roses.are.red: 2014

Is this the end?

Finally he said it...to stop hoping for him.. I get it. It's okay...it's still another level of sadness but I am relieved. God bless you my dear ajushii.. Goodbye.

Building up the strength to move on from the one who no longer care. I had done thousands of damages to you. Yet, now all I want to do now is to mend the wrecks I made but instead I'm loosing you further. I wish I could talk to you like a friend. I know you want us to stay as friend. But part of me is so egoistic and wanted more than what it should be. As a result I pushed you too far and I can't reach you easily. I don't mind being in the friend zone as long as I can know that you are always in a good shape.

I know you are tired of this. So wordy..so emotional..so crappy. But to you the only person that I can show the bad parts of me that I can't do to anybody else. I got no secret to hide from you. I truly regret all the things that I did.
All my life I wish I could see you again. May God allows...

In the meantime.. I'm building this strength to carry on without you in my life. I really hope to see you again dear... I am praying hard to see you again..even if it is on ur wedding day..I won't mind.

#missingyousm

the shortest memories yet the hardest to let go...

i know..i know..i promised not to write about him anymore. But this is another entry about him..him..him..him... him..echoing in my mind. Honestly..yes I miss him like crazy..i miss him like a double crazy people.. never a day without a thought of him.. adoi..this is it. I feel sorry for myself..why am I still living with the past while he's obviously over me..and in fact i know he never think of me more than a physical thing. But WHY???!!! Aaaarrrggghhh!! Geram sama diri sendiri. I hate it when I started to like a person and felt so attached to them..then suddenly everything just vanished at once. I feel myself like trying to grab every last piece of thing about him but end up loosing some more. The thing is...I don't know what i want exactly.

The best thing to do is separation..zero contact for as long as possible. Each time..all i wanted is time and distance without a sudden message popped out in the phone say "good day to u..GBU" or GBU. I knew each time he's honestly mean every wishes he sent. But it's not like it's bad but... i prefer if there's no short message from him for as long as possible. I admit, there are time when i wish i could at least talk to him or ask how he's doing..but..still my best choice is not to contact him. No matter how hard it is for me to avoid myself from contacting him... like mau nangis kuat2..ommmaaaaa.. but still..as far as i can go..dun contact him! Bcos...once i contacted him..or i read d short msg he sent...everything that i had been working on..my hard work and effort to forget him reset to zero. Then..i have to go through the process all over again...the tiring process all over again..

haiya...all these time..what i was trying to do is to create a space..as large as it can get..between us. The larger it is..the more impossible for us to be friend..the better. Show him the very bad part of me..all my nasty words..rude words...just to chase him away. Haiz...can't he get it yet..? I had done and said most things that i don't even mean.. I dun recognize myself anymore..i'm becoming the person i created.. but still..can't he just go..?? He's technically gone..i can't even see him anymore..forever. Why can't he just stop..stop sending msges which reset my effort all over to zero again..u know it's my weakest point.. i am tired..SM...dun u know? I want u away!! I am doing this for u.. u don't need a friend like me..u threw me away long time ago. Stop for once.. U are happy with her...i know that.. u dun have to be friend with me.. It hurts me to know that u belong to someone else. I am thankful that u r happy but i dun want to hear about u being happy with someone else constantly..it hurts.. so give me time.. as long as years or forever.. i know this is selfish..like he always said..i only care about how i feel and not his' or other people.. ya true..dat's the bad things about me that i want u to see...please notice this bad thing..keep in mind and leave...leave like u always do...

I am tired of this.. I never asked to know u..i never ask this thing to happen in the first place..but yet I am the hardest to heal from this..the hardest to let go of all the remnants.. God..help me..help me to forget about him..to let go the memories of him..

haiz...if only...this thing never happen..if i never knew who dis SM guy is.. Things may be different..and i never changed into a bad person like now... i never do bad comments publicly.. or say words i dun mean.. If only i could go back to the point of time before i know him...

this page has become a place for me pour out anything...lol..ok..cukup lah... fokus keja.. lega sudah sikit..

new home...

anyeonghasaeyo...

sudah lama nda tulis blog lg. Well..been a bit busy shifting place. Hehehe..now I am in a new house somewhere in KK..closer to where I work compared to my previous place.
Ok..let's talk about renting place. Hmm..I got dis question a lot.. "Why renting? Why u don't just buy a house?" Well..people..the house in KK is super expensive..i'm afraid if I can't afford. "But renting is membazir ja..". Yes..indeed..but hmm..tak tau lah..I always do unexpected things which I can't explain myself.

This is it.. Double storey house with 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a dry kitchen, a wet kitchen and a front and back small yards which are so bushy. Today is officially Day 4 in here. This place was initially empty. The only furniture the owner left is a queen sized bed frame.

Ok..found this house in mudah.my. First thing I noticed..rent..RM1200/month, unfurnished. Hmm..should it be considered cheap for this kind of house? I had no idea..but I think it's reasonable. Ok jg..kot. Later, arranged for house viewing with the owner..luckily it wasn't through an agent thingy. So money saved x1. Saw the house..boleh lah..panjang betul rumput dia. Then after negotiating with the uncle, Uncle Ooi, potong sikit ja pg 1150..aigoo. Ok..the arrangement is deposit + 1 month rent + 500 bucks for utility. Spent 2800 in total for a starter. Great~ T_T.

But the main reason I rent this house is because it's so close to my sister's clinical block. Which is just a 5 minutes walking distance. Ya..she's studying nursing now..which I am so proud of. ^_^.. Second reason, closer to my work place..about 10-15 minutes drive and even shorter without the traffic jam. Third..bah it's time lah. Cannot stay in Cilla's house forever. It's ngam2 a year and a month sudah since I started working.

This house is quite spacious for me. When I shifted all my stuffs in, I thought I had the most barang2 od. But bila masuk dalam..luas lagi. The result of pindah from a small place to a bigger place. Took me more than 1 week to pindah..just during my postnites. Huhu..yesterday was my only off day after a month with postnites only...T_T. From an empty house, the uncle provide additional 2 stuffs in..sofa set and a stand fan for the bedroom without ceiling fan. So I have to buy everything else. Bought some essential stuffs first.. a queen sized mattress 149 bucks, a gas cabinet 129, simple wardrobe 139 + delivery 30 bucks, curtains all costs me 204 bucks!, new tong gas from vel, filled 128, stove 39 bucks, hmm..toiletries and kitchen related stuffs around 200 oredi. wow..give rise to total of 1018 at least! Waaaahhhhhhhh~~ matai oo.. I am so pokai.

Bah..pelan2 lah yg lain tu. Next plan is to get some stuffs pelan2.. Luckily i encountered this Jackson furniture shop, selling stuffs quite cheap compare to other shops like Chan's n other. Mostly sell in harga kilang dia bilang. Will go buy stuff there later. Hmm..next thing..depends lah on availability of budget..need a fridge..a small or medium sized one..dining table for 4 cukup, a large cabinet to put in the living room to at least put my book n some decoration..a kitchen cabinet to put foods in and where i can place rice cooker, heater, pinggan mangkuk and all.. hmm...budget for these..1.5k maybe..pelan2..impossible to do at once. Need to watch out for the unexpected ones.

So we'll be staying here..me, my sister, and my causin Alung so far. Hopefully Pips will come along soon..it's because the bus transportation here is not so convenient. Have to jalan kaki jauh from the main road. Kalau ada kereta sendiri baru ok actually. My mom going to come often..she plans to plant some vege at the backyard.. huhuhu..so exciting. The only things that still pending now are the rumput yg panjang...blum jumpa org yg mw potong rumput. Jiran said slalu ada tu org naik basikal mw potong rumput..but so far x jmpa lg. Next..the gate and fence, some non functioning light bulbs which the uncle said will fix them. Just waiting for that lah. Otherwise..yang lain pelan2 lah buat...logot-logoton. Hmm..I have a vision and mission to have a vintage/floral house concept..hahaha..if possible.

ok..nah..some more views of my new home...yg empty punya..nnt i crita2 bla sudah ada stuff sikit.

the living room

the door to the dry kitchen, wet kitchen on the right

the master bedroom..mineeee

and the rest of the house...

the other rooms, upstair and the messy backyard...

k.. till then.. will turn this place into a nice comfy home.. do come to visit. But please bring some foods along..haha.. Ciao..

the next chapter...

work with bones!!

Peads was over although amazingly I miss Paeds sometimes. I miss working with kids..I miss the kids crying, their strong resistance when u try to take blood or put on the branula..and yet they are still cute and adorable..@_@..cute~~ ok..i just wrote 'cute' twice. But yeah..kids are little human that always tickle the heart. Currently..my 3rd posting is Orthopaedic. Which was unpredictable maybe. I thought I was going to ObyGyn posting after Paeds like many others of my friends but Ortho needed more houseman at dat time. So, I've been thrown away there.

Mixed feeling at first..happy thinking that Ortho could be relaxing. Sadly now in Yellow team..the team dat with most of the malignant persons in.. namely..dat specific MO..urgghh!! Unprofessional, mean, rude, sarcastic person..u name it. All my teammates are so stressed when he's around. Well..my first time having ward round wif him, he didn't like the way I wrote entry in the case note. So what he did was he teared off the whole page, pushed me aside and ask someone else to write. Wow! Then next patient..I presented the case, but actually my friend reviewed her that morning. Again..he screamed at my face bcos apparently my friend made a mistake in her review. Arrgghh...whatever! I think the longer u work..u met with different kind of people..things become less surprising to u. I've seen people like this..and of course..as a first poster, it will affect u a lot. But then..later it would be just..another rude and mean people u met. Just let it pass. Oh ya.. Yellow team btw focus on arthroplasty and oncology..we are dealing with robotizing human...(well..we change people's joints into robotic one) and with cancer. Yeah..interesting. Green team..ankle and foot, Red team..spine, and Blue team..advanced trauma.

Tagging weeks..14 days to be exact..with 2 days off from dat. Hmm..i found it was Okay..nothing much to do. Unlike Paeds ward which is still considered busy. But my tagging weeks were actually..quite relaxing.. Then after off tag dey sent me straight to Likas Hospital..for Paeds Ortho..yeah! kids again! Fun. First week was with these two MOs..which both super nice. Then..2nd week..arrgh..not so good.!

Today actually.. genaplah my 4 weeks in Ortho. I don't wanna go back to QEH2..i wanna stay in Likas Hospital forever~~ here so nice..specialist so nice.

ok..actually..after weeks then only i manage to look at my blog draft.. posting only now.. k..gonna write a new entry.

I want u, I want me, I want peace..

I don’t wanna fight no more
Only wanna get to shore
Baby, don’t slam the door tonight
We ran another off the tracks
That’s time we can’t get back
But, we can save tomorrow if we try

Oh, 'til we make this right
Oh, I won’t say, "Good night."

I just wanna make you laugh
I just wanna see that smile
Babe, we’re only here, oh, for a little while
I just wanna hold you till we fall asleep
I want love, I want us, I want you, I want me, I want peace

Everybody needs a place
Somewhere that’s warm and safe
A shelter from this crazy world we’re in,
But tonight I let the rain inside
And took away your place to hide
I’m sorry that I made you cry again

Oh, we can make this right,
Oh, kiss me good night

Yeah, I want peace

Oh, we don't have to fight
Oh, just kiss me all night

*Peace by O.A.R

Random quotes

The biggest mistake you can make is holding onto someone who has already let you go.

not exactly want to write this....

hmm...i'm getting bored of myself really. I wish I could be like dat person who able to throw away and forget everything that once matter in just a snap of his finger. Pooof~ just like that..gone. But it's harder that i thought. Screw it! Damn.. All that plays in my mind now was that moment when he pretended he got nose bleed after i not purposely (i swear..it's was a reflex..) punched his nose..and later he made that beautiful face of his fooling me around. I swear to God..that face...looked so HAPPY..i wonder if he felt that happy too.. I was so thankful that moment for me to have the chance to see that BEAUTIFUL happy face of his... I want to see them again my good Lord...i want to...

Aarrghhhh! Stop stat! Foolish brain of mine. It's just memories. Sooner or later i will forget them..and forgetting them is the best thing to do. Let time fade them away..

The best thing to do also....Let God handle.. I can only pray the best for him...

ok..in the end i came back to my rational, conscious mind...hm..not going to delete the above foolishness..haha. Bear in mind people...this is the truth..ready..i'm going to throw this out loud..

The best decision I ever made so far is to leave him..I'm so glad that I did. Even though it left a big ugly scar in my life but I'm glad with my decision! I may have been a fool along the way..like those what i just wrote above or when there's time that i thought I wanted him back...But yet between these foolishness..on top of that I'm glad that I made the right choice by leaving him. Congratulation to myself!! *clap clap* No regret, no doubt..

Kekuatan dariMu

I need Your strength oh Lord. At time when i feel like i couldn't breathe..at time when I feel weak..at time when I feel alone..at time when i feel like everything has been taken away from me...at time to let go of the things I can't have...at time when I'm losing myself...at time like now. Oh Lord..let the words that came from me came from You. Let Holy Spirit be my guide.. I need Your strength Oh Lord..

Amen...

Leaving u...Paeds...bye~~

DELIVERANCE....
It's a big word! I'm not sure really if i'm ready to write about this. I mean..it's it's been a rough windy road for the past couple of months and all I really need was to reach to a point of "freedom". Funny to mention freedom..lol. But my English is not so good and my vocabulary is actually just so-so..couldn't find a better word to describe what i mean. Anyway what i really want to be free from is....the guilt...

DARK DAYS ARE GONE...

After reading all my posts for the past few months of my dark season...@_@..one word..dumbfounded! Like I'm reading someone else's blog and not mine. Hahaha...so funny, stupid, crazy, and so not me..(i guess..) lol. Well it's normal to layan frustration..but somehow, i think i had been over the top. I want to laugh at myself..hahahaha. However, after i passed my exam and finally I can leave Paediatric Department...yeah~~another burden lifted from my shoulder. Still having the thought that it shouldn't be happening in the first place..i shouldn't get extended for 3 months. But I keep telling myself, things happened! And now you had overcome it. Congratulation to myself. Of course i deserve this and even better. But one thing for sure..I won't come back to Paeds..like ever again. 7 months was sooo long man..T_T.

EXAM AND NERVOUSNESS...
My last most precious exam in Paeds, 3rd CEX was with 2 specialistas, one who's in charge of all the housemen in Paeds, who is known for her strictness in exam..and another specialist who's super nice. I was nervous like crazy the moment i got to know the killer specialist going to take me for the exam. Feel like she already prepare all the documents for me to be transfer out from Sabah. Huu~~. Some more they didn't gave me exact date for the exam earlier. Day before the exam i got a call from her.."we'll take u for exam tomorrow..ok"..i was like..my knees banging each other the whole day..LoL. Day of exam, i checked every cases in the ward at that time. My Lord..like everything was there..from common respi cases, asthma or pneumonia could be my exam case.. cardiac, got acute on chronic rheumatic heart disease, got other CHD case as well..a room full of neuro cases..i'm going epileptic..others..dengue and some more..blah blah blah.. Finally...i got Nephrotic Syndrome..actually Relapse of Nephrotic syndrome..5 years old boy..very cheerful and bright..but not so helpful. Hmm...biasalah kids..difficult to examine..however..i guess my performance was...acceptable..able to appreciate the signs he has. Exam went quite smoothly..except some questions I couldn't answer. But in the end they give me a go! yes!! Thank you Lord..i feel like jumping in joy. Finally..after spent 6 months in Paeds. Punya senang actually...i just vomited out my best knowledge! Hahaha...sia-sia ja nervous brabis before exam..pass jg! But actually..it's good to feel the rush and nervousness. I think i'll be more worried if i didn't feel so..must be something wrong if i didn't.

HAPPY~~

Told my friends straight away...my UCA2 komsel group..my house mates..earlier during our komsel I asked them to pray for my exam. Thanked them for their prayers. Finally....i can feel some peace~~hahaha...so nice..that i can read magazines and novels..go jalan2 and enjoy without feeling guilty of not studying! Waahh~~only some people who can understand how i feel..the people who went through same thing..susah wei kalu kena extended..mo nangis..seeing all ur friends leaving u behind..facing the "stigma" from the department..like.."eh..Dr. Rosa..ko kena extend ka ni?? kenapa muka kw masih d sni?.." At first i felt so stressed out hearing that..some just laugh..but most of the people..nurses and colleagues gave support and encouragement to keep strong..thanks to them. Sooner, when people ask me so..i just ignored and convinced myself...it's God given advantage to me to learn more.

TO BALI WE GO...
As a reward to myself...not really a reward actually. I'm going to Bali in November! Yay~~ it's Nov 15th until 18th with Vella and Jacqueline. Bought the ticket a day before the exam...hahaha..so not really a planned reward for me passing the exam. But it's just a sudden decision made after Vell told me she just bought the ticket..so apa lg...i just tag along. Cilla is not going with us..so far there'll be just us 3. I got this new friend, Collete..so call my trip to Bali advisor..lol..everyday like talking about Bali and the places i should go there..hahaha..she really make me wanna go Bali asap. Huhuhuhu...long time ago i was hoping to go with ajushii...aarrgghhh~~feel so sad..nak nangis..sob sob.. Ok! Cut it off!! The pass is the pass! Forget it stat!

NEXT POSTING....

probably going to O+G dept. Another part of hell.. I hope i can stay strong and go through it alive. It's d toughest most heart-breaking some ridiculousness and stupidity posting..but..yeah..Lord..help me go through that later..amen.

OK...that's is for this time diary writing session..let's pray for a better world...no war please!

#nowplaying Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas

love,
~rose~

Exam CEX tomorrow

I'm having an pre-exam emotional breakdown... OMG..i'm just so scared.. And nausea n headache and palpitation too.. God..please help me pass thru this.. I've sin a lot but i'm asking for Ur favour..bcos i can't do this alone...

Getting married...? getting confused.. @_@

Saw my old friend wedding photos in fb few days ago. She got married to her childhood friend aka boyfriend..they r like the longest sturdiest couple..most faithful to each other. I'm so jealous..i wanna marry my childhood boyfriend oso...huhu...well.. I had the 'chance' actually..but thing were not mean to be..so melepas. Hahaha...but why everyone is getting married?! I'm still busy making money here..

Still like living in the past...

Hmm..arranged marriage. I don't think it only happen among Asian. Is it? Omputeh pun ada arranged marriage ka? Maybe before..long time ago. But the "civilized" earlier than us. Here the tradition of parents or elderly arranging marriage for their sons and daughters is still pretty much happening. Apa lagi kalau dalam kaum Rungus/Momogun. Nda lari la tu benda2 mcm ni. Bagus ka tidak entahlah. My mom and inai crita byk jg yg bahagia..tp ada jg yg tidak. Hmm..if I happen to be like one..hmm..err..@_@.. which already about to happen..like several times. Hahaha..kalau lah dorang mama sy nda pikir mau kasi skolah sy..bercucu cicit sudah dorg sekarang. Cheh~~..ko pikir..buruk2 pn sy ni ada jg org dtg melamar..merisik..meminang segala..and it was since i was 17!! Lol..tp sebenarnya...mama bilang nda buleh ckp2 tambirang benda mcm ni..nnt last2 forever alone..hahaha.. Tp bah..mau share2 cerita ja bah..since byk org main kawin2..kwn2 sy smua lg tu. Sy mw crita jg benda2 yg sama waktu dengannya. Anyway, usahlah mmbuka pekung di dada..biarlah rahsia..LOL.

hidup lebih bahagia ka?

macam tu juga..teda perubahan sangat sejak dilanda ribut taufan. Bah at least ada jg pengubat kesedihan kunun. Mau jg main sedih2..buang masa o sy d last 2 months..macam buduh2. Ni mau habis sudah posting Paeds..kena exam either dis week or next week..huhu..berusaha la Rose!!!! Jangan kena kicked out..buktikan yg kw boleh jd dokutul yg baik! yezz!! semangat tu penting! Jangan sebab manusia2 yang teda manner kacau hidup ko trus ko jatuh! Kena kuatkan semangat!! Jiayou!

rasa berbelah bagi...

ada ni bah si kawan...kenal sudah dekat 7 tahun. Sy crush sama dia 2013 April kalu nda silap. Pastu lama x contact..tiba2 contact2 n last week terjumpa pula si kawan ni. @_@..panas muka sy..mgkn jadi merah trus..jantung sy mcm mw terkeluar sudah... LoL..baru 1 minit bcakap trus rasa mw lari..n memang sy lari trus kasi tinggal dia terpinga2 disitu. Hahaha...n later jd mcm pelik pula..caring... dat's scary..

huh~ Tuhan...pa patut sy buat? X mau buat silap lg ni kali. Sy harap pa yg akan berlaku lepas ni biarlah tu smua seperti apa yg Tuhan kehendaki..dan bukan kehendak sy sendiri.

Btw, menurut perkiraan sy..i think he's quite a nice guy...dan yg paling penting sy rasa dia membawa sy lebih dekat sama Tuhan...slalu mengingatkan utk bersyukur dan ingat sama Almighty..which make me so...terpanggil utk kembali ke "cinta yg semula"..macam topic preacher d church tu hari..syukur..
Tp... biasalah..smua org pun ada kelemahan..biasa la bah org chingchong..kedekss sikit bilang c edy..lol. Sy x kenal lg betul lah..cuma mcm nampak gayanya mcm tu lah.. Hmm..actually..sy agak allergic sama org kedekut ni. Sy rasa teda apa yg kekal di dunia ini..mgkin ko bleh kumpul harta sebanyak mana pn..tp in d end x bleh bawa mati jg. So selagi kita ada sesuatu, apa lg kalu berkebihan..kenapa mesti jadi "conservative"..?

tp sebernarnya bukan tu yg buat sy rasa berbelah bagi...tp..hmm...ada lah tu. Yg penting bilang org...

no.1: kalu mw start relationship sma org..biar mula dgn ikhlas, dan jujur..jgn hanya sebab kecewa sama org lain trus nda sabar mw start relationship baru. Nah...penah jg sy terbuat ni dlu2. Jadi kalu suda tua2 begini buatlah mcm org dewasa.

no.2: carilah org yg bawa kmu lebih dekat dengan Tuhan...syukur Tuhan ada kawan macam ni. So..jangan lepaskan peluang..hahaha. Hmm..satu hal yang paling sy kesali was...ajushi-ajumma dulu nda pernah lah saling membawa dekat sama Tuhan. Pernah ja sy terfikir tp x pernah buat..malah lagi jauh dr Tuhan ada lah. Haiz..doa makan sma2 pun x pernah..sedih betul..

no.3: tiada hasad dengki sama sesiapa pun... Pa lg sama past relationship. ni lah masalah sy sekarang..macam sy berdendam ja sma c ajushi..selagi sy masih d kedudukan skrg, d paeds ni..macam dendam x habis2. Adoi..sendiri cari penyakit bah sy ni.. maafkan sy ajushi..mmg sengaja tu kasi sakit hati.. Tp mcm tu la saja cara sy utk rasa lebih tenang. thinking dat the more he hates me the better it is. kalu boleh sy mw jadi kwn yg bleh cakap mcm biasa..tp trus muka gf dia muncul di kepala sy..trus sy rasa bersalah betul sma dia.. adui..buduh punya otak...

oklah... serahkan pada Tuhan.. biar rencana Tuhan yang terjadi. Sy mahu berdoa supaya tiada lg hasad dendam sama tu org. Sama kasi lupa lah dia..sy tw juga kw sayang betul sama dia Rose..tp kasi lupa lah. Kalu dia bleh kasi lupa ko, knpa ko x bleh..?? bukan ni ka yg ko mahu tjadi..? YA! ni yg sy mahu dlu.

*random thoughts lagi..

k..till then... pray the best for my future..under God's guidance..

cukuplah diari untuk kali ini....merapuh ja keja..

Dear Lord...

Dear Lord...
I miss him so much...what should i do? I don't know what to do. Hidup sy x tenteram ni macam. Pa sy mw buat ni... Oh Lord..give me strength. Beri sy kekuatan Bapa, utk melalui masa2 yg sulit ini. Banyak problems yg perlu diselesaikan..byk pergumulan yg perlukn jawapan.

Burdens..

Back to work..

I wasted the first 4 days in kg feeling like crap layan my sadness and all. So stupid! Why i couldn't get over him..the one who broke my heart so badly, insincere, who took me for granted, who didn't appreciate me...who treated me unfairly..i wasted my tears for him..my precious time..and everything for him..but in the end..he left..he couldn't stand for me. Haizzz..i am just so stupid. Still all gone stupid and crazy about him. I wish there's a switch to turn off myself and turn on as a whole new person that completely over him.

It took me days to tell my mom what's happening with me. I was basicly cried senyap2 when i told her i'm in my hardest time..with all the problems i've been having. I was so angry with myself for taking time too long to get over somebody. This is the hardest breakup i ever have..part of me had lost..died.

My Mom is the best...
Then mom said.. It's ok...xpa lah...yg penting kw ikhlas sma org..walaupn macam tu org balas kita. Sempat lg tanya..ada hantar juga tu ikan masin tu hari? Hahaha..of course i sent juga..entah2 sudah dia buang kali tu sbb tlampau benci sudah sma sy..i hope not..sy bg ikhlas tu..sama parai vagu lagi. I respect lah sma my mom..after all i told her about him being a 2 timer...that he couldn't stand for me..mom said to forgive him. Waahh...i still can't honestly forgive him. But she dengan tenangnya suruh bg maaf seikhlasnya. Salute!

Burden released..
But it's was a good thing i finally spoken up to my mom about him since last time i updated her. She convinced me that God has His greater plans. So I have to be patient..don't worry..happiness will come. Finally..i could feel some peace..at least i feel like satu bebanan terlepas..tenang sikit..dun feel right keeping things from my mom. I told someone also about my concern..the other guy. I asked him...how far he can accept someone who's had done mistakes before. He answered...as long as that person return to God, admit his/her wrongdoings and never do it again. If God can accept him/her..why he cannot. The moment he replied me so..i feel like a burden had been released also. Now..i feel there's more burdens i still carry.. To forgive..myself and him.. Oh Lord..give me strength..

The other guy...
Ok..honestly..he had given me a big relief since the last tsunami hit my life. He had been nice i guess. And each words came from him somehow just make me at ease. Syukur Tuhan..ada kwn macam ni. Happy jg skit tgh2 sedih ni. Lol...ok..lets take it easy.. Dun want to talk about him too much..nnt kena jinx!! Fingers crossed.. Tuhan lindungi dia..

Ok.. Till then..i malas da tulis hari2. Only bcos i was so free at home previously...

K..till then..

whisper of the heart..

Day 3 in Kampung...

Ok..today's activity..dis morning went to Kudat Town to see my school friends. But only few of us were there. The rest were just to busy to come..especially those who have family of their own. Hmm..me..single and lonely. Hahaha... But, ya..dun feel happy now. Benci!! why i dun feel happy still!

This afternoon..me n my sister going to watch our favourite movies from Studio Ghibli, Whisper of the Heart. I like this so much. Watched it hundreds time..hehe. This movie is a 1995 Japanese drama film, story about young teenagers love. It's so cute. There's a song Country Road in the movie, (originally by John Denver) translated into Japanese which I like the most. The scene that i love the most is the last scene in the movie where the two youngster went to see the sunrise. So pretty.. i want to see the sunset as well..with the person i love..khekhekhe..

Bah..i recommend this movie to you guys..cute, innocent and nice. Honestly, i'm 25 years old but i still like watching this. In fact, I have a collection of Studio Ghibli's movie which I like so much! ^_^

Whisper of the Heart Trailer

Take me home, Country Road

the sunrise scene...i want...i want too...

the new floor mat

Just change the floor mat today...and this is the result...featuring Gwendal~

taa daaa~~

the culprit! handshake to make peace...

he's making innocent face...

cantik ooo~~

Hahaha..penat2 pasang..last2 kena sabotage sama e Gwendal..ish3..

Closure..?

Day 2 in kampung....

In short..i just think a lot!! Like a lot! I hate myself because I tend to make things complicated. My plan is to calm myself..to have time with family. But instead i still unable to find the peace i really need. Still feel like there's a burden i haven't let go. What is it?! Huurrhhhggghhh.. I guess I'm still dreaming..last day I sent stupid message to Ajushii..told him what i feel. See! This is why I couldn't get a closure. Of course that I miss him like crazy. Only God know how i feel. Aching here...But what i need is self control. The situation is still not suitable yet to do anything.

Hmm...mom asked me about him of course. Haiz.. Stresss!! Dono wat to say..i'm wrong oso..

May be it's right..u don't know how precious someone is until u really lost dat someone. Kalau ikut hati..i want to start all over again with him..to start right this time. But not now..now no good..so many things to settle first. And him oso..i think by now he really had given up on me..he didn't even reply my msg anymore.. T_T After what i had done to him..all the tension and blame..he's totally gone. But it's not wrong hoping for something like dis is it?.. Oh God..give me strength..

So meanwhile..i have to be patient..keep faith in God to accept whatever God's plan is..whether there's a chance to start again or not..i need to be patient and to accept whatever it may be...

Ok..divert my attention for a moment. Hmm...the plan today..to change the floor mat in d living room..huhu..so many things to do..kena kasi alih smua barang2..n only us girls here. Si boliou outstastation d Pulau Banggi. Our house is so kesian od.. Haiz..smua plan x jalan lg mw buat new house. Sibuk jak smua org. Nnt pg rumah yamai om yinai..hmm..lumohing no banal e amai..nyanyuk sudah..amu no banal kovogui. Kena spend more time with them. Ptg nnt mw pg mirung la sna..kumpul2 smua. Although xlah smua family members ada blk ni kali..but d most important people to be with are yamai om yinai. Rindu sama dorg...huhu...

Hmm...another update..i straighten my hair yesterday..did hair treatment as well. Paid 118 bux for dat. Uurghh..ok..xpa..at least i dun have to blow my hair everyday od. Huhu..puas hati jg..i like my hair n d colour now. Although dis colour mcm entah..initially d colour was quite bright..then i dyed it black again myself but seem like it been washout so it turn brown. But i like it..hehe.. My hair is so rosak lorr..but look ok bit after the treatment.

Ok..will show some pictures later..now..wakey2.. Time for breakfast! Huhu..so used to wake up early..cuti pn i tbangun awal. And..ya..b4 i forgot..need to reply messages smlm..slept so early last nite.. D other guy's msg pn x tbalas..keja dia smlm.. Huhu..sepa ni d other guy?? Nnt crita2..but he's not new lah..just to distract my attention. Hahaha...not giving any hope..just friend..fullstop! He happen to know my secrets..so dats why need to keep him or else i have to kill him..khekhekhe..

Till then..have a nice day!

a LOSER like me...

Recently watched Glee S5 where dey re-sing their old songs. And one of my favourite is this..an acoustic version of Loser Like Me.. So nice..mcm trasa mw nangis..huhu..i'm a loser too. Have been so tough in dis posting..my name is a highlight everywhere. Too many mistakes i made with the lab especially. Haiz..stresss...nowadays they trust MLT more than h.o..everything blame it on d h.o..but of cos i admit..i send blood sample x cantik..pastu lupa lg tulis summary in d form. But idk..smpai 1 m.o called me last Sunday. I was about to go to church when d m.o called..asked me to go back to hospital. So i went back lah..to take blood again. But i feel so happy that all the nurses in ward helped me out..i didn't even touch d pt sudah..kesian dia. And then d pt's name is so familiar..as familiar as ur ex punya gf pnya nama..similar woi..scary.. I was like..kena curse ka sy ni? LoL.. Dah lah sudah upsidedowninsideout suda hidup sy..jmpa pt sma nama pn bg sy big problem jg. Haizz..nda lah mw main sembarang anggap but..really feel like..sad..jinxed..nda cukup2 lg ka sy kena stress pasal dorg ni. Haizz..sudah2..teda kaitan tu..

Anyway...really like dis song...i mean dis version..nice 1...

Yeah you may think that I'm a zero
But hey, everyone you wanna be
Probably started off like me

You may say that I'm a freak show
But hey, give it just a little time
I bet you're gonna change your mind

All of the dirt you've been throwing my way
It ain't so hard to take
That's right
'Cos I know one day you'll be screaming my name

And I'll just look away
That's right

Just go ahead and hate on me and run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
A loser like me

Push me up against the locker
And hey, all I do is shake it off
I'll get you back when I'm your boss

I'm not thinking 'bout you haters
'Cos hey, I could be a superstar
I'll see you when you wash my car

All of the dirt you've been throwing my way
It ain't so hard to take
That's right (that's right)

'Cos I know one day you'll be screaming my name
And I'll just look away
That's right (that's right)

Just go ahead and hate on me or run your mouth
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me

How to stay positive?

Since i finished my AM review so early today..and my head is full of ideas..well..actually few ideas only. I was thinking how to stay in positive mode no matter what kind of situation u are in. Maybe not working but i'll experiment this and we'll see the result later.

One...instead of complaining of every hardship u r in..smile and say yes..another easy job to be done...going to finish this with a snap of my fingers.

Two...set ur mind to be cool all the time. Somebody give u hard time, be cool. Sure enough that person is not as cool as u. Hahaha..

Three...urrmmm..lost of idea od. Ok.. Remain calm n steady when problems come. Although this never work with me. I always like..scream at d top of my lung each time.

Four...ok..this is my favourite. Maybe sounds crazy but i like this. Make a little "drama"....well not dat complicated kind of drama. Just make a simple imagination of how the ending u expect to be...make fun of it..make it fun.. I imagine myself on d top of the world in the end of d drama..hohohoho. Of coz not always work out but at least it's fun.

Five...thought blocked od.. Ok..the end.

Hm..no matter how hard ur problem is it's best when u stay positive, optimistic, strong and keep holding on and believe in urself.
Get helps..be open, be extrovert if u think u can't stand alone. There's always an opened door in every room..or at least window..or ceiling opening..(is there such thing..?)..or ventilation system which lead outside to get out from ur problem. Every problem got its solution..or else it's not a problem. It's a unchangeable fact instead. And remember..when all 4 walls around u are trapping u in..the roof will always be opened to u. Bcos God from above will always come to help..

about you..

Being extended in Paeds..that's the big so called issue that i have now. Still can't 100% accept the fact that I'm still in Paeds by now. But..well..actually it's a good thing for me..i still got a lot to learn in here..so much..maybe it has to be this way. So that i can learn more.. But still..trjumpa my friends all now wearing white coats..*in Paeds we are not wearing white coat*...they all in O+G now..so jealous of them...but..gotta keep my head on.. I'm going to survive this Paeds..will go through my 3rd CEX with 3 examiners..and don't get kicked out from Sabah. Aarrrrrggghhhh!!! somehow all this problem shouldn't happen in the first place if only i didn't lose my focus on the bigger things in life. I got carried away by unimportant things which had affected my life so badly..and now only i can think straight that the only source of problem is that insincere so called "relationship"..a chapter in my story that i wish i could re-edit, re-write, re-construct... And me be the persona in my story..living my life happily and more conscious of the cruel heartless world...

well..it's a good experience anyway in life.. I got to see different person..a jerk..a bastard..a loser..a nice one..a caring one..and whatsoever! Everyday i meet different kind of people. He's one of a kind. Indescribable.

Guardian Angel: Haiya!! how many posts oredi U keep writing about a person?! Get a life Rose!!
Me:...urm...in a bit later..can aa? this is d last one i promise..
Guardian Angel: U better keep ur promise!
Me: **wth?..i'm writing a stupid dialogue..who the heck is guardian angel??? Lantaklah!

Ok..since i promise my "Guardian Angel" to write about him for the last time..so this is it. I'm gonna write short..i'll try..hahaha.. Let's make a nice summarized story to wrap up this chapter of my life.

Once upon a time...the was thing called Facebook where all people of different level of intelligence and stupidity, all socializing in one social media which now scientist and researchers found it as addictive as drug! I was in that social media..shockingly! Hahahaha.. Ok..hmm..knew him from my hommie..Cilla. Who's the one responsible for approving his friend request. I swear it wasn't me who clicked the 'approve' button. Then at first i was just layan jer lah. I was quite free i guess.. n flirty too.. LoL..

We actively messaging and chatting. Of course I had him background check but maybe a limited one lah.. only vell and cilla whom giving quite good comments. Ya..i fell for it! And honestly, i found him interesting at first. He was so random, quite funny..telling random stories which were so.........random as well. He wanted to be a doctor..initially..which later i knew after knowing how doctor's life is like he completely changed his mind. So funny..but good thing for him not being a doctor.. doctor sucks! At least..maybe at least..i don't know.. his current job is better..although he keep saying that he feel he's not meant for his current job. He likes all those research thingy..and ya..he keep bragging of his successful malaria paper which been published internationally. Deserve an applause! Good for him. But I do hope that he will someday use his true potential in things or job that he really like. Pray for him.

Ok..messaging and chatting part went to the next level. The bizarre, extremely extreme first meeting. I better not tell the detail because it was bizarre. But one thing i remember.. it was of course awkward for the first few moments than amazingly later i didn't feel awkward at all. I was very anxious actually before meeting him of course..so many thing came up in my mind..what he'll be thinking of me after seeing me in person. Lol..i'm not a pretty girl at all. I got no charm, not a thing is interesting about me. So in short, a conclusion of the first meeting..we already start with a wrong step. Something that was more human than well...we are Believers..and it was far from that.

The subsequent meetings and time we spent together were...yes..fun..human like. Human that like to have fun and dislike to think of wrong and right. How we really feel about each other? Hmm..i guess we dun really have a true feeling towards each other..it was more like....I don't know how to describe it.. maybe for fun only. We've known each other for short time only. Too early to have feeling to each other. Well of course I did tell him few time that I "love" him. But i asked myself back..was it really to that point? No..not yet! even now..today 17/5/2014 @ 1.12pm..still not to the point of Love. Still too early..too raw..too sudden if i jump to that conclusion. But the feeling of liking is there..i did care about him..still do now even tough we are completely done now. I think this is what happen when u close to someone. You cannot run from feeling something for that person. He's nice juga bah..i'm not denying that. Not completely bad.

Every human made mistakes. So did him..so did I. I should have realize that we were completely doing and going on this relationship for fun only. While i'm slowly growing a deeper feeling towards him, I found out that he actually has another relationship which is far more precious to him than what we had. I guess I had this gift to suspect things that aren't right..I hate that i suspected something wrong. Later, I found a name. Not from his other facebook page..i didn't stalk him i swear. But as the saying said, curiousity kills the cat. Well..i was killed by my curiousity..haha..now i'm a zombie..khe khe khe..ok back to the story. xxxxxxx is that girl's name..first time i saw the name popped up in his phone..repetitively..n one time he tried to hide it cepat2..so dat's when i started to suspect something.. I swear..i'm not that kind of people who check other's phone..it happened by accident..i swear to God. Ya...relationship of more than 2 years. See! I'm a thirdy in here. Bad girl..! I should be punished! It breaks my heart badly. I couldn't live normal for sometimes. That's when i couldn't focus at all at my job. I failed all my exams in Paeds...which was super easy..i'm a smart girl but I got extended. I completely turn into a fool..macam org yg x penah masuk medical school..i became forgetful, i couldn't function well at my work.

So things become more twisted later. I remember he said that we were just the same. Both unfaithful..i msg with other guy too so did he with other girl. I feel like he's putting the blame on me instead like he never wrong. It stroked my brain, i got cardiac arrest straight away..that was so mean! Well..fair enough. Who am i to him anyway. I felt so devastated. Things were so unfair. All that i'd been giving him i did it honestly but instead he gave me a hard invisible slap on my face. I was lost..so in need for explanation which he reluctant to give even i asked for so many times. I basically, truly stood on a line..wanted to know but not want to know at the same time. More like just wanted to project all my angers. So hard to write this down but it happened od..so.. I know he really love that girl..just that they had a different religion. And according to him, the girl's family is so of conservative kind of thinking..sangat alim lah..x mau negotiate lah mau tukar agama2 ni. Hmm...doesn't look like a problem to me. He can just follow that girl anyway. He can't even eat seafood because of his allergy..hmm ngam sudah masuk tu agama..Pork part..hmm..like he can't eat it behind their back. Tu ja pun. Religion? Hmm..after they get married he still can do whatever he likes bah..unless the girl will kill him instead..or a queen control..or a serial killer..takut kana bunuh kali...hahaha.. kalu sblm ni pun pandai sudah curang2 blakang tu pmpuan..buat dosa skalian mustahil nda pandai buat walaupn suda kawin nanti..buduh oo...(for me i don't want to be with someone like dat for the rest of my life rationally). Lepas kawin sepa lg peduli..ramai pn begitu..dia pn masuk dlm tu group lah tu nnt.. Lol.. And just imaging my situation in this situation..the third party..like been keep as a spare..(the other guy call it like dat..then i realized..ya betul jg..)...he don't even like me..kept for fun only..

Hmm..mulut jahat sudah ni. Write inappropriate things. I do feel sad for him bah juga.. I know he's having hard time too..he's just a human..can't escape from mistakes..i know he sakit hati jg... He got problems too...his brother..he must be worried a lot about his brother...his job..which maybe he dun enjoy much.. and he said he don't have much friend or support there..sedih jg.. His conditions..his asthma..his thigh pain...i'm worried too..i hope it's nothing serious. With his gf tu..at risk of not been given blessing by the girl's family..kalu lah nda kena blessing..he must be very sad n devastated. Kesian dia..i hope the girl's family won't be so hard on him..supaya nda lah buduh sgt xmw terima org semata2 sbb agama..ok pn jg dia tu. *somehow i feel sorry for that girl if they end up together anyway..apa lagi if she know the things he had been doing behind her back..* I wanna be on his side to support him..but nda sanggup sy tahan sakit hati sendiri. Sakit bah hati. At least he still got his gf he can rely on and get support from.. Sy? sendiri sorg2 nda kana peduli..sedih..lol..sad but i still found it funny saying dat way. Never mind..i'm a positive person..at least trying to be one. I still my family..my friends..

Now that he's gone..i feel more...i guess normal again..less depressed..less heartache..more..normal. It wasn't really normal for me especially after i knew him. More humane rather than of what a Believer should be. Him also..we being apart maybe better..at least no more wrongdoings. It wasn't easy u know to lose him. I had to came up with the most dramatic actions and completely jahat plan. I purposely disturbed him while he's working..sparked the fight out of the blue after giving a happy-no fight-baik2 saja moments. Most of the time i said things i didn't mean..put all the blame on him.. Just to make him hate me and leave me forever. I deleted everything..his contact number and all..just to forget him..i wasn't so easy. I cried a lot. After what i had done to myself..i still can't forgive myself.. Layakkah lg sy d depan Tuhan? Bah..masanya utk kembali ke pangkal jalan..kembali sama Tuhan..

At this point of time..i hope i won't see him again. I got feelings too...and in dilemma too... I want him to be the only one i be with..but thing don't go dat way..it's not my control. I have to accept that fact. So, need to head on..xpa lah.. Cilla said, it can't be the only reason to keep being with some1. Ya lah..honesty, sincerity and love must come first. Not just..the one reason... Lagipun..kalu lah i mean something to him..surely he'll stand for me..but no..he didn't..he never did n never will..i know.. Now..i need to take care of myself.. Sepa lg mw jaga my own well being if it isn't me myself. I need to keep my heart secured, take time to heal. I hope for a better future for me..not to be kicked out from Sabah most importantly.

I hope the best for him too. So that he can come back to the right way as well. Back to God. Me too..to come back to God.
I wanna say sorry for all the harsh thing i'd said. If one day he able to read this..i'm so sorry honey.. I did it purposely.. i wanted you to hate me.. Forgive me..
Please take care of yourself. I still care..but i need to take care more of myself now..i need to be selfish now. For my own good..and u too i hope..
I pray that he'll always be in good shape..his health...his asthma..his thigh pain...Tuhan sembuhkan dia. I pray that one day he able to show his true potential..job wise. That he'll be able to do things that he love the most..whatever it is.
Hon..i sayang hon juga..will always do.. I never regret knowing you..
I cherish every moments we shared..the time we spent..the funny things..the places..the foods..bak kut teh..chicken feet..the fights..the nagging.. and all...i miss them so much...
SM

Soooooo long.. ok lah! tutup lah ni cerita.. No more story about him! I promise!
Just a chapter in my life. Of course I feel so sad letting him go..like a part of me is dying..but what can i do?
I'd learn a lot. and one day i'll be smiling thinking about this..i hope. I learnt the wrongs..and i want to do the rights.. starting from seeking His forgiveness. Come back to God.

WANT TO SCREAM!

Hmm..i wrote this title a while ago when situation was a bit different. I fell like wanna screammmmmm!!! Aaarrgghhh!! ok stop! Silent scream may be not helpful here..well i can't scream now..alone at home, nnt jiran pikir i dah kena sampuk..LOL. Anyway, the reasons to scream are..

One... I got extended in Paeds!! I feel like shit! This shouldn't happen if i didn't get distracted by my personal stupid issues. I failed repeatedly in all exams. Now my life is hanging by the thread..if i fail my 3rd CEX i'll be tranferred out of Sabah...which i feared so much..

Two... No holiday at all! Nowadays, Paeds dept dun give a damn day off for the whole month..maybe year..so stupid! Even machine get its rest sometimes..urm..maybe some some machine need to works around the clock but we are human!! Are u freaking insane. I got no life like this..urmm again..not really no life but..dis is still crazy man. I dun even have time to visit my family in kampung.

Three... At home in Kg. Things aren't good. My mom got injured after she tripped and fell earlier this week. I feel so sad. I can't even go and see them because i can't get out from here. My omma called and she's so need help..my papa don't even care.. i don't know what's happening in there anymore. I feel like I'm not helping at all. I only focus on my personal issue this recent and i missed the more important matter. I hope i can get cuti the end of May..just to go back home and be with them.

Four.. Ok..personal issue. which yes..had been turning my life up side down. It's none to blame to actually.This whole time I always looking for something, someone to blame it on. I blame it on Ajushii..well he deserve to be blamed of i guess..haha..so cruel. I blame it on my job..on me! But all of the problems are my problem anyway. It's me who couldn't handle the situation. Blaming it on other just don't make the problem vanished or solved. It gave me more burdens..but for now..let's things cool down..i need t focus on how to thrive here.

ok..i need to focus on my life more..restore to my previous state..and the point to restore at is before i know Ajushii. I'm not saying that the live before that point was the best..no! i still got a lot of problems that time. But if i had the chance to rewrite the story beyond that point i would. My life would be different now i guess. Ok.. got a lot to write but later lah..in different page..

ok..to myself...keep ur head real...ur mind in sane state.. Don't be grumpy!

Awkward...

Hmm...wrote alot recently.. I need to let it out somewhere lah..if not im going to explode. Hmm..here seems to be a good place..no one will be angry and be pissed off..i can write my thoughts here freely. At least here got some freeeeedom.. LOL.. Ok..i basically write down my feelings at d very moment..then forget it. Hmm..i thought dis was good..hmm bcos usually i feel so RELIEVED after spilling out everything but 1 thing i ignored..will that affect others? bah..ofkoz la bah..if u tiba2 marah2 urg..EMO2 sana. Ok..sorry. Btw..of cos i'm writing about HIM..so dear myself..when u read dis later..bear wif it..this problem had been affecting you a lot..so give urself a chance to kasih luah perasaan puas2. Ok..now even massaging wif him i feel so awkward. It didn't feel awkward at all when i first met him. Now i feel so AWKWARD..d conversation feel so awkward.. I feel like he's a COMPLETE STRANGER.. I don't know how to feel about this..calling him honey also will be so awkward..n maybe not applicable anymore... I can see where dis is going.. Maybe d awkwardness will continue..i dun really wana talk to him right now..bcos i'm afraid if i do mistakes again..in d end i'm d one at fault.. Though of cos i MISS him so much..haiz...knowing dat i still miss him is a sad fact. I dun think he miss me..no..he doesn't. So..where this is going to? Idk..my prediction...awkwardness continues..then slowly-slowly losing contact........... T_T............ Maybe.. I won't fight for it..bcos i had no importance here. I can't force someone to love me.. Though i like him so much..but...for me CARING or CARING someone means i want dat person to be happy..if he's not happy with me..then....it's sad..i dun want to write..ok..suck ur tears up..it's morning...going to work soon.. Hmm just letting dis out lah..since it will be awkward telling him this.. Ajushii..i miss u..have a great days everyday.. GOD BLESS U honey...

????..still bored...

Nothing...just bored..damn bored!!! Hmm...counting..how many pair of shoes sandals i have now..hmm..
At home in kg.. At least 8-10 pairs..in shoe boxes..some are decaying..unused..
At cilla's house..1,2,...9, 10!! Some in shoe boxes as well.. Huurrhhhggghhh.. Ok..i wanna sell some...my graduation heels..eh..it was wedges..bought it for 50 or 60 bux..wore once so far..ok..so waste of money..nnt i buat iklan lah..sell..i think i wont use it anymore..but they r so nice..red wedges..
Ok stop..so bored dat i even count my shoes nw.. MRI ongoing..

Hmm..wana go jalan2 pula..not shopping la..bcos obviously..pokai sudah now..jimat2.. Just wana go out..melancong..huhu...i really wana go Bali..alone pn xpa lah..sob sob..my life is so sad.. Ommaaaaaa~~ cry cry...dlm hati.. Ok..lets make d plan..when..n where.. Maybe early of August dis year...go Bali...hopefully..amen!

Random thoughts..n stupiidddd things..

Just bcos i'm bored. Currently escorting a patient for MRI..which is boring..my pt is fully sedated now..waiting for his turn. Oh gosh..i feel so bored.!!
Suddenly got call from Chief Cheo..asking why d pt going for biopsy today never been given explaination about the procedure.. Wif an annoying tone..hei!! I'm not even working yesterday..n i'm not even M.O..ask d ppl who work yesterday lah..why on earth dey never explain..now only when pt is about to be sedated baru mw sibuk2. N asking me pula..hei..i'm still down here escorting pt. Ask d MO la..
Huh!! Dis week i dun hv night call..but will be working Am shift from today till Saturday.. Must be no fun dis week..will be in room 2..wif MO yang i mungkin x suka..bla bla bla..ok..just bear wif it..i'll be here for d next 3 months in dis department.. Hurrgghh..thinking of dat..so depressing. Why lah dis happened to me..??!! Sad.. T_T..lets quit! But x boleh jg..nnt mw keja apa..hmm...in d end..just bear wif it..again..

Ok..looking forward for the weekend.. Off on Sunday...which i'm so happy about.. We'll be having Komsel picnic at Kionsom waterfall..hehehe..at least once in a while..be out there having great times wif friends..so excited! Hmm..food projects.. Going to make cheese cake wif Carne..our jiran n Uca2 komsel member a.k.a Bob's wife.. Sudah lama mw buat cheesecake..never had d chance..hopefully dis time can make 1.. Aarrgghh..again..ward called..asking about pt's ECG..i just started working today dis week! Pt just came in yesterday afternoon! Ask d one working yesterday..not me..ask them why dey didnt do before!! Ok..cukup iklan..smbung crita.. Hmm..cheesecake..shop for stuffs on Friday nite lah..saturday nite to make 1. Ok..set!

We Hmm...not sure about one thing..maybe i shouldn't do dis.. Aarrgghh..lantak lah..dun care od.........urm..i do care actually..bcos im still keeping a hope..on d other issue..hmm..just thinking about dat making me teary..i wanna cry..i miss ajushii..TT_TT...ok..stop..ask urself back..did all the things happen between u n him were real?? No! For him it wasn't..so stop! Suck it up!! Move on! But i miss him.. Aarrgghh.. I basically wrote down every single tots im having.. LoL.. Ok..back to d story i was going to tell just now.. Haiyaa...i so damn bad also lah..i dont know wat to do.. Damn! Ok.. The other guy..lets spill it out about the other guy..i need some distraction for a while...he's recently...quite actively sending msg n all..eerrrrr...suddenly so opened up..bla bla bla..ok..why lah..?? Den..ok admit it..i did ajak him for d picnic komsel dis weekend.. Nahh!!! Ok..no hidden issue..no hidden agenda..honestly.. I was just feeling like want to ajak..in d midst of dis chaotic situation..i do dis kind of thing!! At first i tot he would refuse...but...no..hmm..shocking..dlu i mgurat u jual mahal.. But he didn't promise lah..said, if he got no sudden work call he'll come.. I hope he.....dun come...or come... Hurr~ dun come.. I told earlier...call me stupid..after been treated dis way..i still want ajushii.. I know there's no hope..but at least give me d chance to day dream for a while.. At least a month or two or..as long until i got over it..a year myb..i cared about him..n still..n i miss him.....i hate myself so much!! I hate being 'unfaithful' like dis too..making me as low as those who cheat..who lies..
Ok..dat day..not fully accidental..i talked about ajushii wif The other guy...as he asked...n i answered..abviously..he's ok lah..gave some advises..n i was..ok..screen shots everything n share to vell n cilla..hahaha..ok..cilla was excited..said the other guy must join d picnic later..vell said..hahhaha..funny..muka mcm jambu tapi matang rohani...hmm..mcm pics sudah delete..klu x..mw upload trus sni.. Hehehe...ok..if i'm rational n normal...u know wat i'll do. But for now..i wana stay crazy n stupid..wen i said i care..i still care..let daydream continues.. N please la Rose...dun do things without thinking anymore..u knw its hurtful..be careful..u r responsible for ur own heart.. Dun get broken on purpose..

Ok..pt x masuk2 lg ni.. Punya lama suda tnggu.. From 8.30 till 10.30am suda skrg..tbangun lah blk pt sy ni.. susah jg mw kasi tidur td..x2 chloralhydrate bru tidur..skit lg mw bg midazolam.. Wasting my time..errmm..ok lah..i'm blogging now anyway..so jobless..

Bahh..kasi tutup dlu ni crita..nnt buka entry baru... N most importantly..looking forward for d weekend.. Yay..

I figured it out!

Yet to figure out...? Hmm..d answers slowly revealed. In short..i'm just stupid.! Thought it was different. No! Just a typical lie. No more different than the pasts. In the end I broke my own heart. Putting a hope on hopeless stuffs. I made a mistake..mistake than will ruin my life forever. No...I feel kesian for myself..why i have to go through all these lies? Huh~~nothing will change..so let it pass..move forward. Be responsible for my own mistakes...be responsible for my own heart since no one care about it. Hmm...for a moment i thought it was different...no..just a lie..

the best weekend ever!

the no.1 most important issue for me is that i hope the weekend we spent together was never a regret! bcos it's never a regret for me! it may not be perfect, not a good timing, we spent tons of money..well it seems like he spent more than me..tense and unpleasant goodbye.. but still i never regret it! of course there's guilty feeling that i have inside. Guilts--& for causing him spend so much money for this weekend, for making him so pissed off on me the end of the day, for me not being able to have self control..

1 months ++ in paeds

ok...been no blogging for sometimes...well not really blogging i would call it..more like writing diary. LOL..read my previous entries..lawak n embarrassing pun ada..feel so stupid pun ada. can't stop looking for grammatical errors...and like..'oh..dis is how i felt dat time..so stupid!'

ok..life been upside down inside out left right north south west east..like usual..no different. Happy? yes happy.. : )

not so glad to say i passed surgery posting..bcos i dun feel like i'm good enuf wen leave the posting. the last few days there i still feel like..my gosh..wat did i learn from there? ok lah..boleh lah.. No! i cannot aim for boleh lah..my job is a serious matter..i better be better than wat i am now...

started Paeds posting on 9th Jan..will end on 8th May..hopefully..on time..*fingers cross*

HUH!!! really super big humungus nasty filthy gross dislike this posting! my least fav posting wen i was in med school was paeds.. i found it hard...bcos d people who works in paeds are not so appealing.. Lol..appealing? dats d word? no lah...more like too strict..too organized..too many rules..too controlling...too conservative..no fun..no enjoy... i dun enjoy myself waking up early in the morning..going to hospital..start working.. really unmotivated..especially d first few weeks in d dept. unlike during surgery posting time.. but..actually this is nothing to compare wif probably my next posting.. ObsGyn..the toughest posting..the people are so malignant..deadly malignant! ok..i'll be a dead meat! so..telling myself..u will be thankful of wat u r going through now..bcos later it will be more deadly..

New 'Block System' in Paeds! 3 blocks..Melur 1, Melur 2 n NICU.. will be spending quality time in Melur 1 for d whole coming month..which is 'great!'..ok..enuf wif d cursing...lets just work like robot..or zombie... No off day for d whole March!! F***ing insane! huh!! xtw mw cakap apa lg..sudah lah...keja ja la..fikir ja d end of d month i'll be paid 5k for dis..ok..fine..just work..sakit hati..sakit otak ja to think abt it.. got to sacrifice time to spend wif my family, my ajushi, my friends, my free time... sad!! all gone.. depressed o macam ni..so depressed..! sakit otak..pening kepala.. cant say anything..told ya..paeds ppl r cruel people..

adoi...suddenly my mood gone down..mw tidur lah...panat otak..before i break down further..i shud go sleep now..better sleep

till next entry...huh!! suddenly popped in my head.. NRP exam, Theory exam, CEX exam, log book..all these r d source of depression. nak nangis~~ sob sob~~ tomorrow..work again...sad..

Depressed!!

This job if mine is so challenging..physically, mentally and emotionally. I warn anyone who wants to be a doctor!

1. Make sure that u got a lot of stamina n strength to work all day long wift unfixed rest time, breakfast, lunch and dinner at any time of the day, unfixed working hours..prolonged standing..lots of walking and hands working all the time. In short u work ur ass like hell all day long..all nite long!

2. U r mentally prepared that ur life wont be a all-the-time-happy-stress free life. Be prepared dat u have impending mental breakdown at all time. U wont know all things all d time. U will feel very stupid like shit most of d time for not knowing things. Ur job will stress..ur colleagues will stress u down..ur bosses will stress u more n even patients will stress u like hell sometimes. Be prepare to be stressed out all the time.

3. Emotionally..if u r not strong enuf to cope with these stressors..better give up a.s.a.p.. U will feel down..u will feel useless n feel u unable to function well n work well. Better measure ur level of tolerance to stress..for u to be emotionally stable wen u r working..so many things will challenge u emotionally...just be prepared...u will cry..u will get angry..sad..mad..irritated..pissed off..n bla bla bla...

I know i mentioned all the negatives.. But..maybe it's not dat all negative. There are good things too... The good things come when u divert ur focus to d most important part of ur job. That's ur patient.. U'll be depressed n mad bcos of ur job..but...in the end wen ur patient get better...they'll be so thankful to u..they'll hug u..thank you for saving their lives..for solving their problems..for helping them to get better.. And it's like *click*..the most wonderful feeling u'll ever have. The feeling dat will overcome all the negatives about ur job. U'll feel u had done a great job..u'll feel happy for ur patient..u'll feel great!!! The best feeling ever!!!

And then it all will start again...new patients..new problems..unhappy part..then ur happy part..unhappy again..happy again later... In short it's just a viscous cycle...so be prepared to feel all the goods and bads.. It will be fun! Either fun or "fun"...it's all up to you decide...it's ur call how to 'treat' ur job..

roses.are.red