Stories update..
last time..i wrote some so called prelude or watsoever. Haha.. bah..dua bulan kemudian baru ada sequel-nya. Hmm..macam biasalah..ada masa..ada urge to write..but slalu ja separuh jalan. Ada niat ja tapi malas betul mau buka laptop and internet pun kadang2 hilang. Anyway..bah..meh crite2 dlu.
back in swach...
hmm..after several months in QEH, now I'm back in SWACH for this O+G posting which is not really my favourite. This place is full of bitchy and witchy people. Dun understand why people need to be harsh and rude for unknown reason. Malas nak cakap pasal org2 mcm tu. So my target is to leave this department a.s.a.p. Huhu.. I hope i dun be like those people in here later on bila sudah jadi M.O. Tak pasal2 marah2 org. Ui, org buat keja utk kw tau tak? Semua keja remeh-temeh houseman yang buat. Memanglah still ada slacking here and there. Biasalah tu, houseman, apa lg yang baru start..tak bleh ka ajar elok2? Huuhu..padahal sy sendiri pn penah marah2 junior..tp tu kalu yg memang bangang tahap gaban. Contohnya satu budak ni baru start h.o 5 hari, bila tanya brapa kali da ambil blood c+s.?, dia jawab of cos many times oredi..! dengan bangganya dia. Amboi..celah mana pula dia buat blood C+S sblm ni? Skali check semua salah..tak tau pn mengekalkan sterility. Huh! bleter sudah sy sni..haha.
si dia tu...
hah..dis one also another stupid part of my entire 26 years of life. Ya ya.. u heard about him before..tu lah kambing seekor SM tu. Finally..thank God.. I got rid from him finally. Haiz... I dun like hating people bah.. my parents never taught me that. God never allow us to hate others but this one particular guy which was like a pain in the ass. Haiya..buat apa sy merenyek dekat setahun because of that guy who can't even get my name right. Membazir tenaga and masa and perasaan ja for the past a year for still thinking of him. Buduh betul sy rasa sy ni. Just look at what happened..i need to involve that so called innocent ka entah apa tu JG (memang nama sebenar) tu. I should have over him long time ago if I didn't in contact with him all that while. From my previous unpleasant breakups pun, the main factor that contributed to the fast recovery from kekeciwaan was no contact at all after the breakup. Hmm..sekaranglah baru sy terpikir betapa membazir masa betul si kambing tu. Langsung tak berbaloi. See...because he kept disturbing my life, and I kept on thinking of him I couldn't focus on the finer people around me. Haiz..but ya, it's actually better when u truly got over the past first before starting a new relationship. Sebenarnya..tidak kisah pun all this while I'm still being single while he already move on with other..i should have realize that sooner. I never been having any romantic relationship after him until now. Crush tu ada lah sekejap2 then hilang lg.
I still remember the last time we contacted..entah bangang tahap gaban sudah kali sy masa tu. Masih x sedar2 lg dia tu org yang mcmna. Memanglah slalu sy yang keterlaluan..it's because I hate him s much. Honestly..from a good mood I became emotional, angry and irritated once I got his message or anything. Tekanan betul!.. I told my closest friends about him dat time and apalagi..dorg pun sudah lebih brapi dari sy. Mulalah sy and my dear friends bertindak kebudak2an...serang si JG tu. LoL..tindakan paling mulau. Nah..lepas tu barulah sy sedar sepa sy bg dia..mmg hanya mcm sampah. Mulalah keluar part "oh i'm an officer-berpangkat-entah-apa..dun try to blackmail me..ur friends are blackmailing me..mau buat police report..blah..blah..".."u will lost ur job easily..u are still under probation for ur job while i'm not.."..tp so cliche..mau kasi report pulis pasal pulis..hahaha.. Nah amboi..ni ka lelaki yang patut dikejar2 ni? Bazir masa and maruah sy slama ni.. Adui..menyesal sy kenal org macam ni. Omo..apa salah sy sampai terkena orang macam ni.. sedih oo. See..he only care about JG's sake..only when he have to make promise with that terlebih innocent girl baru mau sibuk2 "I won't contact u anymore becos i promise jg od"...all this while when i said "dun disturb me"..smua mcm sampah ja bg dia. Aduh..sakitnya tuh disini didalam hati ku.. teramat sedih. Mimang lah sy sendiri pn penah mungkir janji x mau contact..tp I told him oredi..it was a mistake. This wasn't a good thing for me..i was just too stupid to realize it earlier. haiz..ladies..shud get rid of guy like dis.. I still can't forget when he said "we can never be together..we dun hv future together"..dengan yakinnya..but at the same time said.."oh, me and JG's future..i leave it to God..". While I was leaving to God about me and him before..he never did the same for me. Sedeh oo.. I may not be as perfect as JG yang dia slalu agung2kan tu..but i gave my all honestly when I was still with him without hesitation.. And eventho I knew it won't work out between us, i would never say such a harsh words.."no future..".. Asshole! Are u god?..so it's very sure for him there's no future.. He saw the future od..then why he's not sure about JG?? Why he cheated on her at the first place??...great..such a great man!. Oh Lord..bring me back to You Lord.. I have hated people too much.
Nah.. everytime I think about him I always end up crying. Not because of losing him..but because I lost myself ever since I knew him. How come I became so stupid and blind bcos of him. Hmm..should realize that when we are looking for relationship, not only for the sake of "takut forever alone"..mcm tu kali si JG fikir tu..teda kwn lain kali dia smpai x pandai lari dr lelaki mcm tu.. haiz..kalu sy..tidak tahan oo.. Liar, penipu tahap gaban, tidak setia..pengkhianat di blakang... Ok ok..sambung ayat.. not only for the sake of takut jadi forever alone, but seek for the true and honest one. I believe in those things called true love and soulmate. Biarlah org fikir sy kolot ka apa. Tapi honesty and faith are important in a relationship.
Ui nah..panjang sudah crita ni ging.. Ni hari adalah Hari Raya.. Happy Eid Mubaraak to all my muslim friends. Happy celebration.
bah..lain kali lah update lg. I wrote in mixed language oredi.. lawak.. hmm..sometime i feel like my English become bad when i speak other language too much..hahaha..
Ok..till then.. I'll write more nonsense in the future as before.,hehe..
with love,
rose
prelude.. or watsoever it is.. hehe..
Is this the end?
Finally he said it...to stop hoping for him.. I get it. It's okay...it's still another level of sadness but I am relieved. God bless you my dear ajushii.. Goodbye.
Strength
Building up the strength to move on from the one who no longer care. I had done thousands of damages to you. Yet, now all I want to do now is to mend the wrecks I made but instead I'm loosing you further. I wish I could talk to you like a friend. I know you want us to stay as friend. But part of me is so egoistic and wanted more than what it should be. As a result I pushed you too far and I can't reach you easily. I don't mind being in the friend zone as long as I can know that you are always in a good shape.
I know you are tired of this. So wordy..so emotional..so crappy. But to you the only person that I can show the bad parts of me that I can't do to anybody else. I got no secret to hide from you. I truly regret all the things that I did.
All my life I wish I could see you again. May God allows...
In the meantime.. I'm building this strength to carry on without you in my life. I really hope to see you again dear... I am praying hard to see you again..even if it is on ur wedding day..I won't mind.
#missingyousm
the shortest memories yet the hardest to let go...
i know..i know..i promised not to write about him anymore. But this is another entry about him..him..him..him... him..echoing in my mind. Honestly..yes I miss him like crazy..i miss him like a double crazy people.. never a day without a thought of him.. adoi..this is it. I feel sorry for myself..why am I still living with the past while he's obviously over me..and in fact i know he never think of me more than a physical thing. But WHY???!!! Aaaarrrggghhh!! Geram sama diri sendiri. I hate it when I started to like a person and felt so attached to them..then suddenly everything just vanished at once. I feel myself like trying to grab every last piece of thing about him but end up loosing some more. The thing is...I don't know what i want exactly.
The best thing to do is separation..zero contact for as long as possible. Each time..all i wanted is time and distance without a sudden message popped out in the phone say "good day to u..GBU" or GBU. I knew each time he's honestly mean every wishes he sent. But it's not like it's bad but... i prefer if there's no short message from him for as long as possible. I admit, there are time when i wish i could at least talk to him or ask how he's doing..but..still my best choice is not to contact him. No matter how hard it is for me to avoid myself from contacting him... like mau nangis kuat2..ommmaaaaa.. but still..as far as i can go..dun contact him! Bcos...once i contacted him..or i read d short msg he sent...everything that i had been working on..my hard work and effort to forget him reset to zero. Then..i have to go through the process all over again...the tiring process all over again..
haiya...all these time..what i was trying to do is to create a space..as large as it can get..between us. The larger it is..the more impossible for us to be friend..the better. Show him the very bad part of me..all my nasty words..rude words...just to chase him away. Haiz...can't he get it yet..? I had done and said most things that i don't even mean.. I dun recognize myself anymore..i'm becoming the person i created.. but still..can't he just go..?? He's technically gone..i can't even see him anymore..forever. Why can't he just stop..stop sending msges which reset my effort all over to zero again..u know it's my weakest point.. i am tired..SM...dun u know? I want u away!! I am doing this for u.. u don't need a friend like me..u threw me away long time ago. Stop for once.. U are happy with her...i know that.. u dun have to be friend with me.. It hurts me to know that u belong to someone else. I am thankful that u r happy but i dun want to hear about u being happy with someone else constantly..it hurts.. so give me time.. as long as years or forever.. i know this is selfish..like he always said..i only care about how i feel and not his' or other people.. ya true..dat's the bad things about me that i want u to see...please notice this bad thing..keep in mind and leave...leave like u always do...
I am tired of this.. I never asked to know u..i never ask this thing to happen in the first place..but yet I am the hardest to heal from this..the hardest to let go of all the remnants.. God..help me..help me to forget about him..to let go the memories of him..
haiz...if only...this thing never happen..if i never knew who dis SM guy is.. Things may be different..and i never changed into a bad person like now... i never do bad comments publicly.. or say words i dun mean.. If only i could go back to the point of time before i know him...
this page has become a place for me pour out anything...lol..ok..cukup lah... fokus keja.. lega sudah sikit..
new home...
sudah lama nda tulis blog lg. Well..been a bit busy shifting place. Hehehe..now I am in a new house somewhere in KK..closer to where I work compared to my previous place.
Ok..let's talk about renting place. Hmm..I got dis question a lot.. "Why renting? Why u don't just buy a house?" Well..people..the house in KK is super expensive..i'm afraid if I can't afford. "But renting is membazir ja..". Yes..indeed..but hmm..tak tau lah..I always do unexpected things which I can't explain myself.
Ok..found this house in mudah.my. First thing I noticed..rent..RM1200/month, unfurnished. Hmm..should it be considered cheap for this kind of house? I had no idea..but I think it's reasonable. Ok jg..kot. Later, arranged for house viewing with the owner..luckily it wasn't through an agent thingy. So money saved x1. Saw the house..boleh lah..panjang betul rumput dia. Then after negotiating with the uncle, Uncle Ooi, potong sikit ja pg 1150..aigoo. Ok..the arrangement is deposit + 1 month rent + 500 bucks for utility. Spent 2800 in total for a starter. Great~ T_T.
But the main reason I rent this house is because it's so close to my sister's clinical block. Which is just a 5 minutes walking distance. Ya..she's studying nursing now..which I am so proud of. ^_^.. Second reason, closer to my work place..about 10-15 minutes drive and even shorter without the traffic jam. Third..bah it's time lah. Cannot stay in Cilla's house forever. It's ngam2 a year and a month sudah since I started working.
This house is quite spacious for me. When I shifted all my stuffs in, I thought I had the most barang2 od. But bila masuk dalam..luas lagi. The result of pindah from a small place to a bigger place. Took me more than 1 week to pindah..just during my postnites. Huhu..yesterday was my only off day after a month with postnites only...T_T. From an empty house, the uncle provide additional 2 stuffs in..sofa set and a stand fan for the bedroom without ceiling fan. So I have to buy everything else. Bought some essential stuffs first.. a queen sized mattress 149 bucks, a gas cabinet 129, simple wardrobe 139 + delivery 30 bucks, curtains all costs me 204 bucks!, new tong gas from vel, filled 128, stove 39 bucks, hmm..toiletries and kitchen related stuffs around 200 oredi. wow..give rise to total of 1018 at least! Waaaahhhhhhhh~~ matai oo.. I am so pokai.
Bah..pelan2 lah yg lain tu. Next plan is to get some stuffs pelan2.. Luckily i encountered this Jackson furniture shop, selling stuffs quite cheap compare to other shops like Chan's n other. Mostly sell in harga kilang dia bilang. Will go buy stuff there later. Hmm..next thing..depends lah on availability of budget..need a fridge..a small or medium sized one..dining table for 4 cukup, a large cabinet to put in the living room to at least put my book n some decoration..a kitchen cabinet to put foods in and where i can place rice cooker, heater, pinggan mangkuk and all.. hmm...budget for these..1.5k maybe..pelan2..impossible to do at once. Need to watch out for the unexpected ones.
So we'll be staying here..me, my sister, and my causin Alung so far. Hopefully Pips will come along soon..it's because the bus transportation here is not so convenient. Have to jalan kaki jauh from the main road. Kalau ada kereta sendiri baru ok actually. My mom going to come often..she plans to plant some vege at the backyard.. huhuhu..so exciting. The only things that still pending now are the rumput yg panjang...blum jumpa org yg mw potong rumput. Jiran said slalu ada tu org naik basikal mw potong rumput..but so far x jmpa lg. Next..the gate and fence, some non functioning light bulbs which the uncle said will fix them. Just waiting for that lah. Otherwise..yang lain pelan2 lah buat...logot-logoton. Hmm..I have a vision and mission to have a vintage/floral house concept..hahaha..if possible.
ok..nah..some more views of my new home...yg empty punya..nnt i crita2 bla sudah ada stuff sikit.
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| the living room |
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| the door to the dry kitchen, wet kitchen on the right |
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| the master bedroom..mineeee |
and the rest of the house...
the other rooms, upstair and the messy backyard...
k.. till then.. will turn this place into a nice comfy home.. do come to visit. But please bring some foods along..haha.. Ciao..
the next chapter...
work with bones!!
Mixed feeling at first..happy thinking that Ortho could be relaxing. Sadly now in Yellow team..the team dat with most of the malignant persons in.. namely..dat specific MO..urgghh!! Unprofessional, mean, rude, sarcastic person..u name it. All my teammates are so stressed when he's around. Well..my first time having ward round wif him, he didn't like the way I wrote entry in the case note. So what he did was he teared off the whole page, pushed me aside and ask someone else to write. Wow! Then next patient..I presented the case, but actually my friend reviewed her that morning. Again..he screamed at my face bcos apparently my friend made a mistake in her review. Arrgghh...whatever! I think the longer u work..u met with different kind of people..things become less surprising to u. I've seen people like this..and of course..as a first poster, it will affect u a lot. But then..later it would be just..another rude and mean people u met. Just let it pass. Oh ya.. Yellow team btw focus on arthroplasty and oncology..we are dealing with robotizing human...(well..we change people's joints into robotic one) and with cancer. Yeah..interesting. Green team..ankle and foot, Red team..spine, and Blue team..advanced trauma.
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