Holiday Part 3.. Dimensions of life
LoL.. the title sound so grand..bleerkkks! Dimensions lah sangat! Ok..Let's talk about other parts of life. Or what I want to write next is about my other dreams..house..car..shopping and love~..hehe.. Like usual.. I am still single of course and I am proud of that..eerr...not really. I'm sad..bila I bleh kawin ni??! Jeles..semua orang mau kawin sudah..Cilla is getting married soon. My single club members are getting less and less. Haiz..stress~and sad. All guys are basically running away from me. (Is it because I ran away as well..?) All saying the same thing.."there's a lot more guy for you out there.." The fact is there's nobody! Instead of trying to be there for me all those dear guys in my life ran away. Teruk sangat ka sy ni? I know I'm not pretty..I don't have supermodel's figure..I can be super rude and harsh if u hurt me...I don't easily forgive if u hurt me.. Haiz.. is there any one out there who can accept me just the way I am? I can only sigh.. Takpa lah..I guess all those guy will say the same thing just like that unforgettable one..:"no future with u"..sakitnya tuh disini di dalam hati ku. But once I care..I won't easily forget that people. It always took me very hard steps and methods to convince myself to go away..especially if someone said "no future"..
There's no sparks...
I got really annoyed recently with Mr.W. I know I was too much..too rude. I don't know how I became like this. This job is basically changing me. Especially this posting, I become more and more "malignant". My friends at work said that I can be really malignant..they were shocked! And after I told my dear girlfriends Cilla and Siaw about that then I realize..ya..my job change me a lot. Cilla has been working as a Research assistant in ENT dept in QEH. So she had been mingling with doctors and hospital staffs. I think she understand more. She said she wasn't shock if something harsh came out from me..hospital staffs are basically too playful..sometime our jokes are not as harsh as it sound..kami2 ja bleh paham... I mean what I said to Mr.W recently is something like that.. What happened was..haiz...I nak mulakan cerita dengan keluhan yang berat ni. First of all..I cannot feel any chemistry with him so far. He is a nice guy..my gosh..the one that I won't hesitate to marry to. But..why I can't feel any "sparks"? He is so not my style! I think I was just pushing myself towards him because I don't want to hurt him but what happen all the time was..I end up hurting him. I end up being sarcastic and rude..and finally he said that I was mean and like to hurt people! Bravo Rose! Good job! But where is that hurting part?? To me it was joke..I was just teasing him for being "girly"..I know he's not..but he is just not a joking kind of person..he took the jokes too much too serious. See..? Where is the chemistry.? I think I need to be with someone like me..same job..so it will be easier to understand. Mr.W...? he most of the time can't understand anything. I feel so easy to read him..so predictable. But he said he can't understand me at all. Errmm..about that.. he probably right. I know he is very honest..I can't count how many time he express his feeling..But I just ignore. The point is..I am not ready! Give me more time.. I still feel hurt from the past one. I told him..I need at least a year.. Why nobody's taking my word seriously. One year is not that long. I can't help but to put a "shield" on my heart. It's still pretty damaged..haven't recovered fully. So it's like a reflex..he is coming closer but I can't help but to keep a distance. Why he can't understand that! Fuuhhh! This is a very complicated thing. Honestly.. I don't want to lose someone like him. He knows my past and yet he's OK with it. But now, he said he can't understand me and seems like he's going away. Can he give me more time? I need more time, my dear! I am so sad about that...but I can't do anything. I decided for us not to contact each other for a while. It's been almost a week now but I don't feel anything. But thank God he really didn't say a word for a while..which is good.. This give a personal time to think clearly. May be he's hurt out there..but I hope this silent time is beneficial not only for me but for him as well. Lets give it a week or two to calm down. Dear little heart..can u open up a bit? See the bright side of him..---> krik krik krik... uhh..not ready yet..I guess.
I just hope he's doing well out there. Nampak posts dia di wechat moments..tidak banyak tp Ok jg tu..ada yg saja bg sign la tu..tp ignore ja dlu..lol..jangan risau.. He's an adult. Pandai jaga diri. But honestly..I'm not that worried at all..barely thinking about him. Err..is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I want to buy a house...
I got my eye on one house which I think I'm going more and more serious about buying that house. Ok..most important question... budget. My maximum budget..400k. Ya.. I know. Houses in KK are killer-priced...I mean..too expensive. But this house I got my eye on cost 360k! Which is still expensive for me to take alone. I wish I can have someone(..a husband maybe..? LoL..mcm si mr.w pnya hint..i pura2 x tau..) to share the cost. But it would be nice also to have a house on my own..like I am the house owner. Ok..anyway..about the house. It's a townhouse concept house. No land..no private gate or fence..no backyard. It's a intermediate, double storey..3 rooms, 3 bathrooms..about 1100-1200 sq.ft. Jiran sebelah menyebelah sangat dekat..macam apartment pnya rupa skit. Actually i like the house juga. Thinking that may be I can't get offer as good as this one later on. The 360k price pun sebenarnya lepas tawar menawar..tp skit ja dpt..from 380k actually. Probably I will proceed with this house..Ok..kita tinggu dan lihat. Otherwise..hmm..I'm starting to imagine how should I renovate and decorate my future house..heehehe...angan2 besar makcik!
One more thing.. Housing loan! Mana bah bank yang paling OK ni utk buat housing loan. I went to one.. Bank Rakyat. People around always suggest these two banks.. Bank rakyat and bank Islam...mana lg murah and berbaloi.. Sy pn tak tau. Ada cakap tu..ada cakap ni. Actually it's very hard for me to do this. I am so clueless about all these stuffs. Terpaksa lah I bertanya sana sini. Xpa..malu bertanya sesat jalan. Nanti kalu sudah buat skali pastu pandai2 sudah tu..ada pengalaman sudah. Pasal mau bayar balik loan? Kita jadikan rumah tu investment..haah.. Tp kalu sy tinggal sendiri pn mau juga.. Lgpn it's my first house.. kalau lah jadi. Distance? memang agak jauh...lebih kurang macam tinggal d UCA2 dlu..just a bit further. Nanti lah kalu jadi..baru sy disclose mana tempat tu.. skrg..biarlah rahsia.
when can i have a car on my own...?
be patient my dear self... concentrate on one thing first..house. There are two house to concentrate on. Those I wanted to buy and one at kampung. These two are ur commitment now. But..if I want to buy a car I already have one in my mind. hehehe...it's a very nice one..it suits my taste I think.. Honda HRV! Mula2 dulu kecil2 I paling suka Honda CRV. One of my high school teacher have this green colored CRV which i found very pretty. Since then I had been liking those kind of car..SUV type. Then where HRV came out..waa..cantik oo..I like~. Went to Honda showroom recently to have a look on those cars.. they are so nice.. haiz...bila lah dapat memiliki kereta idaman I ni..? Sabarlah wahai hati..satu persatu kita settle. Jangan gopoh..jangan godoot.Bah..macam biasa..panjang2 ni crita. Haiz..tomorrow I'll be back at work. 3 days holiday is just too short..but thank God..at least I got to take holiday. Brief escape from the crazy world at work. Ok..it's getting late.. I better sleep now so that I can wake up early tomorrow. Let's do our best for tomorrows. Ganbatte!!
Love,
Rose..<3 comment-3--="">
Holiday Part 2.. I quit my job!
I quit my job!
Not quite yet..and probably won't happen. As usual this shitty posting where it full of bitchy witchy people (but not all) is of course the worst posting ever..and in KK especially, probably the worst in whole Malaysia. "Great" changes happened recently. The MOs in-charge in HO are the two of the worst people u can ever get in this posting. Tak lain dan tak bukan..dr.shit. I don't understand kenapa bah dia tu suka betul menyibuk pasal houseman...yang sudah terlebih aa. Macam houseman smua ni budak2 skola rendah yang kena kontrol guna cara paling childish skali. I totally can't agree with someone like that. It's not that I don't respect him but he's most of the time since forever..always over-the-top on everything. Last meeting with him he said, he is so proud because he made two housemen quit their job! What are you so proud of for things like that.? How can a human be so rude and still dare to ask people to be humble like him? Ever since I know him I never saw any kind of humbleness from him. Never! Haiz.. lama lagi sy dlm ni department.. entah apa lgdrama yang sempat sy saksikan disni. Talking about job.. ya. I got extended again. Likas is so not my place. I don't have luck in this place and I will never ever want to work here again after this posting. Meaning..I won't work in Paeds or O+G dept..NEVER! Kalaulah terrr...buang ke department ni..palis-palis... I nak nangis air mata darah sampai hypovolaemic shock! Tidak mau!!! Rela pergi district nun jauh dipelusuk dunia daripada masuk these 2 departments.
OK.. enough about that shitty place. It has been always like that and will always remain like that. Now I need to think more about how to go from here..after housemanship..where should I go?? I can't think or decide..bingung kepala I. Kata hati..I want to stay in KK..QEH..into any department..Surgical or Medical maybe.. or any subspecialties yang kurang busy..bleh enjoy slow life. Haiz..or should I go to District Hospital or Klinik Kesihatan? Mau juga sy merasa keja di district or rural area. Work in a smaller community..everyone knows each other. Must be nice..and slow..everything is slow..not much high speed internet...bad roads..kena naik sampan ka..naik 4x4 baru bleh sampai.. Hmm..sound adventurous! But I'm not sure if I can't be up to that standard. Sejak sekian lama tinggal di KK, scared if I will become like those "city girl"..which I think I am towards that side...huhu.. Rose..kembalilah ke pangkal jalan! Yes! I am a kampung girl..I like kampung2 lifestyle.. and I won't turn into those "city girl"...hopefully.. Lol..mcm tidak yakin ja..hahaha..
Seriously! I need to push myself to think about this and decide. Fuhh~ ok. All this while I was always occupied with busy..busy..and busy-ness. But I still need to think!.. Urrmm...can I just be a housewife? Tapi bergaji doktor.. Hahhaha..I wish~~... Ow..another choice! Nak sangat keja goyang kaki kan..nah..pg try Psychiatry or keja sama JKNS..keja admin! Like what most of my friends here want to do. Honestly..memang ok bah. Tapi..entahlah..I don't feel too excited about that. Each time they said about that, I don't feel any "sparks". I think I want to pursue more in clinical field. Nak rawat orang kunun..direct service. Nak jadi specialist ker...consultant ker. Harap2 lah..amen! So the next step..tu lah..kena decide..mau ambil mana2 MRCP ker..MRCS ker.. Or ada org suggest..if u are not sure what to do, apply ja Master. Haiz..masa depan~~susah..susah.. Tuhan ja yang tahu.. and of course that u-know-who-sm guy..yang memang always say "no future" dengan yakinnya. Haiz..memang tidak bleh lupa sampai bila2. Anyway, the only things that we can do is to continue on the hard work..never give up..and just keep up moving forward! Walaupun ada orang cakap teda masa depan..peduli lah! I'm not that pessimistic.. I can't give up until the end!
Bah! Kena betul-betul berfikir ni. Pasal masa depan ni..jangan main2 Dr. Rosa! Fikir and decide bagus2. Ok?! Ok~ sudah.. mari crita lain2 pulak...banyak sangat parts ni mw tulis. Ni lah hobi ku..don't try to judge me! I'm just doing what I like.. Ok..cuti sudah mw habis. Cepat ja habis 3 hari ni..haiz..bisuk keja lg..dah lah keja di HDW, (high dependency ward). It's not that I don't like very sick people..but the not-good part is I need to present cases during the Morning assembly. Nothing serious...just like in front of the whole department..eewww! Malasnya!
OK.. enough about that shitty place. It has been always like that and will always remain like that. Now I need to think more about how to go from here..after housemanship..where should I go?? I can't think or decide..bingung kepala I. Kata hati..I want to stay in KK..QEH..into any department..Surgical or Medical maybe.. or any subspecialties yang kurang busy..bleh enjoy slow life. Haiz..or should I go to District Hospital or Klinik Kesihatan? Mau juga sy merasa keja di district or rural area. Work in a smaller community..everyone knows each other. Must be nice..and slow..everything is slow..not much high speed internet...bad roads..kena naik sampan ka..naik 4x4 baru bleh sampai.. Hmm..sound adventurous! But I'm not sure if I can't be up to that standard. Sejak sekian lama tinggal di KK, scared if I will become like those "city girl"..which I think I am towards that side...huhu.. Rose..kembalilah ke pangkal jalan! Yes! I am a kampung girl..I like kampung2 lifestyle.. and I won't turn into those "city girl"...hopefully.. Lol..mcm tidak yakin ja..hahaha..
Seriously! I need to push myself to think about this and decide. Fuhh~ ok. All this while I was always occupied with busy..busy..and busy-ness. But I still need to think!.. Urrmm...can I just be a housewife? Tapi bergaji doktor.. Hahhaha..I wish~~... Ow..another choice! Nak sangat keja goyang kaki kan..nah..pg try Psychiatry or keja sama JKNS..keja admin! Like what most of my friends here want to do. Honestly..memang ok bah. Tapi..entahlah..I don't feel too excited about that. Each time they said about that, I don't feel any "sparks". I think I want to pursue more in clinical field. Nak rawat orang kunun..direct service. Nak jadi specialist ker...consultant ker. Harap2 lah..amen! So the next step..tu lah..kena decide..mau ambil mana2 MRCP ker..MRCS ker.. Or ada org suggest..if u are not sure what to do, apply ja Master. Haiz..masa depan~~susah..susah.. Tuhan ja yang tahu.. and of course that u-know-who-sm guy..yang memang always say "no future" dengan yakinnya. Haiz..memang tidak bleh lupa sampai bila2. Anyway, the only things that we can do is to continue on the hard work..never give up..and just keep up moving forward! Walaupun ada orang cakap teda masa depan..peduli lah! I'm not that pessimistic.. I can't give up until the end!
Bah! Kena betul-betul berfikir ni. Pasal masa depan ni..jangan main2 Dr. Rosa! Fikir and decide bagus2. Ok?! Ok~ sudah.. mari crita lain2 pulak...banyak sangat parts ni mw tulis. Ni lah hobi ku..don't try to judge me! I'm just doing what I like.. Ok..cuti sudah mw habis. Cepat ja habis 3 hari ni..haiz..bisuk keja lg..dah lah keja di HDW, (high dependency ward). It's not that I don't like very sick people..but the not-good part is I need to present cases during the Morning assembly. Nothing serious...just like in front of the whole department..eewww! Malasnya!
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| Beringgis Resort and Spa |
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| what was once a lunch.. |
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| horse riding at the beach..bestnyer kalu dapat naik..tunggang kuda I mean.. |
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| haze~~ can't see the sun..so unpretty.. |
God..give me strength
I miss you so much i don't know why! God..give me strength to go through this. I can't see him anymore forever..that's that promise I can't break. Being here in this empty place reminds me a lot of the past. The past that's so bitter, I tried so hard to swallow, accept the fact and to forget. I don't want my short holiday to be wasted with sadness. But all I think about is him right now. God..he probably married and has his own family by now..a stronger reason to forget. I can only rely on You, Lord. Give me strength to carry on and to forget this instantly...
Holiday Part 1.. Short one..
This is not the first time I took few days off during this O+G posting. But..dis time.. I took courage to go on a trip alone. Not so far from KK..an hour or less. So..here I am now at Beringgis Resort and Spa.. Spending 2 days and 1 night here...alone. Sob..sob..forever alone lah sy ni! Lol.. Nope! This one I purposely wanted to rest alone. Alone time..walaupun I memang forever alone..but i need more alone time to clear up my mind.
Masa ni..aku mau ambil utk fikir pasal masa depan..keja, rumah, kreta..and..others...like kekeciwaan yg baru melanda...ni yg bulum pn aku puas keciwa2 pasal yg lepas2.. Tidak sgka aku akan keciwa lagi..kunun...haiz.. Ok.. For now.. I want to sleep. Will write more later..
Masa ni..aku mau ambil utk fikir pasal masa depan..keja, rumah, kreta..and..others...like kekeciwaan yg baru melanda...ni yg bulum pn aku puas keciwa2 pasal yg lepas2.. Tidak sgka aku akan keciwa lagi..kunun...haiz.. Ok.. For now.. I want to sleep. Will write more later..
Take care of my heart...
I stick to one person.. I hate cheater..liar and dishonest people. If I want to give my heart to you..then I'll be giving my all.. I don't lie.. I don't cheat.. Please take care of it..please don't break my heart. If u destroy my trust in u even once.. I won't forgive u for the rest of ur life and I will hate u forever.
Miss...
I can't describe this. But u won't know this. How i miss you so much...it's killing me. Tuhan saja lah yg tahu..
Is love coming slowly....? Or just too slow..ly..
Hmm.. How long it will take for u to recover from a deadly, super hurtful breakup and to start a new relationship with someone else? Some ppl wont take long, not even a day..like u know who..him! Me? I really wish I can be like that.. Sob sob..sedeh! Buduh bah sy ni.. Obviously it's over.. I already in a most stable condition now..no more crying..no more pain. But!.. Huhu..why o h why..my dear little heart..please open up ur door to someone else.
To someone else....
Someone else like Mr. W.. Cuba ko tingu..apa lg kw mw cari na..??.. Cukup tinggi..muka Sino Kadazan, fair skin, non smoker, pandai masak..Christian..nmpk gaya family pn ok, quite a shy guy..and yg plg penting baik hati and nampak sgt keikhlasan dia.. Aaarrrgggghhhh! So stressed being like this.. See, tmbah lg..cuba ko ingat apa lg kunun yg dia buat? Yg paling sweet, hntr breakfast..hantar lunch n dinner d tmpt keja.....ikut pg church d Taipan...hehe..terharu jg bah tp..hati ini..hati ini..this liver..ehh..this ♥..knpa teda perasaan yg mendalam utk dia? Fikir2 balik..he always been there all the time. Although I always in my irritated mood when he ask questions...like Omaigad..i can be easily annoyed these days. He ask simple question but I can be so annoyed..malas bah sy jwb..then i just tell him honestly i was bored with him. Oh no..mcm ada kaca jatuh atas batu sy dingar..he must be hurt. Kejamnya sy..omaigad. Then the next few days he stayed quiet. Diam ja. At first I thought he already gave up.. No! Masih situ jg.. Then i got more and more irritated. Nda suka!! Please lah! Then ko tau lah sy ni kasar mcmna..nda bertapis ni kata2.. Then stayed quiet lg dia..tp dtg balik. Later on he couldn't stand it anymore..trus cakap.. "I can't understand girl or what a girl want.. But I am honest with you, I want to know u more. I know u r still heartbroken and u can't forget ur past..". "it's about time and chances..we always busy with work. I know it's not the right time yet..".. But what i did when i got this msg..? Lol..snapshot and shared it wif my girlfriends..hahahhaa.. I dun even reply him..kejamnya! I just ignored..mcm...krik krikk..whooshh~~.. Bunyi angin lg obvious. Honestly.. Of course lah..tersentuh jg bah sy dia ckp mcm tu.. But urmmm...ya.. I was not ready yet! Told him oredi.. I need 1 year to settle down..at least one damn year.. Sabar kw sana mr.W.. If u ask me to marry u next year, I won't hesitate to say yes! So get ready by now.. Next year I will marry u. Lol..but seriously..? What happen if this really happen next year? Krik krik krik... Sy lari dulu lah.. No comment. I remember the reactions dorg girlfriends sy.. Like..oo sweet o c W~~.. Waa this..waa that..~~. I was like..eerrrmmm..speechless.. Of course he got a lot of flaws too... I think he's a bit feminine..like too soft hearted..soft spoken..soft skit.. Lol.. I like manly guy...rough and manly..hahahaha..
So dear myself...
If u still u can't forget about that u-know-who..u better be aware of this..
No.1..Have u forgotten when he said there's no future for u? Have u forgotten that? No..just remember dat forever. He never even think of the future about u..never! Jadi knpa ko mau think of him in ur future?!
No.2..isn't it obvious od..recently..he obviously too obsess with someone else..hari2 goole search nama gf dia to make sure xda org tulis nama gf dia..adoi..please lah llaki tu.. Ko jg yg sakit hati..makin lah teda hati sy mau bebaik sma dia..mgkin klu dia x obsessed mcm tu..mau jg sy bebaik at least.. Haaiz...
No.3..he gave up on u! Bru ja ko stress2 yg melampau dat time..when u really need him..apa dia buat? He picked someone else! Not u! He left u when u still need him. Ko pn satu jg..melampau perangai..patutlah org lari..but..ya..i wish he would stay..i couldn't stand it when he left.
No.4.. Are u happy being like this? Are u happy when u can't forget the past and when u can't really move on? No..u r not happy, rite? U still cry right? U still think of him and cry alone right? Berbaloi ka tu? Langsung tidak.. Teda makna langsung..
If u still u can't forget about that u-know-who..u better be aware of this..
No.1..Have u forgotten when he said there's no future for u? Have u forgotten that? No..just remember dat forever. He never even think of the future about u..never! Jadi knpa ko mau think of him in ur future?!
No.2..isn't it obvious od..recently..he obviously too obsess with someone else..hari2 goole search nama gf dia to make sure xda org tulis nama gf dia..adoi..please lah llaki tu.. Ko jg yg sakit hati..makin lah teda hati sy mau bebaik sma dia..mgkin klu dia x obsessed mcm tu..mau jg sy bebaik at least.. Haaiz...
No.3..he gave up on u! Bru ja ko stress2 yg melampau dat time..when u really need him..apa dia buat? He picked someone else! Not u! He left u when u still need him. Ko pn satu jg..melampau perangai..patutlah org lari..but..ya..i wish he would stay..i couldn't stand it when he left.
No.4.. Are u happy being like this? Are u happy when u can't forget the past and when u can't really move on? No..u r not happy, rite? U still cry right? U still think of him and cry alone right? Berbaloi ka tu? Langsung tidak.. Teda makna langsung..
Haizz....dear little heart.. It's getting late...kejap lg habis sudah masa setahun ni. Jgn fikir lg pasal yang lepas. There are more people around u that treasure u more than what u think... So fikir lah bagus2.. We dun owez end up with the things we love the most. When u can love the wrong person dis much..just imagine how much u can love the right one.. Learn how to forgive so that u can forget..it's ok not to have all ur wishes.. Not all our wishes will lead us to happiness.. Just wish for the right path according to His great plan..trust God more. Open ur heart to other...embrace others..appreciate other's honesty.. If love is coming to u then open up ur heart for it.. Give it a space in ur heart...
Bah..ok..noted.. <--- sy jwb sendiri..lol..
Ok..saja mau meluahkan perasaan ni hari.. Haha..dun u worry.. I'm starting to have a..."twinkle"... Don't worry..next year i kawen..hahaha..yakin ja..
Ok..saja mau meluahkan perasaan ni hari.. Haha..dun u worry.. I'm starting to have a..."twinkle"... Don't worry..next year i kawen..hahaha..yakin ja..
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