Being extended in Paeds..that's the big so called issue that i have now. Still can't 100% accept the fact that I'm still in Paeds by now. But..well..actually it's a good thing for me..i still got a lot to learn in here..so much..maybe it has to be this way. So that i can learn more.. But still..trjumpa my friends all now wearing white coats..*in Paeds we are not wearing white coat*...they all in O+G now..so jealous of them...but..gotta keep my head on.. I'm going to survive this Paeds..will go through my 3rd CEX with 3 examiners..and don't get kicked out from Sabah. Aarrrrrggghhhh!!! somehow all this problem shouldn't happen in the first place if only i didn't lose my focus on the bigger things in life. I got carried away by unimportant things which had affected my life so badly..and now only i can think straight that the only source of problem is that insincere so called "relationship"..a chapter in my story that i wish i could re-edit, re-write, re-construct... And me be the persona in my story..living my life happily and more conscious of the cruel heartless world...

well..it's a good experience anyway in life.. I got to see different person..a jerk..a bastard..a loser..a nice one..a caring one..and whatsoever! Everyday i meet different kind of people. He's one of a kind. Indescribable.

Guardian Angel: Haiya!! how many posts oredi U keep writing about a person?! Get a life Rose!!
Me:...urm...in a bit later..can aa? this is d last one i promise..
Guardian Angel: U better keep ur promise!
Me: **wth?..i'm writing a stupid dialogue..who the heck is guardian angel??? Lantaklah!

Ok..since i promise my "Guardian Angel" to write about him for the last time..so this is it. I'm gonna write short..i'll try..hahaha.. Let's make a nice summarized story to wrap up this chapter of my life.

Once upon a time...the was thing called Facebook where all people of different level of intelligence and stupidity, all socializing in one social media which now scientist and researchers found it as addictive as drug! I was in that social media..shockingly! Hahahaha.. Ok..hmm..knew him from my hommie..Cilla. Who's the one responsible for approving his friend request. I swear it wasn't me who clicked the 'approve' button. Then at first i was just layan jer lah. I was quite free i guess.. n flirty too.. LoL..

We actively messaging and chatting. Of course I had him background check but maybe a limited one lah.. only vell and cilla whom giving quite good comments. Ya..i fell for it! And honestly, i found him interesting at first. He was so random, quite funny..telling random stories which were so.........random as well. He wanted to be a doctor..initially..which later i knew after knowing how doctor's life is like he completely changed his mind. So funny..but good thing for him not being a doctor.. doctor sucks! At least..maybe at least..i don't know.. his current job is better..although he keep saying that he feel he's not meant for his current job. He likes all those research thingy..and ya..he keep bragging of his successful malaria paper which been published internationally. Deserve an applause! Good for him. But I do hope that he will someday use his true potential in things or job that he really like. Pray for him.

Ok..messaging and chatting part went to the next level. The bizarre, extremely extreme first meeting. I better not tell the detail because it was bizarre. But one thing i remember.. it was of course awkward for the first few moments than amazingly later i didn't feel awkward at all. I was very anxious actually before meeting him of course..so many thing came up in my mind..what he'll be thinking of me after seeing me in person. Lol..i'm not a pretty girl at all. I got no charm, not a thing is interesting about me. So in short, a conclusion of the first meeting..we already start with a wrong step. Something that was more human than well...we are Believers..and it was far from that.

The subsequent meetings and time we spent together were...yes..fun..human like. Human that like to have fun and dislike to think of wrong and right. How we really feel about each other? Hmm..i guess we dun really have a true feeling towards each other..it was more like....I don't know how to describe it.. maybe for fun only. We've known each other for short time only. Too early to have feeling to each other. Well of course I did tell him few time that I "love" him. But i asked myself back..was it really to that point? No..not yet! even now..today 17/5/2014 @ 1.12pm..still not to the point of Love. Still too early..too raw..too sudden if i jump to that conclusion. But the feeling of liking is there..i did care about him..still do now even tough we are completely done now. I think this is what happen when u close to someone. You cannot run from feeling something for that person. He's nice juga bah..i'm not denying that. Not completely bad.

Every human made mistakes. So did him..so did I. I should have realize that we were completely doing and going on this relationship for fun only. While i'm slowly growing a deeper feeling towards him, I found out that he actually has another relationship which is far more precious to him than what we had. I guess I had this gift to suspect things that aren't right..I hate that i suspected something wrong. Later, I found a name. Not from his other facebook page..i didn't stalk him i swear. But as the saying said, curiousity kills the cat. Well..i was killed by my curiousity..haha..now i'm a zombie..khe khe khe..ok back to the story. xxxxxxx is that girl's name..first time i saw the name popped up in his phone..repetitively..n one time he tried to hide it cepat2..so dat's when i started to suspect something.. I swear..i'm not that kind of people who check other's phone..it happened by accident..i swear to God. Ya...relationship of more than 2 years. See! I'm a thirdy in here. Bad girl..! I should be punished! It breaks my heart badly. I couldn't live normal for sometimes. That's when i couldn't focus at all at my job. I failed all my exams in Paeds...which was super easy..i'm a smart girl but I got extended. I completely turn into a fool..macam org yg x penah masuk medical school..i became forgetful, i couldn't function well at my work.

So things become more twisted later. I remember he said that we were just the same. Both unfaithful..i msg with other guy too so did he with other girl. I feel like he's putting the blame on me instead like he never wrong. It stroked my brain, i got cardiac arrest straight away..that was so mean! Well..fair enough. Who am i to him anyway. I felt so devastated. Things were so unfair. All that i'd been giving him i did it honestly but instead he gave me a hard invisible slap on my face. I was lost..so in need for explanation which he reluctant to give even i asked for so many times. I basically, truly stood on a line..wanted to know but not want to know at the same time. More like just wanted to project all my angers. So hard to write this down but it happened od..so.. I know he really love that girl..just that they had a different religion. And according to him, the girl's family is so of conservative kind of thinking..sangat alim lah..x mau negotiate lah mau tukar agama2 ni. Hmm...doesn't look like a problem to me. He can just follow that girl anyway. He can't even eat seafood because of his allergy..hmm ngam sudah masuk tu agama..Pork part..hmm..like he can't eat it behind their back. Tu ja pun. Religion? Hmm..after they get married he still can do whatever he likes bah..unless the girl will kill him instead..or a queen control..or a serial killer..takut kana bunuh kali...hahaha.. kalu sblm ni pun pandai sudah curang2 blakang tu pmpuan..buat dosa skalian mustahil nda pandai buat walaupn suda kawin nanti..buduh oo...(for me i don't want to be with someone like dat for the rest of my life rationally). Lepas kawin sepa lg peduli..ramai pn begitu..dia pn masuk dlm tu group lah tu nnt.. Lol.. And just imaging my situation in this situation..the third party..like been keep as a spare..(the other guy call it like dat..then i realized..ya betul jg..)...he don't even like me..kept for fun only..

Hmm..mulut jahat sudah ni. Write inappropriate things. I do feel sad for him bah juga.. I know he's having hard time too..he's just a human..can't escape from mistakes..i know he sakit hati jg... He got problems too...his brother..he must be worried a lot about his brother...his job..which maybe he dun enjoy much.. and he said he don't have much friend or support there..sedih jg.. His conditions..his asthma..his thigh pain...i'm worried too..i hope it's nothing serious. With his gf tu..at risk of not been given blessing by the girl's family..kalu lah nda kena blessing..he must be very sad n devastated. Kesian dia..i hope the girl's family won't be so hard on him..supaya nda lah buduh sgt xmw terima org semata2 sbb agama..ok pn jg dia tu. *somehow i feel sorry for that girl if they end up together anyway..apa lagi if she know the things he had been doing behind her back..* I wanna be on his side to support him..but nda sanggup sy tahan sakit hati sendiri. Sakit bah hati. At least he still got his gf he can rely on and get support from.. Sy? sendiri sorg2 nda kana peduli..sedih..lol..sad but i still found it funny saying dat way. Never mind..i'm a positive person..at least trying to be one. I still my family..my friends..

Now that he's gone..i feel more...i guess normal again..less depressed..less heartache..more..normal. It wasn't really normal for me especially after i knew him. More humane rather than of what a Believer should be. Him also..we being apart maybe better..at least no more wrongdoings. It wasn't easy u know to lose him. I had to came up with the most dramatic actions and completely jahat plan. I purposely disturbed him while he's working..sparked the fight out of the blue after giving a happy-no fight-baik2 saja moments. Most of the time i said things i didn't mean..put all the blame on him.. Just to make him hate me and leave me forever. I deleted everything..his contact number and all..just to forget him..i wasn't so easy. I cried a lot. After what i had done to myself..i still can't forgive myself.. Layakkah lg sy d depan Tuhan?  Bah..masanya utk kembali ke pangkal jalan..kembali sama Tuhan..

At this point of time..i hope i won't see him again. I got feelings too...and in dilemma too... I want him to be the only one i be with..but thing don't go dat way..it's not my control. I have to accept that fact. So, need to head on..xpa lah.. Cilla said, it can't be the only reason to keep being with some1. Ya lah..honesty, sincerity and love must come first. Not just..the one reason... Lagipun..kalu lah i mean something to him..surely he'll stand for me..but no..he didn't..he never did n never will..i know.. Now..i need to take care of myself..  Sepa lg mw jaga my own well being if it isn't me myself. I need to keep my heart secured, take time to heal. I hope for a better future for me..not to be kicked out from Sabah most importantly.

I hope the best for him too. So that he can come back to the right way as well. Back to God. Me too..to come back to God.
I wanna say sorry for all the harsh thing i'd said. If one day he able to read this..i'm so sorry honey.. I did it purposely.. i wanted you to hate me.. Forgive me..
Please take care of yourself. I still care..but i need to take care more of myself now..i need to be selfish now. For my own good..and u too i hope..
I pray that he'll always be in good shape..his health...his asthma..his thigh pain...Tuhan sembuhkan dia. I pray that one day he able to show his true potential..job wise. That he'll be able to do things that he love the most..whatever it is.
Hon..i sayang hon juga..will always do.. I never regret knowing you..
I cherish every moments we shared..the time we spent..the funny things..the places..the foods..bak kut teh..chicken feet..the fights..the nagging.. and all...i miss them so much...
SM

Soooooo long.. ok lah! tutup lah ni cerita.. No more story about him! I promise!
Just a chapter in my life. Of course I  feel so sad letting him go..like a part of me is dying..but what can i do?
I'd learn a lot. and one day i'll be smiling thinking about this..i hope. I learnt the wrongs..and i want to do the rights.. starting from seeking His forgiveness. Come back to God.