How to stay positive?
Since i finished my AM review so early today..and my head is full of ideas..well..actually few ideas only. I was thinking how to stay in positive mode no matter what kind of situation u are in. Maybe not working but i'll experiment this and we'll see the result later.
One...instead of complaining of every hardship u r in..smile and say yes..another easy job to be done...going to finish this with a snap of my fingers.
Two...set ur mind to be cool all the time. Somebody give u hard time, be cool. Sure enough that person is not as cool as u. Hahaha..
Three...urrmmm..lost of idea od. Ok.. Remain calm n steady when problems come. Although this never work with me. I always like..scream at d top of my lung each time.
Four...ok..this is my favourite. Maybe sounds crazy but i like this. Make a little "drama"....well not dat complicated kind of drama. Just make a simple imagination of how the ending u expect to be...make fun of it..make it fun.. I imagine myself on d top of the world in the end of d drama..hohohoho. Of coz not always work out but at least it's fun.
Five...thought blocked od.. Ok..the end.
Hm..no matter how hard ur problem is it's best when u stay positive, optimistic, strong and keep holding on and believe in urself.
Get helps..be open, be extrovert if u think u can't stand alone. There's always an opened door in every room..or at least window..or ceiling opening..(is there such thing..?)..or ventilation system which lead outside to get out from ur problem. Every problem got its solution..or else it's not a problem. It's a unchangeable fact instead. And remember..when all 4 walls around u are trapping u in..the roof will always be opened to u. Bcos God from above will always come to help..
about you..
Being extended in Paeds..that's the big so called issue that i have now. Still can't 100% accept the fact that I'm still in Paeds by now. But..well..actually it's a good thing for me..i still got a lot to learn in here..so much..maybe it has to be this way. So that i can learn more.. But still..trjumpa my friends all now wearing white coats..*in Paeds we are not wearing white coat*...they all in O+G now..so jealous of them...but..gotta keep my head on.. I'm going to survive this Paeds..will go through my 3rd CEX with 3 examiners..and don't get kicked out from Sabah. Aarrrrrggghhhh!!! somehow all this problem shouldn't happen in the first place if only i didn't lose my focus on the bigger things in life. I got carried away by unimportant things which had affected my life so badly..and now only i can think straight that the only source of problem is that insincere so called "relationship"..a chapter in my story that i wish i could re-edit, re-write, re-construct... And me be the persona in my story..living my life happily and more conscious of the cruel heartless world...
well..it's a good experience anyway in life.. I got to see different person..a jerk..a bastard..a loser..a nice one..a caring one..and whatsoever! Everyday i meet different kind of people. He's one of a kind. Indescribable.
Guardian Angel: Haiya!! how many posts oredi U keep writing about a person?! Get a life Rose!!
Me:...urm...in a bit later..can aa? this is d last one i promise..
Guardian Angel: U better keep ur promise!
Me: **wth?..i'm writing a stupid dialogue..who the heck is guardian angel??? Lantaklah!
Ok..since i promise my "Guardian Angel" to write about him for the last time..so this is it. I'm gonna write short..i'll try..hahaha.. Let's make a nice summarized story to wrap up this chapter of my life.
Once upon a time...the was thing called Facebook where all people of different level of intelligence and stupidity, all socializing in one social media which now scientist and researchers found it as addictive as drug! I was in that social media..shockingly! Hahahaha.. Ok..hmm..knew him from my hommie..Cilla. Who's the one responsible for approving his friend request. I swear it wasn't me who clicked the 'approve' button. Then at first i was just layan jer lah. I was quite free i guess.. n flirty too.. LoL..
We actively messaging and chatting. Of course I had him background check but maybe a limited one lah.. only vell and cilla whom giving quite good comments. Ya..i fell for it! And honestly, i found him interesting at first. He was so random, quite funny..telling random stories which were so.........random as well. He wanted to be a doctor..initially..which later i knew after knowing how doctor's life is like he completely changed his mind. So funny..but good thing for him not being a doctor.. doctor sucks! At least..maybe at least..i don't know.. his current job is better..although he keep saying that he feel he's not meant for his current job. He likes all those research thingy..and ya..he keep bragging of his successful malaria paper which been published internationally. Deserve an applause! Good for him. But I do hope that he will someday use his true potential in things or job that he really like. Pray for him.
Ok..messaging and chatting part went to the next level. The bizarre, extremely extreme first meeting. I better not tell the detail because it was bizarre. But one thing i remember.. it was of course awkward for the first few moments than amazingly later i didn't feel awkward at all. I was very anxious actually before meeting him of course..so many thing came up in my mind..what he'll be thinking of me after seeing me in person. Lol..i'm not a pretty girl at all. I got no charm, not a thing is interesting about me. So in short, a conclusion of the first meeting..we already start with a wrong step. Something that was more human than well...we are Believers..and it was far from that.
The subsequent meetings and time we spent together were...yes..fun..human like. Human that like to have fun and dislike to think of wrong and right. How we really feel about each other? Hmm..i guess we dun really have a true feeling towards each other..it was more like....I don't know how to describe it.. maybe for fun only. We've known each other for short time only. Too early to have feeling to each other. Well of course I did tell him few time that I "love" him. But i asked myself back..was it really to that point? No..not yet! even now..today 17/5/2014 @ 1.12pm..still not to the point of Love. Still too early..too raw..too sudden if i jump to that conclusion. But the feeling of liking is there..i did care about him..still do now even tough we are completely done now. I think this is what happen when u close to someone. You cannot run from feeling something for that person. He's nice juga bah..i'm not denying that. Not completely bad.
Every human made mistakes. So did him..so did I. I should have realize that we were completely doing and going on this relationship for fun only. While i'm slowly growing a deeper feeling towards him, I found out that he actually has another relationship which is far more precious to him than what we had. I guess I had this gift to suspect things that aren't right..I hate that i suspected something wrong. Later, I found a name. Not from his other facebook page..i didn't stalk him i swear. But as the saying said, curiousity kills the cat. Well..i was killed by my curiousity..haha..now i'm a zombie..khe khe khe..ok back to the story. xxxxxxx is that girl's name..first time i saw the name popped up in his phone..repetitively..n one time he tried to hide it cepat2..so dat's when i started to suspect something.. I swear..i'm not that kind of people who check other's phone..it happened by accident..i swear to God. Ya...relationship of more than 2 years. See! I'm a thirdy in here. Bad girl..! I should be punished! It breaks my heart badly. I couldn't live normal for sometimes. That's when i couldn't focus at all at my job. I failed all my exams in Paeds...which was super easy..i'm a smart girl but I got extended. I completely turn into a fool..macam org yg x penah masuk medical school..i became forgetful, i couldn't function well at my work.
So things become more twisted later. I remember he said that we were just the same. Both unfaithful..i msg with other guy too so did he with other girl. I feel like he's putting the blame on me instead like he never wrong. It stroked my brain, i got cardiac arrest straight away..that was so mean! Well..fair enough. Who am i to him anyway. I felt so devastated. Things were so unfair. All that i'd been giving him i did it honestly but instead he gave me a hard invisible slap on my face. I was lost..so in need for explanation which he reluctant to give even i asked for so many times. I basically, truly stood on a line..wanted to know but not want to know at the same time. More like just wanted to project all my angers. So hard to write this down but it happened od..so.. I know he really love that girl..just that they had a different religion. And according to him, the girl's family is so of conservative kind of thinking..sangat alim lah..x mau negotiate lah mau tukar agama2 ni. Hmm...doesn't look like a problem to me. He can just follow that girl anyway. He can't even eat seafood because of his allergy..hmm ngam sudah masuk tu agama..Pork part..hmm..like he can't eat it behind their back. Tu ja pun. Religion? Hmm..after they get married he still can do whatever he likes bah..unless the girl will kill him instead..or a queen control..or a serial killer..takut kana bunuh kali...hahaha.. kalu sblm ni pun pandai sudah curang2 blakang tu pmpuan..buat dosa skalian mustahil nda pandai buat walaupn suda kawin nanti..buduh oo...(for me i don't want to be with someone like dat for the rest of my life rationally). Lepas kawin sepa lg peduli..ramai pn begitu..dia pn masuk dlm tu group lah tu nnt.. Lol.. And just imaging my situation in this situation..the third party..like been keep as a spare..(the other guy call it like dat..then i realized..ya betul jg..)...he don't even like me..kept for fun only..
Hmm..mulut jahat sudah ni. Write inappropriate things. I do feel sad for him bah juga.. I know he's having hard time too..he's just a human..can't escape from mistakes..i know he sakit hati jg... He got problems too...his brother..he must be worried a lot about his brother...his job..which maybe he dun enjoy much.. and he said he don't have much friend or support there..sedih jg.. His conditions..his asthma..his thigh pain...i'm worried too..i hope it's nothing serious. With his gf tu..at risk of not been given blessing by the girl's family..kalu lah nda kena blessing..he must be very sad n devastated. Kesian dia..i hope the girl's family won't be so hard on him..supaya nda lah buduh sgt xmw terima org semata2 sbb agama..ok pn jg dia tu. *somehow i feel sorry for that girl if they end up together anyway..apa lagi if she know the things he had been doing behind her back..* I wanna be on his side to support him..but nda sanggup sy tahan sakit hati sendiri. Sakit bah hati. At least he still got his gf he can rely on and get support from.. Sy? sendiri sorg2 nda kana peduli..sedih..lol..sad but i still found it funny saying dat way. Never mind..i'm a positive person..at least trying to be one. I still my family..my friends..
Now that he's gone..i feel more...i guess normal again..less depressed..less heartache..more..normal. It wasn't really normal for me especially after i knew him. More humane rather than of what a Believer should be. Him also..we being apart maybe better..at least no more wrongdoings. It wasn't easy u know to lose him. I had to came up with the most dramatic actions and completely jahat plan. I purposely disturbed him while he's working..sparked the fight out of the blue after giving a happy-no fight-baik2 saja moments. Most of the time i said things i didn't mean..put all the blame on him.. Just to make him hate me and leave me forever. I deleted everything..his contact number and all..just to forget him..i wasn't so easy. I cried a lot. After what i had done to myself..i still can't forgive myself.. Layakkah lg sy d depan Tuhan? Bah..masanya utk kembali ke pangkal jalan..kembali sama Tuhan..
At this point of time..i hope i won't see him again. I got feelings too...and in dilemma too... I want him to be the only one i be with..but thing don't go dat way..it's not my control. I have to accept that fact. So, need to head on..xpa lah.. Cilla said, it can't be the only reason to keep being with some1. Ya lah..honesty, sincerity and love must come first. Not just..the one reason... Lagipun..kalu lah i mean something to him..surely he'll stand for me..but no..he didn't..he never did n never will..i know.. Now..i need to take care of myself.. Sepa lg mw jaga my own well being if it isn't me myself. I need to keep my heart secured, take time to heal. I hope for a better future for me..not to be kicked out from Sabah most importantly.
I hope the best for him too. So that he can come back to the right way as well. Back to God. Me too..to come back to God.
I wanna say sorry for all the harsh thing i'd said. If one day he able to read this..i'm so sorry honey.. I did it purposely.. i wanted you to hate me.. Forgive me..
Please take care of yourself. I still care..but i need to take care more of myself now..i need to be selfish now. For my own good..and u too i hope..
I pray that he'll always be in good shape..his health...his asthma..his thigh pain...Tuhan sembuhkan dia. I pray that one day he able to show his true potential..job wise. That he'll be able to do things that he love the most..whatever it is.
Hon..i sayang hon juga..will always do.. I never regret knowing you..
I cherish every moments we shared..the time we spent..the funny things..the places..the foods..bak kut teh..chicken feet..the fights..the nagging.. and all...i miss them so much...
SM
Soooooo long.. ok lah! tutup lah ni cerita.. No more story about him! I promise!
Just a chapter in my life. Of course I feel so sad letting him go..like a part of me is dying..but what can i do?
I'd learn a lot. and one day i'll be smiling thinking about this..i hope. I learnt the wrongs..and i want to do the rights.. starting from seeking His forgiveness. Come back to God.
WANT TO SCREAM!
Hmm..i wrote this title a while ago when situation was a bit different. I fell like wanna screammmmmm!!! Aaarrgghhh!! ok stop! Silent scream may be not helpful here..well i can't scream now..alone at home, nnt jiran pikir i dah kena sampuk..LOL. Anyway, the reasons to scream are..
One... I got extended in Paeds!! I feel like shit! This shouldn't happen if i didn't get distracted by my personal stupid issues. I failed repeatedly in all exams. Now my life is hanging by the thread..if i fail my 3rd CEX i'll be tranferred out of Sabah...which i feared so much..
Two... No holiday at all! Nowadays, Paeds dept dun give a damn day off for the whole month..maybe year..so stupid! Even machine get its rest sometimes..urm..maybe some some machine need to works around the clock but we are human!! Are u freaking insane. I got no life like this..urmm again..not really no life but..dis is still crazy man. I dun even have time to visit my family in kampung.
Three... At home in Kg. Things aren't good. My mom got injured after she tripped and fell earlier this week. I feel so sad. I can't even go and see them because i can't get out from here. My omma called and she's so need help..my papa don't even care.. i don't know what's happening in there anymore. I feel like I'm not helping at all. I only focus on my personal issue this recent and i missed the more important matter. I hope i can get cuti the end of May..just to go back home and be with them.
Four.. Ok..personal issue. which yes..had been turning my life up side down. It's none to blame to actually.This whole time I always looking for something, someone to blame it on. I blame it on Ajushii..well he deserve to be blamed of i guess..haha..so cruel. I blame it on my job..on me! But all of the problems are my problem anyway. It's me who couldn't handle the situation. Blaming it on other just don't make the problem vanished or solved. It gave me more burdens..but for now..let's things cool down..i need t focus on how to thrive here.
ok..i need to focus on my life more..restore to my previous state..and the point to restore at is before i know Ajushii. I'm not saying that the live before that point was the best..no! i still got a lot of problems that time. But if i had the chance to rewrite the story beyond that point i would. My life would be different now i guess. Ok.. got a lot to write but later lah..in different page..
ok..to myself...keep ur head real...ur mind in sane state.. Don't be grumpy!
Awkward...
Hmm...wrote alot recently.. I need to let it out somewhere lah..if not im going to explode. Hmm..here seems to be a good place..no one will be angry and be pissed off..i can write my thoughts here freely. At least here got some freeeeedom.. LOL.. Ok..i basically write down my feelings at d very moment..then forget it. Hmm..i thought dis was good..hmm bcos usually i feel so RELIEVED after spilling out everything but 1 thing i ignored..will that affect others? bah..ofkoz la bah..if u tiba2 marah2 urg..EMO2 sana. Ok..sorry. Btw..of cos i'm writing about HIM..so dear myself..when u read dis later..bear wif it..this problem had been affecting you a lot..so give urself a chance to kasih luah perasaan puas2. Ok..now even massaging wif him i feel so awkward. It didn't feel awkward at all when i first met him. Now i feel so AWKWARD..d conversation feel so awkward.. I feel like he's a COMPLETE STRANGER.. I don't know how to feel about this..calling him honey also will be so awkward..n maybe not applicable anymore... I can see where dis is going.. Maybe d awkwardness will continue..i dun really wana talk to him right now..bcos i'm afraid if i do mistakes again..in d end i'm d one at fault.. Though of cos i MISS him so much..haiz...knowing dat i still miss him is a sad fact. I dun think he miss me..no..he doesn't. So..where this is going to? Idk..my prediction...awkwardness continues..then slowly-slowly losing contact........... T_T............ Maybe.. I won't fight for it..bcos i had no importance here. I can't force someone to love me.. Though i like him so much..but...for me CARING or CARING someone means i want dat person to be happy..if he's not happy with me..then....it's sad..i dun want to write..ok..suck ur tears up..it's morning...going to work soon.. Hmm just letting dis out lah..since it will be awkward telling him this.. Ajushii..i miss u..have a great days everyday.. GOD BLESS U honey...
????..still bored...
Nothing...just bored..damn bored!!! Hmm...counting..how many pair of shoes sandals i have now..hmm..
At home in kg.. At least 8-10 pairs..in shoe boxes..some are decaying..unused..
At cilla's house..1,2,...9, 10!! Some in shoe boxes as well.. Huurrhhhggghhh.. Ok..i wanna sell some...my graduation heels..eh..it was wedges..bought it for 50 or 60 bux..wore once so far..ok..so waste of money..nnt i buat iklan lah..sell..i think i wont use it anymore..but they r so nice..red wedges..
Ok stop..so bored dat i even count my shoes nw.. MRI ongoing..
At home in kg.. At least 8-10 pairs..in shoe boxes..some are decaying..unused..
At cilla's house..1,2,...9, 10!! Some in shoe boxes as well.. Huurrhhhggghhh.. Ok..i wanna sell some...my graduation heels..eh..it was wedges..bought it for 50 or 60 bux..wore once so far..ok..so waste of money..nnt i buat iklan lah..sell..i think i wont use it anymore..but they r so nice..red wedges..
Ok stop..so bored dat i even count my shoes nw.. MRI ongoing..
Hmm..wana go jalan2 pula..not shopping la..bcos obviously..pokai sudah now..jimat2.. Just wana go out..melancong..huhu...i really wana go Bali..alone pn xpa lah..sob sob..my life is so sad.. Ommaaaaaa~~ cry cry...dlm hati.. Ok..lets make d plan..when..n where.. Maybe early of August dis year...go Bali...hopefully..amen!
Random thoughts..n stupiidddd things..
Just bcos i'm bored. Currently escorting a patient for MRI..which is boring..my pt is fully sedated now..waiting for his turn. Oh gosh..i feel so bored.!!
Suddenly got call from Chief Cheo..asking why d pt going for biopsy today never been given explaination about the procedure.. Wif an annoying tone..hei!! I'm not even working yesterday..n i'm not even M.O..ask d ppl who work yesterday lah..why on earth dey never explain..now only when pt is about to be sedated baru mw sibuk2. N asking me pula..hei..i'm still down here escorting pt. Ask d MO la..
Huh!! Dis week i dun hv night call..but will be working Am shift from today till Saturday.. Must be no fun dis week..will be in room 2..wif MO yang i mungkin x suka..bla bla bla..ok..just bear wif it..i'll be here for d next 3 months in dis department.. Hurrgghh..thinking of dat..so depressing. Why lah dis happened to me..??!! Sad.. T_T..lets quit! But x boleh jg..nnt mw keja apa..hmm...in d end..just bear wif it..again..
Suddenly got call from Chief Cheo..asking why d pt going for biopsy today never been given explaination about the procedure.. Wif an annoying tone..hei!! I'm not even working yesterday..n i'm not even M.O..ask d ppl who work yesterday lah..why on earth dey never explain..now only when pt is about to be sedated baru mw sibuk2. N asking me pula..hei..i'm still down here escorting pt. Ask d MO la..
Huh!! Dis week i dun hv night call..but will be working Am shift from today till Saturday.. Must be no fun dis week..will be in room 2..wif MO yang i mungkin x suka..bla bla bla..ok..just bear wif it..i'll be here for d next 3 months in dis department.. Hurrgghh..thinking of dat..so depressing. Why lah dis happened to me..??!! Sad.. T_T..lets quit! But x boleh jg..nnt mw keja apa..hmm...in d end..just bear wif it..again..
Ok..looking forward for the weekend.. Off on Sunday...which i'm so happy about.. We'll be having Komsel picnic at Kionsom waterfall..hehehe..at least once in a while..be out there having great times wif friends..so excited! Hmm..food projects.. Going to make cheese cake wif Carne..our jiran n Uca2 komsel member a.k.a Bob's wife.. Sudah lama mw buat cheesecake..never had d chance..hopefully dis time can make 1.. Aarrgghh..again..ward called..asking about pt's ECG..i just started working today dis week! Pt just came in yesterday afternoon! Ask d one working yesterday..not me..ask them why dey didnt do before!! Ok..cukup iklan..smbung crita.. Hmm..cheesecake..shop for stuffs on Friday nite lah..saturday nite to make 1. Ok..set!
We Hmm...not sure about one thing..maybe i shouldn't do dis.. Aarrgghh..lantak lah..dun care od.........urm..i do care actually..bcos im still keeping a hope..on d other issue..hmm..just thinking about dat making me teary..i wanna cry..i miss ajushii..TT_TT...ok..stop..ask urself back..did all the things happen between u n him were real?? No! For him it wasn't..so stop! Suck it up!! Move on! But i miss him.. Aarrgghh.. I basically wrote down every single tots im having.. LoL.. Ok..back to d story i was going to tell just now.. Haiyaa...i so damn bad also lah..i dont know wat to do.. Damn! Ok.. The other guy..lets spill it out about the other guy..i need some distraction for a while...he's recently...quite actively sending msg n all..eerrrrr...suddenly so opened up..bla bla bla..ok..why lah..?? Den..ok admit it..i did ajak him for d picnic komsel dis weekend.. Nahh!!! Ok..no hidden issue..no hidden agenda..honestly.. I was just feeling like want to ajak..in d midst of dis chaotic situation..i do dis kind of thing!! At first i tot he would refuse...but...no..hmm..shocking..dlu i mgurat u jual mahal.. But he didn't promise lah..said, if he got no sudden work call he'll come.. I hope he.....dun come...or come... Hurr~ dun come.. I told earlier...call me stupid..after been treated dis way..i still want ajushii.. I know there's no hope..but at least give me d chance to day dream for a while.. At least a month or two or..as long until i got over it..a year myb..i cared about him..n still..n i miss him.....i hate myself so much!! I hate being 'unfaithful' like dis too..making me as low as those who cheat..who lies..
Ok..dat day..not fully accidental..i talked about ajushii wif The other guy...as he asked...n i answered..abviously..he's ok lah..gave some advises..n i was..ok..screen shots everything n share to vell n cilla..hahaha..ok..cilla was excited..said the other guy must join d picnic later..vell said..hahhaha..funny..muka mcm jambu tapi matang rohani...hmm..mcm pics sudah delete..klu x..mw upload trus sni.. Hehehe...ok..if i'm rational n normal...u know wat i'll do. But for now..i wana stay crazy n stupid..wen i said i care..i still care..let daydream continues.. N please la Rose...dun do things without thinking anymore..u knw its hurtful..be careful..u r responsible for ur own heart.. Dun get broken on purpose..
Ok..dat day..not fully accidental..i talked about ajushii wif The other guy...as he asked...n i answered..abviously..he's ok lah..gave some advises..n i was..ok..screen shots everything n share to vell n cilla..hahaha..ok..cilla was excited..said the other guy must join d picnic later..vell said..hahhaha..funny..muka mcm jambu tapi matang rohani...hmm..mcm pics sudah delete..klu x..mw upload trus sni.. Hehehe...ok..if i'm rational n normal...u know wat i'll do. But for now..i wana stay crazy n stupid..wen i said i care..i still care..let daydream continues.. N please la Rose...dun do things without thinking anymore..u knw its hurtful..be careful..u r responsible for ur own heart.. Dun get broken on purpose..
Ok..pt x masuk2 lg ni.. Punya lama suda tnggu.. From 8.30 till 10.30am suda skrg..tbangun lah blk pt sy ni.. susah jg mw kasi tidur td..x2 chloralhydrate bru tidur..skit lg mw bg midazolam.. Wasting my time..errmm..ok lah..i'm blogging now anyway..so jobless..
Bahh..kasi tutup dlu ni crita..nnt buka entry baru... N most importantly..looking forward for d weekend.. Yay..
I figured it out!
Yet to figure out...? Hmm..d answers slowly revealed. In short..i'm just stupid.! Thought it was different. No! Just a typical lie. No more different than the pasts. In the end I broke my own heart. Putting a hope on hopeless stuffs. I made a mistake..mistake than will ruin my life forever. No...I feel kesian for myself..why i have to go through all these lies? Huh~~nothing will change..so let it pass..move forward. Be responsible for my own mistakes...be responsible for my own heart since no one care about it. Hmm...for a moment i thought it was different...no..just a lie..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Facebook Badge
About Me
