. Or if he thinks that I owe him an apology.. I am deeply sorry for what happened before. I was too dumb to realize that I  had gone too far. I am sorry but please keep urself away from me. I don't want to see u in my future as a friend, as a stranger or even as anything. U are living a happy life now so don't make my life hard. Keep ur distance. I had been so happy and at peace this whole time until u texted that day. Ok. That's enough about that u-know-who guy. He is just a guy without a firm ground. Who can't even keep his own promise.

Hmm... I am scared if I had been too bad. But ermm.. Thank God.. I do feel better now..minus those recent issue I'd mention just now. But ya.. At least now it's better. Thanks to that boring guy. Oops.. Haha.. Iya.. I found one boring guy. Like...so boring..tidak romantic langsung! But he's nice and caring. Or at least he didn't look at out differences at jump into conclusion that we might not have future together. Instead what he said was it's fun to be different. He's not someone new though.. He had been there the whole time.. I just recently realise that I shouldn't be so hard on him. Things going on nicely so far. Though as usual..we are too busy with our own job. But I  tried to spend as much time with him. Anytime we can spare for dinner or meal together then we will just squeeze in. I'm leaving it all to God and I  don't want to do the same mistakes I did before.

Open up...

Oh Lord... How should i do..? To open up my heart for him. He is still there..after all I had done to him.. Lord..make me forget about the past..the one who said there's no future.. Lord.. I am desperately need to forget and accept this honest man..
Aarrrggghhh... So stressful..

to the other sides

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kota kinabalu, sabah, Malaysia

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