NEW LIFE...
NOW....it's been 3 week in this Obstetric & Gynaecology posting. and also it's been several times i went to the Labour room as we students required to conduct at least 5 deliveries throughout this 9 weeks posting. The more I put myself in this field the weirder my feeling be. I know I'm not emotionally strong in many kind of things in this life..even though most of the time I pretend that I am strong. This posting gives me a weird experience of life that I....I can't even describe in words. The feeling that I never had before...and today...today was the day I was defeated by something so much greater than life..
I woke up like usual but this morning was with my on-ed laptop beside me..well..i was trying to finish my presentation ppt as this afternoon would be our group's turn to present some topics for this posting..unfortunately I fell asleep 'suddenly' last night..T_T..only manage to finish my Postpartum Haemorrhage presentation this morning. I went to hospital, driving on the road that i travel everyday and finally reached the O&G Dept. Labour Room..again..it's my group turn's to be here..at first, no chance to deliver a baby today..my group-mates 'booked' all the mother in the room od. Then i found out that there's a going-to-deliver-a-baby mama in that room with an anencephaly (congenital absence of the cranial vault and the meninges with the hemisphere completely missing or reduced to small masses) or in simple English it's the absence of skull bone and parts of the brain that present since birth. Well...i guess it's only my brain that working at that time recalling what is anencephaly and it's behind story...I didnt had any weirdness in my feeling...so..I just left..then went to the wards..followed the Specialist ward round in everywhere they were 'available'...then many many more things i did just to kill time..
Suddenly.... I saw a full term mama walking toward her bed after being examined in an examination room in the ward. She suddenly felt pain..ya! surely labour pain. she was rushed to the labour room and i followed her from behind..YES!! i got a chance to conduct a delivery today!! so this was the second time only I conducted delivery... and so...well...no one was born as an expert-like-the-gender-discriminator-midwifes-in-that-labour-room person since their first breath after being pulled out from the mother's uterus. of course i did had some lack of this and that...but even so..i'm still learning bah..so do the boy students...no need to treat a person so badly or so nicely just bcos of what dat person sex chromosome are made of.. OK!! back to the story...just make it simple..i delivered the baby boy (so cute!!!!) weight 3.0 kg.. Thank God..this new life You have given to this mother..the baby boy is her second child.
Then again..next to the mama that i help just now was the anencephaly baby case.. hm..she's been there for some times already..maybe it's not her time yet...(os was not fully opened..).
After a while...ya..this was it...another friend of mine conduct this deliver..[well..another sad story here, bcos of some people are born stingy n some are gender discriminator-like..my friend Nurul,a female(sex chromosome : XX) supposed to conduct this delivery...but the midwife didn't give full permission n only allowed to assist.. but suddenly the another friend JH, who is a MALE (sex chromosome :XY)...allowed to conduct the delivery FULLY!! WTF!! NO FAIR!! so pity Nurul~~)...hm...sad isn't it???...why o why...i don't get it...]...OK OK....again..back to the real story...the midwife informed the mama about the baby's condition and she told her that some babies would be able to survive up to a week if they are breast-feeded and also what she'll see of her baby..of course the mama was told beforehand about this condition...and i didn't really notice her expression.
The baby came out with a expected characteristic of anencephaly. I really had no idea what was happening inside me..my feeling..I CRIED...tears didn't stop from falling down..Oh Lord..the baby was breathing..crying a bit...but his(was a baby boy) head...not developed well..no cranial vault, shrinked hemisphere..n I guess it's the hindbrain.. Oh...I can't stop crying..I tried to hide but more and more tears were coming out...my friend gave the baby to the mother...I guess she not only crying bcos of the labour pain but was that she also going to loss her child...so sad..as sad as word cant never ever describe..as sad as I can feel my bone like going to break anytime..as sad as losing everything you have in this world...as sad as..I don't know what anymore... If I were that mama...I wouldn't know how to put myself together in such moment...it's been months they'd been living together..the baby breath and eat through his mama...a connection of nature..of unconditional love was built in such time...she wouldn't have the chance to see her son to grow.. become a kid..a teenager..a man that will protect her in her later life...ooo...this chest and this head felt so heavy...
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| Anencephaly Neonate |
Maybe I was the only one in that room at that time who was weak enough to face such thing...everyone was so calm..I didn't know how the feel..but I'm glad that I was touched by such feeling...for me to grow better emotionally..for me to appreciate life..for me to love my mom more and more...and for me to realize that God is above all...HE creates, gives and take it back...maybe to teach human to be real human..human with humanity...
Till the moment I write this words out..my heart is crying..my tears are falling down..like I wanna hear my mom's voice now..I miss my family....
love & respect,
~rose~
내 어마, 아빠, 동생이...사랑해요...<3
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2 comments:
Rose....I can't help but to cry too when I read this. I have the same feeling like u did. Well written. I had this feelin that, U'll gonna be a great doctor, not just for money or intelligence but u got that human emotions. U will take care of ur patient with love. Be strong Rose. God will always with u.
vell....i hope to be dat kind of doctor too...n fyi..d baby died yesterday(9th August)...he didn't able to survive longer...so sad.. anyway..i hope to learn something from this and from all the things that i'm yet to see... i hope you all there r just fine...enjoy ur precious day everyday...God bless you too....
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