roses.are.red

Ego...

Dear C,

Everyone has their own ego. Mine is big enough to cause me a terrible headache..and heartache. I miss u a lot. Not being able to say that I miss u is so annoying and painful. Oh God.. I miss u a lot😭😭😭..

P.S, I'm drunk at the moment... So this is a drunk post.

Sincerely,
Rosa.

it's been a long time..again...

My last entry was in December last year...and of course it was about that same old story. Haha.. reading those entries now make me realize how stupid I was back then. Punya buduh! Kalau dulu mcm cinta gila kali sy pikir. Skrg macam cinta bodoh seja tu.! Ngok ngok! But it's okay.. I'm glad that I have those experience and stupidity in my love story. Bleeuurrrkkkk...mcm mau muntah dgn diri sendiri. Hmm...it has been two years now since the last time we met. So many stupid thing happened along the way. And... finally! After 2 years.. I declare myself a proud and happy single lady! Hahahahahaha... What I mean is.. I finally get over it. Punya buduh keciwa barabis..lepas dua tahun ni baru rasa neutral balik. Heizz... bah.. Since I got time to write then marilah sy mau crita satu kisah boring ni.. manatau bleh jd laris..hahahaha...

A long time ago... no lah.. 2 years ago seja. There was an unhappy couple who just found out that the were not really honest to each other. Well I, swear the girl was honest enough to him but he didn't think the same way. It hasn't been long enough since they started dating and that was the main problem! They haven't know each other very well. But they had a great time..actually it was fun..not bad. She really liked him. He's not so bad except the fact that he was actually cheating on her.! He was that kind of funny...badan sado2 sikit, a bit of romantic maybe..and she felt the chemistry between them. Unfortunately...it was just a dream. In reality...there was a lot of lies and dishonesty. Bah.. In the end, separation seem to be the best option. So be it. But it wasn't that easy! No no no.. So many fights and arguments even after they called it over. Jadi si perempuan yang buduh2 ni susah bah dia mau kasi lupa kisah dorg. Asyik2 ada seja gangguan dr si lelaki tu. Kunun2nya mau stay as friend! Friend my ass! Teda! Kalu sudah teda tu kawan pun nda layak sudah! Haha..amboi.

So actually.. Behind that stupid girl stood a nice and innocent guy who has been waiting for her for sometimes..let's call him Mr.W. He stood there through her sunny and rainy days. Patiently waiting and never stop to support her back. She knew about it..she knew it very well. She didn't do anything yet. Obviously..bcos she couldn't forget her past! So for the past 1 year plus plus..she has been crying silently. Waiting for miracle that never happen. Wishing a twist of fate in her story..wishing her sado ex-bf to come back and at the same time she wished him to disappear forever from her life. Day after day she lived without a true smile in her face. Each time she got her ex-bf texts she became unstable..like emotionally..haha. A lot of people she met in her way. None of them really touched her heart like how that sado ex-bf did. (honestly..i feel like vomiting writing this right now).

It was a long and lonely journey (as what she thought it was). She knew she need to move on and live on. Suddenly... well..not so surprising actually. Came an old guy (who was not so old by age, he was just older than her) who saw her sadness behind her fake smiles. "Apa Uncle T ni..apasal mcm dia paham ja apa yg sy rasa ni.." her inner self said. He didn't say much different from the rest of her girlfriends actually. Those girlfriends who also been there for her all the time. But there's something else no matter how minor it was at the beginning it caused a major effect in her life at the end. He gave her strength, he gave her hope. He gave her the reason to not to give up easily. (padahal... slalu jg kena brainwash oleh kwn2 lain selain si pakcik tua ni). He said how valuable life is to be wasted crying over someone who is not meant for you. It's okay to be sad..but don't be too sad until you cannot see what is happening around you. He let her see her true self...(or maybe he was just know how to say nice things all the time). Ok..cukuplah memuji dia.. and don't worry, they never be more than just friend. The point is..he was the reason how she started to open her eyes and see the world from a new angle. So in the end she started considering the innocent guy who has been waiting for her for sometimes.. "hmm...maybe Mr.W ni not so bad.."

New story has begun. When I said "innocent" earlier I really mean innocent.. (Just imagine what kind of innocence you don't want to deal with in your life ..if u got me, good!). She didn't mean bad. It just that maybe...

No.1: she never really like him in to begin with

No.2: he was just too "slow". I mean he was too passive!

No.3: he was still too slow and passive

No.4: he was way too slow and passive

No.5: she never like him..end the story..

In this story, you may see him as how the girl saw him. Because I never get his version of story. It's not that I never try to korek the story. I tried so many times. But u know how slow people are.

She called it over. Before he could propose her for marriage..well that's what in his mind. It's okay not to spend more time together now and save it later after they get married. What??? No! She couldn't agree with that. It's important for him to make her to fall in love with him first! Did he realize she was trying hard to like him just because he was a nice person and she didn't want to miss something like that. (ttett!! tujuan dan niat sudah salah dari awal). Okay.. so she called it an end over a dinner that probably the worst dinner Mr.W ever had in his life. Kesian dia....dah lah lepas tu dia texts pun she didn't layan.

Moving on to the next chapter. If God say you will fall in love again and so be it... 4 months ago..almost lah, she never thought that she would fall in love again. To someone she never thought will turn her world upside down inside out.. AARRGGHHH..gila eh! I swear to God she fell in love with him big time! She never plan to.. she never expect to.. she never thought so. Byk sgt masa dia spend sma ni org.. Oh God... she became like a child. Being in love make her crazy. She cried several times because she was jealous with some other girls who were close to him. I won't write much about him yet because this still supposed to be a secret. Just bear in mind that this guy is not Uncle T or Mr. W or some crazy ex-bf. He is a friend and that is the main reason she keep quite. If telling the truth will ruin their friendship that she rather suck her own feeling..absorb all the bitterness than to lose a friend like him. Honestly..she doesn't feel so happy right now for some reason... She isn't sure what to believe now...but for sure, to keep that friendship from breaking up she would let her own feeling go.

I nak nanges kuat2...T_T

Okay lah.. at least now I still can say I am a proud and happy single lady. I love this guy very much.. I never thought I will fall in love again until I met him. But.. to love doesn't always mean to have and to hold. If God.. say you will fall in love again...but he is not meant for u. He will only be a friend.. Then...so be it.

Unexpected

Found one photo that I never expected to stumble upon to. His very own photo was taken with my phone last time.. Bitter sweet. The picture he #sm used to share n to impress other girl while it was taken by some other girl's phone...my phone!!. Urrgghh.. I hate that part so much! Sangat dayus!... But I never saw it coming that I do miss him so much. I had this kind of feeling that's like...realizing how much you had love someone so wrongly and it had made your life up side down so badly for sometimes..and then he left u just like that.. I admit I miss him so much...only God know...keep thinking about him for an hour and this post..came out. I have to let it out somehow...to be at peace. I remembered everything..how can I ever forget. But this is one of the two things I will never forget. Second one is..when he said there's no future.. Oh gosh.. I won't forget these until the day I die... Ok..a bit easy now. Fuuhhh~~ thank you dear diary.. I am relieved that I never ever saw him anymore..now he is just a memory. Unfortunately..the darkest memory I ever have.

I found the boring guy

What love suppose to be like?
Is it suppose to make ur heart race or flutter? Does it always has to be like that..? I don't know but when love came this time..it's abit unexpected.

Thank you, Lord. I think I have been opening up a bit. U know what? Time does heal a broken heart. And of course it's 90% came from your inner strength. It consists of what ur foundation is..ur belief and ur positivity.

I still believe that as long as I try to avoid my past from coming back to me, then I will be OK. Yes..it works for me. It's not that I don't want to forgive and forget about my past. Forget..no, I will never be able to forget. Forgiveness? That's between me and God. Who said I don't forgive? I need to forgive. But it is not that easy. So as long as I won't see that someone for the rest of my life, I will be able to have a closure..and forgiveness. I thought it was well...for sometime. Until recently, that guy started to send texts again. Do u honestly think that I still trust u after what happened? And obviously u can't even keep ur own promises that u won't contact me anymore. It only lasted for few months then here he goes again. If what he want is some forgiveness then he doesn't have to worry. First of all..if i want to forgive someone or not..dat is between me and God. Or if he thinks that I owe him an apology.. I am deeply sorry for what happened before. I was too dumb to realize that I had gone too far. I am sorry but please keep urself away from me. I don't want to see u in my future as a friend, as a stranger or even as anything. U are living a happy life now so don't make my life hard. Keep ur distance. I had been so happy and at peace this whole time until u texted that day. Ok. That's enough about that u-know-who guy. He is just a guy without a firm ground. Who can't even keep his own promise.

Hmm... I am scared if I had been too bad. But ermm.. Thank God.. I do feel better now..minus those recent issue I'd mention just now. But ya.. At least now it's better. Thanks to that boring guy. Oops.. Haha.. Iya.. I found one boring guy. Like...so boring..tidak romantic langsung! But he's nice and caring. Or at least he didn't look at out differences at jump into conclusion that we might not have future together. Instead what he said was it's fun to be different. He's not someone new though.. He had been there the whole time.. I just recently realise that I shouldn't be so hard on him. Things going on nicely so far. Though as usual..we are too busy with our own job. But I tried to spend as much time with him. Anytime we can spare for dinner or meal together then we will just squeeze in. I'm leaving it all to God and I don't want to do the same mistakes I did before.

Open up...

Oh Lord... How should i do..? To open up my heart for him. He is still there..after all I had done to him.. Lord..make me forget about the past..the one who said there's no future.. Lord.. I am desperately need to forget and accept this honest man..
Aarrrggghhh... So stressful..

Holiday Part 3.. Dimensions of life

LoL.. the title sound so grand..bleerkkks! Dimensions lah sangat! Ok..Let's talk about other parts of life. Or what I want to write next is about my other dreams..house..car..shopping and love~..hehe.. Like usual.. I am still single of course and I am proud of that..eerr...not really. I'm sad..bila I bleh kawin ni??! Jeles..semua orang mau kawin sudah..Cilla is getting married soon. My single club members are getting less and less. Haiz..stress~and sad. All guys are basically running away from me. (Is it because I ran away as well..?) All saying the same thing.."there's a lot more guy for you out there.." The fact is there's nobody! Instead of trying to be there for me all those dear guys in my life ran away. Teruk sangat ka sy ni? I know I'm not pretty..I don't have supermodel's figure..I can be super rude and harsh if u hurt me...I don't easily forgive if u hurt me.. Haiz.. is there any one out there who can accept me just the way I am? I can only sigh.. Takpa lah..I guess all those guy will say the same thing just like that unforgettable one..:"no future with u"..sakitnya tuh disini di dalam hati ku. But once I care..I won't easily forget that people. It always took me very hard steps and methods to convince myself to go away..especially if someone said "no future"..

There's no sparks...

I got really annoyed recently with Mr.W. I know I was too much..too rude. I don't know how I became like this. This job is basically changing me. Especially this posting, I become more and more "malignant". My friends at work said that I can be really malignant..they were shocked! And after I told my dear girlfriends Cilla and Siaw about that then I realize..ya..my job change me a lot. Cilla has been working as a Research assistant in ENT dept in QEH. So she had been mingling with doctors and hospital staffs. I think she understand more. She said she wasn't shock if something harsh came out from me..hospital staffs are basically too playful..sometime our jokes are not as harsh as it sound..kami2 ja bleh paham... I mean what I said to Mr.W recently is something like that.. What happened was..haiz...I nak mulakan cerita dengan keluhan yang berat ni. First of all..I cannot feel any chemistry with him so far. He is a nice guy..my gosh..the one that I won't hesitate to marry to. But..why I can't feel any "sparks"? He is so not my style! I think I was just pushing myself towards him because I don't want to hurt him but what happen all the time was..I end up hurting him. I end up being sarcastic and rude..and finally he said that I was mean and like to hurt people! Bravo Rose! Good job! But where is that hurting part?? To me it was joke..I was just teasing him for being "girly"..I know he's not..but he is just not a joking kind of person..he took the jokes too much too serious. See..? Where is the chemistry.? I think I need to be with someone like me..same job..so it will be easier to understand. Mr.W...? he most of the time can't understand anything. I feel so easy to read him..so predictable. But he said he can't understand me at all. Errmm..about that.. he probably right. I know he is very honest..I can't count how many time he express his feeling..But I just ignore. The point is..I am not ready! Give me more time.. I still feel hurt from the past one. I told him..I need at least a year.. Why nobody's taking my word seriously. One year is not that long. I can't help but to put a "shield" on my heart. It's still pretty damaged..haven't recovered fully. So it's like a reflex..he is coming closer but I can't help but to keep a distance. Why he can't understand that!

Fuuhhh! This is a very complicated thing. Honestly.. I don't want to lose someone like him. He knows my past and yet he's OK with it. But now, he said he can't understand me and seems like he's going away. Can he give me more time? I need more time, my dear! I am so sad about that...but I can't do anything. I decided for us not to contact each other for a while. It's been almost a week now but I don't feel anything. But thank God he really didn't say a word for a while..which is good.. This give a personal time to think clearly. May be he's hurt out there..but I hope this silent time is beneficial not only for me but for him as well. Lets give it a week or two to calm down. Dear little heart..can u open up a bit? See the bright side of him..---> krik krik krik... uhh..not ready yet..I guess.
I just hope he's doing well out there. Nampak posts dia di wechat moments..tidak banyak tp Ok jg tu..ada yg saja bg sign la tu..tp ignore ja dlu..lol..jangan risau.. He's an adult. Pandai jaga diri. But honestly..I'm not that worried at all..barely thinking about him. Err..is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I want to buy a house...

I got my eye on one house which I think I'm going more and more serious about buying that house. Ok..most important question... budget. My maximum budget..400k. Ya.. I know. Houses in KK are killer-priced...I mean..too expensive. But this house I got my eye on cost 360k! Which is still expensive for me to take alone. I wish I can have someone(..a husband maybe..? LoL..mcm si mr.w pnya hint..i pura2 x tau..) to share the cost. But it would be nice also to have a house on my own..like I am the house owner. Ok..anyway..about the house. It's a townhouse concept house. No land..no private gate or fence..no backyard. It's a intermediate, double storey..3 rooms, 3 bathrooms..about 1100-1200 sq.ft. Jiran sebelah menyebelah sangat dekat..macam apartment pnya rupa skit. Actually i like the house juga. Thinking that may be I can't get offer as good as this one later on. The 360k price pun sebenarnya lepas tawar menawar..tp skit ja dpt..from 380k actually. Probably I will proceed with this house..Ok..kita tinggu dan lihat. Otherwise..hmm..I'm starting to imagine how should I renovate and decorate my future house..heehehe...angan2 besar makcik!

One more thing.. Housing loan! Mana bah bank yang paling OK ni utk buat housing loan. I went to one.. Bank Rakyat. People around always suggest these two banks.. Bank rakyat and bank Islam...mana lg murah and berbaloi.. Sy pn tak tau. Ada cakap tu..ada cakap ni. Actually it's very hard for me to do this. I am so clueless about all these stuffs. Terpaksa lah I bertanya sana sini. Xpa..malu bertanya sesat jalan. Nanti kalu sudah buat skali pastu pandai2 sudah tu..ada pengalaman sudah. Pasal mau bayar balik loan? Kita jadikan rumah tu investment..haah.. Tp kalu sy tinggal sendiri pn mau juga.. Lgpn it's my first house.. kalau lah jadi. Distance? memang agak jauh...lebih kurang macam tinggal d UCA2 dlu..just a bit further. Nanti lah kalu jadi..baru sy disclose mana tempat tu.. skrg..biarlah rahsia.

when can i have a car on my own...?

be patient my dear self... concentrate on one thing first..house. There are two house to concentrate on. Those I wanted to buy and one at kampung. These two are ur commitment now. But..if I want to buy a car I already have one in my mind. hehehe...it's a very nice one..it suits my taste I think.. Honda HRV! Mula2 dulu kecil2 I paling suka Honda CRV. One of my high school teacher have this green colored CRV which i found very pretty. Since then I had been liking those kind of car..SUV type. Then where HRV came out..waa..cantik oo..I like~. Went to Honda showroom recently to have a look on those cars.. they are so nice.. haiz...bila lah dapat memiliki kereta idaman I ni..? Sabarlah wahai hati..satu persatu kita settle. Jangan gopoh..jangan godoot.

Bah..macam biasa..panjang2 ni crita. Haiz..tomorrow I'll be back at work. 3 days holiday is just too short..but thank God..at least I got to take holiday. Brief escape from the crazy world at work. Ok..it's getting late.. I better sleep now so that I can wake up early tomorrow. Let's do our best for tomorrows. Ganbatte!!

Love,
Rose..<3 comment-3--="">

Holiday Part 2.. I quit my job!

I quit my job!

Not quite yet..and probably won't happen. As usual this shitty posting where it full of bitchy witchy people (but not all) is of course the worst posting ever..and in KK especially, probably the worst in whole Malaysia. "Great" changes happened recently. The MOs in-charge in HO are the two of the worst people u can ever get in this posting. Tak lain dan tak bukan..dr.shit. I don't understand kenapa bah dia tu suka betul menyibuk pasal houseman...yang sudah terlebih aa. Macam houseman smua ni budak2 skola rendah yang kena kontrol guna cara paling childish skali. I totally can't agree with someone like that. It's not that I don't respect him but he's most of the time since forever..always over-the-top on everything. Last meeting with him he said, he is so proud because he made two housemen quit their job! What are you so proud of for things like that.? How can a human be so rude and still dare to ask people to be humble like him? Ever since I know him I never saw any kind of humbleness from him. Never! Haiz.. lama lagi sy dlm ni department.. entah apa lgdrama yang sempat sy saksikan disni. Talking about job.. ya. I got extended again. Likas is so not my place. I don't have luck in this place and I will never ever want to work here again after this posting. Meaning..I won't work in Paeds or O+G dept..NEVER! Kalaulah terrr...buang ke department ni..palis-palis... I nak nangis air mata darah sampai hypovolaemic shock! Tidak mau!!! Rela pergi district nun jauh dipelusuk dunia daripada masuk these 2 departments.

OK.. enough about that shitty place. It has been always like that and will always remain like that. Now I need to think more about how to go from here..after housemanship..where should I go?? I can't think or decide..bingung kepala I. Kata hati..I want to stay in KK..QEH..into any department..Surgical or Medical maybe.. or any subspecialties yang kurang busy..bleh enjoy slow life. Haiz..or should I go to District Hospital or Klinik Kesihatan? Mau juga sy merasa keja di district or rural area. Work in a smaller community..everyone knows each other. Must be nice..and slow..everything is slow..not much high speed internet...bad roads..kena naik sampan ka..naik 4x4 baru bleh sampai.. Hmm..sound adventurous! But I'm not sure if I can't be up to that standard. Sejak sekian lama tinggal di KK, scared if I will become like those "city girl"..which I think I am towards that side...huhu.. Rose..kembalilah ke pangkal jalan! Yes! I am a kampung girl..I like kampung2 lifestyle.. and I won't turn into those "city girl"...hopefully.. Lol..mcm tidak yakin ja..hahaha..

Seriously! I need to push myself to think about this and decide. Fuhh~ ok. All this while I was always occupied with busy..busy..and busy-ness. But I still need to think!.. Urrmm...can I just be a housewife? Tapi bergaji doktor.. Hahhaha..I wish~~... Ow..another choice! Nak sangat keja goyang kaki kan..nah..pg try Psychiatry or keja sama JKNS..keja admin! Like what most of my friends here want to do. Honestly..memang ok bah. Tapi..entahlah..I don't feel too excited about that. Each time they said about that, I don't feel any "sparks". I think I want to pursue more in clinical field. Nak rawat orang kunun..direct service. Nak jadi specialist ker...consultant ker. Harap2 lah..amen! So the next step..tu lah..kena decide..mau ambil mana2 MRCP ker..MRCS ker.. Or ada org suggest..if u are not sure what to do, apply ja Master. Haiz..masa depan~~susah..susah.. Tuhan ja yang tahu.. and of course that u-know-who-sm guy..yang memang always say "no future" dengan yakinnya. Haiz..memang tidak bleh lupa sampai bila2. Anyway, the only things that we can do is to continue on the hard work..never give up..and just keep up moving forward! Walaupun ada orang cakap teda masa depan..peduli lah! I'm not that pessimistic.. I can't give up until the end!

Bah! Kena betul-betul berfikir ni. Pasal masa depan ni..jangan main2 Dr. Rosa! Fikir and decide bagus2. Ok?! Ok~ sudah.. mari crita lain2 pulak...banyak sangat parts ni mw tulis. Ni lah hobi ku..don't try to judge me! I'm just doing what I like.. Ok..cuti sudah mw habis. Cepat ja habis 3 hari ni..haiz..bisuk keja lg..dah lah keja di HDW, (high dependency ward). It's not that I don't like very sick people..but the not-good part is I need to present cases during the Morning assembly. Nothing serious...just like in front of the whole department..eewww! Malasnya!