roses.are.red: July 2014

Random quotes

The biggest mistake you can make is holding onto someone who has already let you go.

not exactly want to write this....

hmm...i'm getting bored of myself really. I wish I could be like dat person who able to throw away and forget everything that once matter in just a snap of his finger. Pooof~ just like that..gone. But it's harder that i thought. Screw it! Damn.. All that plays in my mind now was that moment when he pretended he got nose bleed after i not purposely (i swear..it's was a reflex..) punched his nose..and later he made that beautiful face of his fooling me around. I swear to God..that face...looked so HAPPY..i wonder if he felt that happy too.. I was so thankful that moment for me to have the chance to see that BEAUTIFUL happy face of his... I want to see them again my good Lord...i want to...

Aarrghhhh! Stop stat! Foolish brain of mine. It's just memories. Sooner or later i will forget them..and forgetting them is the best thing to do. Let time fade them away..

The best thing to do also....Let God handle.. I can only pray the best for him...

ok..in the end i came back to my rational, conscious mind...hm..not going to delete the above foolishness..haha. Bear in mind people...this is the truth..ready..i'm going to throw this out loud..

The best decision I ever made so far is to leave him..I'm so glad that I did. Even though it left a big ugly scar in my life but I'm glad with my decision! I may have been a fool along the way..like those what i just wrote above or when there's time that i thought I wanted him back...But yet between these foolishness..on top of that I'm glad that I made the right choice by leaving him. Congratulation to myself!! *clap clap* No regret, no doubt..

Kekuatan dariMu

I need Your strength oh Lord. At time when i feel like i couldn't breathe..at time when I feel weak..at time when I feel alone..at time when i feel like everything has been taken away from me...at time to let go of the things I can't have...at time when I'm losing myself...at time like now. Oh Lord..let the words that came from me came from You. Let Holy Spirit be my guide.. I need Your strength Oh Lord..

Amen...

Leaving u...Paeds...bye~~

DELIVERANCE....
It's a big word! I'm not sure really if i'm ready to write about this. I mean..it's it's been a rough windy road for the past couple of months and all I really need was to reach to a point of "freedom". Funny to mention freedom..lol. But my English is not so good and my vocabulary is actually just so-so..couldn't find a better word to describe what i mean. Anyway what i really want to be free from is....the guilt...

DARK DAYS ARE GONE...

After reading all my posts for the past few months of my dark season...@_@..one word..dumbfounded! Like I'm reading someone else's blog and not mine. Hahaha...so funny, stupid, crazy, and so not me..(i guess..) lol. Well it's normal to layan frustration..but somehow, i think i had been over the top. I want to laugh at myself..hahahaha. However, after i passed my exam and finally I can leave Paediatric Department...yeah~~another burden lifted from my shoulder. Still having the thought that it shouldn't be happening in the first place..i shouldn't get extended for 3 months. But I keep telling myself, things happened! And now you had overcome it. Congratulation to myself. Of course i deserve this and even better. But one thing for sure..I won't come back to Paeds..like ever again. 7 months was sooo long man..T_T.

EXAM AND NERVOUSNESS...
My last most precious exam in Paeds, 3rd CEX was with 2 specialistas, one who's in charge of all the housemen in Paeds, who is known for her strictness in exam..and another specialist who's super nice. I was nervous like crazy the moment i got to know the killer specialist going to take me for the exam. Feel like she already prepare all the documents for me to be transfer out from Sabah. Huu~~. Some more they didn't gave me exact date for the exam earlier. Day before the exam i got a call from her.."we'll take u for exam tomorrow..ok"..i was like..my knees banging each other the whole day..LoL. Day of exam, i checked every cases in the ward at that time. My Lord..like everything was there..from common respi cases, asthma or pneumonia could be my exam case.. cardiac, got acute on chronic rheumatic heart disease, got other CHD case as well..a room full of neuro cases..i'm going epileptic..others..dengue and some more..blah blah blah.. Finally...i got Nephrotic Syndrome..actually Relapse of Nephrotic syndrome..5 years old boy..very cheerful and bright..but not so helpful. Hmm...biasalah kids..difficult to examine..however..i guess my performance was...acceptable..able to appreciate the signs he has. Exam went quite smoothly..except some questions I couldn't answer. But in the end they give me a go! yes!! Thank you Lord..i feel like jumping in joy. Finally..after spent 6 months in Paeds. Punya senang actually...i just vomited out my best knowledge! Hahaha...sia-sia ja nervous brabis before exam..pass jg! But actually..it's good to feel the rush and nervousness. I think i'll be more worried if i didn't feel so..must be something wrong if i didn't.

HAPPY~~

Told my friends straight away...my UCA2 komsel group..my house mates..earlier during our komsel I asked them to pray for my exam. Thanked them for their prayers. Finally....i can feel some peace~~hahaha...so nice..that i can read magazines and novels..go jalan2 and enjoy without feeling guilty of not studying! Waahh~~only some people who can understand how i feel..the people who went through same thing..susah wei kalu kena extended..mo nangis..seeing all ur friends leaving u behind..facing the "stigma" from the department..like.."eh..Dr. Rosa..ko kena extend ka ni?? kenapa muka kw masih d sni?.." At first i felt so stressed out hearing that..some just laugh..but most of the people..nurses and colleagues gave support and encouragement to keep strong..thanks to them. Sooner, when people ask me so..i just ignored and convinced myself...it's God given advantage to me to learn more.

TO BALI WE GO...
As a reward to myself...not really a reward actually. I'm going to Bali in November! Yay~~ it's Nov 15th until 18th with Vella and Jacqueline. Bought the ticket a day before the exam...hahaha..so not really a planned reward for me passing the exam. But it's just a sudden decision made after Vell told me she just bought the ticket..so apa lg...i just tag along. Cilla is not going with us..so far there'll be just us 3. I got this new friend, Collete..so call my trip to Bali advisor..lol..everyday like talking about Bali and the places i should go there..hahaha..she really make me wanna go Bali asap. Huhuhuhu...long time ago i was hoping to go with ajushii...aarrgghhh~~feel so sad..nak nangis..sob sob.. Ok! Cut it off!! The pass is the pass! Forget it stat!

NEXT POSTING....

probably going to O+G dept. Another part of hell.. I hope i can stay strong and go through it alive. It's d toughest most heart-breaking some ridiculousness and stupidity posting..but..yeah..Lord..help me go through that later..amen.

OK...that's is for this time diary writing session..let's pray for a better world...no war please!

#nowplaying Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas

love,
~rose~

Exam CEX tomorrow

I'm having an pre-exam emotional breakdown... OMG..i'm just so scared.. And nausea n headache and palpitation too.. God..please help me pass thru this.. I've sin a lot but i'm asking for Ur favour..bcos i can't do this alone...

Getting married...? getting confused.. @_@

Saw my old friend wedding photos in fb few days ago. She got married to her childhood friend aka boyfriend..they r like the longest sturdiest couple..most faithful to each other. I'm so jealous..i wanna marry my childhood boyfriend oso...huhu...well.. I had the 'chance' actually..but thing were not mean to be..so melepas. Hahaha...but why everyone is getting married?! I'm still busy making money here..

Still like living in the past...

Hmm..arranged marriage. I don't think it only happen among Asian. Is it? Omputeh pun ada arranged marriage ka? Maybe before..long time ago. But the "civilized" earlier than us. Here the tradition of parents or elderly arranging marriage for their sons and daughters is still pretty much happening. Apa lagi kalau dalam kaum Rungus/Momogun. Nda lari la tu benda2 mcm ni. Bagus ka tidak entahlah. My mom and inai crita byk jg yg bahagia..tp ada jg yg tidak. Hmm..if I happen to be like one..hmm..err..@_@.. which already about to happen..like several times. Hahaha..kalau lah dorang mama sy nda pikir mau kasi skolah sy..bercucu cicit sudah dorg sekarang. Cheh~~..ko pikir..buruk2 pn sy ni ada jg org dtg melamar..merisik..meminang segala..and it was since i was 17!! Lol..tp sebenarnya...mama bilang nda buleh ckp2 tambirang benda mcm ni..nnt last2 forever alone..hahaha.. Tp bah..mau share2 cerita ja bah..since byk org main kawin2..kwn2 sy smua lg tu. Sy mw crita jg benda2 yg sama waktu dengannya. Anyway, usahlah mmbuka pekung di dada..biarlah rahsia..LOL.

hidup lebih bahagia ka?

macam tu juga..teda perubahan sangat sejak dilanda ribut taufan. Bah at least ada jg pengubat kesedihan kunun. Mau jg main sedih2..buang masa o sy d last 2 months..macam buduh2. Ni mau habis sudah posting Paeds..kena exam either dis week or next week..huhu..berusaha la Rose!!!! Jangan kena kicked out..buktikan yg kw boleh jd dokutul yg baik! yezz!! semangat tu penting! Jangan sebab manusia2 yang teda manner kacau hidup ko trus ko jatuh! Kena kuatkan semangat!! Jiayou!

rasa berbelah bagi...

ada ni bah si kawan...kenal sudah dekat 7 tahun. Sy crush sama dia 2013 April kalu nda silap. Pastu lama x contact..tiba2 contact2 n last week terjumpa pula si kawan ni. @_@..panas muka sy..mgkn jadi merah trus..jantung sy mcm mw terkeluar sudah... LoL..baru 1 minit bcakap trus rasa mw lari..n memang sy lari trus kasi tinggal dia terpinga2 disitu. Hahaha...n later jd mcm pelik pula..caring... dat's scary..

huh~ Tuhan...pa patut sy buat? X mau buat silap lg ni kali. Sy harap pa yg akan berlaku lepas ni biarlah tu smua seperti apa yg Tuhan kehendaki..dan bukan kehendak sy sendiri.

Btw, menurut perkiraan sy..i think he's quite a nice guy...dan yg paling penting sy rasa dia membawa sy lebih dekat sama Tuhan...slalu mengingatkan utk bersyukur dan ingat sama Almighty..which make me so...terpanggil utk kembali ke "cinta yg semula"..macam topic preacher d church tu hari..syukur..
Tp... biasalah..smua org pun ada kelemahan..biasa la bah org chingchong..kedekss sikit bilang c edy..lol. Sy x kenal lg betul lah..cuma mcm nampak gayanya mcm tu lah.. Hmm..actually..sy agak allergic sama org kedekut ni. Sy rasa teda apa yg kekal di dunia ini..mgkin ko bleh kumpul harta sebanyak mana pn..tp in d end x bleh bawa mati jg. So selagi kita ada sesuatu, apa lg kalu berkebihan..kenapa mesti jadi "conservative"..?

tp sebernarnya bukan tu yg buat sy rasa berbelah bagi...tp..hmm...ada lah tu. Yg penting bilang org...

no.1: kalu mw start relationship sma org..biar mula dgn ikhlas, dan jujur..jgn hanya sebab kecewa sama org lain trus nda sabar mw start relationship baru. Nah...penah jg sy terbuat ni dlu2. Jadi kalu suda tua2 begini buatlah mcm org dewasa.

no.2: carilah org yg bawa kmu lebih dekat dengan Tuhan...syukur Tuhan ada kawan macam ni. So..jangan lepaskan peluang..hahaha. Hmm..satu hal yang paling sy kesali was...ajushi-ajumma dulu nda pernah lah saling membawa dekat sama Tuhan. Pernah ja sy terfikir tp x pernah buat..malah lagi jauh dr Tuhan ada lah. Haiz..doa makan sma2 pun x pernah..sedih betul..

no.3: tiada hasad dengki sama sesiapa pun... Pa lg sama past relationship. ni lah masalah sy sekarang..macam sy berdendam ja sma c ajushi..selagi sy masih d kedudukan skrg, d paeds ni..macam dendam x habis2. Adoi..sendiri cari penyakit bah sy ni.. maafkan sy ajushi..mmg sengaja tu kasi sakit hati.. Tp mcm tu la saja cara sy utk rasa lebih tenang. thinking dat the more he hates me the better it is. kalu boleh sy mw jadi kwn yg bleh cakap mcm biasa..tp trus muka gf dia muncul di kepala sy..trus sy rasa bersalah betul sma dia.. adui..buduh punya otak...

oklah... serahkan pada Tuhan.. biar rencana Tuhan yang terjadi. Sy mahu berdoa supaya tiada lg hasad dendam sama tu org. Sama kasi lupa lah dia..sy tw juga kw sayang betul sama dia Rose..tp kasi lupa lah. Kalu dia bleh kasi lupa ko, knpa ko x bleh..?? bukan ni ka yg ko mahu tjadi..? YA! ni yg sy mahu dlu.

*random thoughts lagi..

k..till then... pray the best for my future..under God's guidance..

cukuplah diari untuk kali ini....merapuh ja keja..

roses.are.red

Random quotes

not exactly want to write this....

Kekuatan dariMu

Leaving u...Paeds...bye~~

Exam CEX tomorrow

Getting married...? getting confused.. @_@

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