SHAKEN
HOHOHO....it's Christmas time!! So happy that I'm here for Christmas this year. It was a last minute decision i finally booked a ticket home because of my sleepless nights. It's kinda weird to spend Christmas in any other place in this world but home. Thank God...He brought me here.
I never thought that I once again felt for something used to have long ago..forgotten in time..faded memories as they never happen before. For nearly 4 years ago..it was just a small chapter in my life and most of it had swept away by time passing by my side. His smile, his laugh, his everything had made me....guilty..I was shaken...
He was the person I never knew Iwould be with..well even for a while..and that awhile became almost 3 years(if I'm not mistaken, it was long time ago!) I thought it would last forever, he would be mine forever, we would be together as long as I could breathe. I remember the first time I had his fingers between my fingers. I remember when he hugged me, I remember our first kiss and in fact, he's my very first kiss. (T_T)
Ok!! enough with that..now..yesterday..on Christmas day...I did something really really bad and u can call it "forbidden". I feel like I'm in love again with my ex-bf. what???!! it's not a problem...we can make up once again!! Or is it? Yes it is!! But why?
FYI, he's married!! now had a son!! huhu~~ I must be crazy that moment. I must be out of my mind. I was insane, disorientated and totally stupid..but I can't help myself!
we were history and it's impossible to happen again..even though for some moments I wish he's never married! oo..I wish he never far away from me and now it's not only far away but he's totally unreachable.
I thought I would never speak to him again or even a handshake, it would never happen! Maybe God was testing me..maybe it was a fate for me to really forgive and forget everything that happen before(it was really bad!) I didn't noticed he was among the guys whose standing at that corner and like usual it's not a bad thing to greet everyone and wish a Merry Christmas. But I was intentionally avoiding him all this time even yesterday I still did. But things aren't always predictable. As usual, life is full of surprises. The moment I stood in front of him the old memories suddenly feel like just yesterday and all the bad things like never happened before. How I suddenly realized that miss him, his eyes, his face, his smile, his everything making me even more restless. He lost some weight since last year which is good because after he was married he's unstoppably putting some more weight on his belly and yeah...it's not so handsome. He was a tall handsome a bit dark skin and has a smile that could melt me each time I looked at him. I guess he's been busy taking care his family..and if so..I'm impress! haha...or his wife 'took' everything from him turning him into his old version (that now had stole my attention, well it's not my fault!). hehe~~ his wife..hmmm~~I promise myself I'll never turn myself into a Biggest Loser contestant... hahahha!!LOL..I'm not bad-mouthing her..he's so lucky what to have big-big thing. Ok..I'm sorry! I'm not offending anyone. LOL~
Huh~for some moment I wish he's never married!!! I wish he's single and available now so I can run to him like before. I loved him right..I used to..and this unpredicted meeting made me feel so eager to get him once again...haha..NO!! I'm not eager to have him again!! Maybe this is normal..is it?? When we see the people we used to love it's normal that sometime we got some kind of feeling. I was there on his wedding day and I didn't feel like this at that time. I totally accepted what happen between us, I forgave him for cheating on me and I wished him every happiness from that very moment. Even though it's not easy for me when people talking about us, all eyes looking at me and questions lingered around me 'why she came here, i will never do that if I'm her?' or 'she's hurting herself" or 'well girl, who are you to be with that guy?? some one is even better than u'.....I didn't care about that all. Well..may be at that time because I was also seeing someone else...(hahahhahaaa~~~). He looked so handsome on his wedding day..I wish I was his bride...he waits for me walking on the isle toward him and we stand looking at each other eyes, vow to love each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health, in joys and in sorrows, until death do we part...huhu~~ but it's just a dream..I woke up, I saw him holding someone else hands, vowed to someone else..not me.
I don't even know his son..I don't recognize him..they say his son is so cute..it's not that i don't want to know him..I really want to..but each time I always forget to 'investigate' which one is his son..(got too many kids in that church bah running here and there..) well..it's his son anyway..of course he's cute like his father. hahahaha..I just remember..I told a friend of mine about this before and we laugh so loud like my stomach was going to explode. She said..his son supposed to be mine, supposed to be ours!! hahahahaha....so funny..yeah..I thought so too sometime..he could be my son if we were meant to be..but not.
I wrote this not because I want him back..just shouting out what is inside me now and also..I haven't post much for a long time. I'm not offending anyone, him, his wife or his son or his family or who ever lahh!! This is just a piece of my feeling..I just want to write it out so I can read it sometime and maybe learn something from this...who knows.. he's just someone i used to love..not someone that i want now..and I wish him every happiness in his life..may he become the best husband, the best father and the best son to his parents. This is just a small chapter in my life. I'm heading forward...
p/s: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! GOD BLESS YOU ALL~~
LOVE,
~rose~
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to think about...
things happen for reason...
not all good start will end up nicely...
and not all bad start will end up bad as well...
people care about the beginning and the end..
but try to enjoy the middle..the journey...it may be significant as well...
1 comments:
wah Rose. I'm so pissed becasue I didn't read this earlier. If not, we can talk on the phone for a few hours. hahaha. I respect you for being so honest like this, which I've never imagine I will ever do. Well, you deserve someone better Rose, and he will be the best for you. That guy, like u said was your past. That guy is the best for his family in this present. You will be with someone which is for you and only you. I pray for that. JBU~
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