Found one photo that I never expected to stumble upon to. His very own photo was taken  with my phone last time.. Bitter sweet. The picture he #sm used to share n to impress other girl while it was taken by some other girl's phone...my phone!!. Urrgghh.. I hate that part so much! Sangat dayus!... But I never saw it coming that I do miss him so much. I had this kind of feeling that's like...realizing how much you had love someone so wrongly and it had made your life up side down so badly for sometimes..and then he left u just like that.. I admit I miss him so much...only God know...keep thinking about him for an hour and this post..came out. I have to let it out somehow...to be at peace. I remembered everything..how can I ever forget. But this is one of the two things I will never forget. Second one is..when he said there's no future.. Oh gosh.. I won't forget these until the day I die... Ok..a bit easy now. Fuuhhh~~ thank you dear diary.. I am relieved that I never ever saw him anymore..now he is just a memory. Unfortunately..the darkest memory I ever have.

What love suppose to be like?
Is it suppose to make ur heart race or flutter? Does it always has to be like that..? I don't know but when love came this time..it's abit unexpected.

Thank you, Lord. I think I  have been opening up a bit. U know what? Time does heal a broken heart. And of course it's 90% came from your inner strength. It consists of what ur foundation is..ur belief and ur positivity.

I still believe that as long as I try to avoid my past from coming back to me, then I  will be OK. Yes..it works for me. It's not that I don't want to forgive and forget about my past. Forget..no, I will never be able to forget. Forgiveness? That's between me and God. Who said I don't forgive? I need to forgive. But it is not that easy. So as long as I  won't see that someone for the rest of my life, I  will be able to have a closure..and forgiveness. I thought it was well...for sometime. Until recently, that guy started to send texts again. Do u honestly think that I still trust u after what happened? And obviously u can't even keep ur own promises that u won't contact me anymore. It only lasted for few months then here he goes again. If what he want is some forgiveness then he doesn't have to worry. First of all..if i want to forgive someone or not..dat is between me and God. Or if he thinks that I owe him an apology.. I am deeply sorry for what happened before. I was too dumb to realize that I  had gone too far. I am sorry but please keep urself away from me. I don't want to see u in my future as a friend, as a stranger or even as anything. U are living a happy life now so don't make my life hard. Keep ur distance. I had been so happy and at peace this whole time until u texted that day. Ok. That's enough about that u-know-who guy. He is just a guy without a firm ground. Who can't even keep his own promise.

Hmm... I am scared if I had been too bad. But ermm.. Thank God.. I do feel better now..minus those recent issue I'd mention just now. But ya.. At least now it's better. Thanks to that boring guy. Oops.. Haha.. Iya.. I found one boring guy. Like...so boring..tidak romantic langsung! But he's nice and caring. Or at least he didn't look at out differences at jump into conclusion that we might not have future together. Instead what he said was it's fun to be different. He's not someone new though.. He had been there the whole time.. I just recently realise that I shouldn't be so hard on him. Things going on nicely so far. Though as usual..we are too busy with our own job. But I  tried to spend as much time with him. Anytime we can spare for dinner or meal together then we will just squeeze in. I'm leaving it all to God and I  don't want to do the same mistakes I did before.

Oh Lord... How should i do..? To open up my heart for him. He is still there..after all I had done to him.. Lord..make me forget about the past..the one who said there's no future.. Lord.. I am desperately need to forget and accept this honest man..
Aarrrggghhh... So stressful..

LoL.. the title sound so grand..bleerkkks! Dimensions lah sangat! Ok..Let's talk about other parts of life. Or what I want to write next is about my other dreams..house..car..shopping and love~..hehe.. Like usual.. I am still single of course and I am proud of that..eerr...not really. I'm sad..bila I bleh kawin ni??! Jeles..semua orang mau kawin sudah..Cilla is getting married soon. My single club members are getting less and less. Haiz..stress~and sad. All guys are basically running away from me. (Is it because I ran away as well..?) All saying the same thing.."there's a lot more guy for you out there.." The fact is there's nobody! Instead of trying to be there for me all those dear guys in my life ran away. Teruk sangat ka sy ni? I know I'm not pretty..I don't have supermodel's figure..I can be super rude and harsh if u hurt me...I don't easily forgive if u hurt me.. Haiz.. is there any one out there who can accept me just the way I am? I can only sigh.. Takpa lah..I guess all those guy will say the same thing just like that unforgettable one..:"no future with u"..sakitnya tuh disini di dalam hati ku. But once I care..I won't easily forget that people. It always took me very hard steps and methods to convince myself to go away..especially if someone said "no future"..

I quit my job!

Not quite yet..and probably won't happen. As usual this shitty posting where it full of bitchy witchy people (but not all) is of course the worst posting ever..and in KK especially, probably the worst in whole Malaysia. "Great" changes happened recently. The MOs in-charge in HO are the two of the worst people u can ever get in this posting. Tak lain dan tak bukan..dr.shit. I don't understand kenapa bah dia tu suka betul menyibuk pasal houseman...yang sudah terlebih aa. Macam houseman smua ni budak2 skola rendah yang kena kontrol guna cara paling childish skali. I totally can't agree with someone like that. It's not that I don't respect him but he's most of the time since forever..always over-the-top on everything. Last meeting with him he said, he is so proud because he made two housemen quit their job! What are you so proud of for things like that.? How can a human be so rude and still dare to ask people to be humble like him? Ever since I know him I never saw any kind of humbleness from him. Never! Haiz.. lama lagi sy dlm ni department.. entah apa lgdrama yang sempat sy saksikan disni. Talking about job.. ya. I got extended again. Likas is so not my place. I don't have luck in this place and I will never ever want to work here again after this posting. Meaning..I won't work in Paeds or O+G dept..NEVER! Kalaulah terrr...buang ke department ni..palis-palis... I nak nangis air mata darah sampai hypovolaemic shock! Tidak mau!!! Rela pergi district nun jauh dipelusuk dunia daripada masuk these 2 departments. 

OK.. enough about that shitty place. It has been always like that and will always remain like that. Now I need to think more about how to go from here..after housemanship..where should I go?? I can't think or decide..bingung kepala I. Kata hati..I want to stay in KK..QEH..into any department..Surgical or Medical maybe.. or any subspecialties yang kurang busy..bleh enjoy slow life. Haiz..or should I go to District Hospital or Klinik Kesihatan? Mau juga sy merasa keja di district or rural area. Work in a smaller community..everyone knows each other. Must be nice..and slow..everything is slow..not much high speed internet...bad roads..kena naik sampan ka..naik 4x4 baru bleh sampai.. Hmm..sound adventurous! But I'm not sure if I can't be up to that standard. Sejak sekian lama tinggal di KK, scared if I will become like those "city girl"..which I think I am towards that side...huhu.. Rose..kembalilah ke pangkal jalan! Yes! I am a kampung girl..I like kampung2 lifestyle.. and I won't turn into those "city girl"...hopefully.. Lol..mcm tidak yakin ja..hahaha..

Seriously! I need to push myself to think about this and decide. Fuhh~ ok. All this while I was always occupied with busy..busy..and busy-ness. But I still need to think!.. Urrmm...can I just be a housewife? Tapi bergaji doktor.. Hahhaha..I wish~~... Ow..another choice! Nak sangat keja goyang kaki kan..nah..pg try Psychiatry or keja sama JKNS..keja admin! Like what most of my friends here want to do. Honestly..memang ok bah. Tapi..entahlah..I don't feel too excited about that. Each time they said about that, I don't feel any "sparks". I think I want to pursue more in clinical field. Nak rawat orang kunun..direct service. Nak jadi specialist ker...consultant ker. Harap2 lah..amen! So the next step..tu lah..kena decide..mau ambil mana2 MRCP ker..MRCS ker.. Or ada org suggest..if u are not sure what to do, apply ja Master. Haiz..masa depan~~susah..susah.. Tuhan ja yang tahu.. and of course that u-know-who-sm guy..yang memang always say "no future" dengan yakinnya. Haiz..memang tidak bleh lupa sampai bila2. Anyway, the only things that we can do is to continue on the hard work..never give up..and just keep up moving forward! Walaupun ada orang cakap teda masa depan..peduli lah! I'm not that pessimistic.. I can't give up until the end! 

Bah! Kena betul-betul berfikir ni. Pasal masa depan ni..jangan main2 Dr. Rosa! Fikir and decide bagus2. Ok?! Ok~ sudah.. mari crita lain2 pulak...banyak sangat parts ni mw tulis. Ni lah hobi ku..don't try to judge me! I'm just doing what I like.. Ok..cuti sudah mw habis. Cepat ja habis 3 hari ni..haiz..bisuk keja lg..dah lah keja di HDW, (high dependency ward). It's not that I don't like very sick people..but the not-good part is I need to present cases during the Morning assembly. Nothing serious...just like in front of the whole department..eewww! Malasnya! 

Beringgis Resort and Spa

what was once a lunch..

horse riding at the beach..bestnyer kalu dapat naik..tunggang kuda I mean..

haze~~ can't see the sun..so unpretty..

I miss you so much i don't know why! God..give me strength to go through this. I can't see him anymore forever..that's that promise I can't break. Being here in this empty place reminds me a lot of the past. The past that's so bitter, I tried so hard to swallow, accept the fact and to forget. I don't want my short holiday to be wasted with sadness. But all I think about is him right now. God..he probably married and has his own family by now..a stronger reason to forget. I can only rely on You, Lord. Give me strength to carry on and to forget this instantly...

Tuhan tolong lembutkan hati ini..
Untuk terima dia seadanya..
Ker'na ku tak sanggup,
Ker'na ku tak mampu,
Melukakan hatinya..

Aaarrrgggghhhh... Geramnya.!! Otak mau cakap iya tapi hati bilang nda ready lg.. Diagnosis dilemma betul ni..aaarrggghhh.. Tuhan tolong...apa sy mau buat ni..mcmna mau ada hati yg lembut?? Wats my diagnosis ni..? Rose..bsyukur dgn apa yg ada..! Jgn nnt menyesal terlepas something yg terbaik.. Aaarrrgggghhhh...mcm mw destroy something...
Sudahlah bjiwang karat begini..still bingung.. Apa sy tulis ni..pun sy bingung..

Ok..cukup lah crita pasal benda2 ridiculous tu tadi. Let's talk about other thing... Travelling!! In hell-like place (o+g posting) like this, the thing u need the most is VACATIONS! Yay~~ let's go on a trip baby! Hmm.. the last time I went somewhere was last year November..to Bali. Bali was so nice..omaigosh..I really like that place! It's cheap, no language issue and totally worth ur time and budget. Overall, I only spent like 1K there..including all..flight ticket, hotel, driver and transportation, foods, souvenirs and others. So cheap and the place was amazing...so beautiful. It's like when u go to a place..it gave an "awe"....there u walk and go further in the place, u keep 'awe'-ing.. like..waaaahhh..cantiknya~~ only all the time. Bali is heavenly beautiful. I will go there again someday. 
Next trip will be Krabi...somewhere next month (August or September) or anytime from now. I really love travelling. I want to go to all the beautiful places in this world. And I tell u what.. my future plan.. after housemanship..i'll take at least a month or two cuti..just to go for backpack travel in Europe..for one whole month. Estimated time for my superb Europe-backpack travel plan will be next year..Feb or March. Ok..kumpul duit dari sekarang.. Hehe..sudah start kumpul.. ^_^v.. Huhu..bestnyer... 

Ok..semoga angan-angan ini menjadi. I really want to go to Krabi~ It must be accomplished! And the Europe-backpack travel as well! Mesti dibuat! Harus!.. huhu..skrg terasa pula mau share my top 5 wish list. Haha..semua mau dibuat sbnrnya.. don't matter the sequence..

last time..i wrote some so called prelude or watsoever. Haha.. bah..dua bulan kemudian baru ada sequel-nya. Hmm..macam biasalah..ada masa..ada urge to write..but slalu ja separuh jalan. Ada niat ja tapi malas betul mau buka laptop and internet pun kadang2 hilang. Anyway..bah..meh crite2 dlu.