whisper of the heart..
Day 3 in Kampung...
Ok..today's activity..dis morning went to Kudat Town to see my school friends. But only few of us were there. The rest were just to busy to come..especially those who have family of their own. Hmm..me..single and lonely. Hahaha... But, ya..dun feel happy now. Benci!! why i dun feel happy still!
This afternoon..me n my sister going to watch our favourite movies from Studio Ghibli, Whisper of the Heart. I like this so much. Watched it hundreds time..hehe. This movie is a 1995 Japanese drama film, story about young teenagers love. It's so cute. There's a song Country Road in the movie, (originally by John Denver) translated into Japanese which I like the most. The scene that i love the most is the last scene in the movie where the two youngster went to see the sunrise. So pretty.. i want to see the sunset as well..with the person i love..khekhekhe..
Bah..i recommend this movie to you guys..cute, innocent and nice. Honestly, i'm 25 years old but i still like watching this. In fact, I have a collection of Studio Ghibli's movie which I like so much! ^_^
the new floor mat
Just change the floor mat today...and this is the result...featuring Gwendal~
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| taa daaa~~ |
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| the culprit! handshake to make peace... |
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| he's making innocent face... |
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| cantik ooo~~ |
Closure..?
Hmm...mom asked me about him of course. Haiz.. Stresss!! Dono wat to say..i'm wrong oso..
May be it's right..u don't know how precious someone is until u really lost dat someone. Kalau ikut hati..i want to start all over again with him..to start right this time. But not now..now no good..so many things to settle first. And him oso..i think by now he really had given up on me..he didn't even reply my msg anymore.. T_T After what i had done to him..all the tension and blame..he's totally gone. But it's not wrong hoping for something like dis is it?.. Oh God..give me strength..
a LOSER like me...
But hey, everyone you wanna be
Probably started off like me
But hey, give it just a little time
I bet you're gonna change your mind
It ain't so hard to take
That's right
'Cos I know one day you'll be screaming my name
That's right
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
A loser like me
And hey, all I do is shake it off
I'll get you back when I'm your boss
'Cos hey, I could be a superstar
I'll see you when you wash my car
It ain't so hard to take
That's right (that's right)
And I'll just look away
That's right (that's right)
So everyone can hear
Hit me with the worst you got and knock me down
Baby I don't care
Keep it up and soon enough you'll figure out
You wanna be, you wanna be
A loser like me
How to stay positive?
Since i finished my AM review so early today..and my head is full of ideas..well..actually few ideas only. I was thinking how to stay in positive mode no matter what kind of situation u are in. Maybe not working but i'll experiment this and we'll see the result later.
One...instead of complaining of every hardship u r in..smile and say yes..another easy job to be done...going to finish this with a snap of my fingers.
Two...set ur mind to be cool all the time. Somebody give u hard time, be cool. Sure enough that person is not as cool as u. Hahaha..
Three...urrmmm..lost of idea od. Ok.. Remain calm n steady when problems come. Although this never work with me. I always like..scream at d top of my lung each time.
Four...ok..this is my favourite. Maybe sounds crazy but i like this. Make a little "drama"....well not dat complicated kind of drama. Just make a simple imagination of how the ending u expect to be...make fun of it..make it fun.. I imagine myself on d top of the world in the end of d drama..hohohoho. Of coz not always work out but at least it's fun.
Five...thought blocked od.. Ok..the end.
Hm..no matter how hard ur problem is it's best when u stay positive, optimistic, strong and keep holding on and believe in urself.
Get helps..be open, be extrovert if u think u can't stand alone. There's always an opened door in every room..or at least window..or ceiling opening..(is there such thing..?)..or ventilation system which lead outside to get out from ur problem. Every problem got its solution..or else it's not a problem. It's a unchangeable fact instead. And remember..when all 4 walls around u are trapping u in..the roof will always be opened to u. Bcos God from above will always come to help..
about you..
Guardian Angel: Haiya!! how many posts oredi U keep writing about a person?! Get a life Rose!!
Me:...urm...in a bit later..can aa? this is d last one i promise..
Guardian Angel: U better keep ur promise!
Me: **wth?..i'm writing a stupid dialogue..who the heck is guardian angel??? Lantaklah!
Ok..since i promise my "Guardian Angel" to write about him for the last time..so this is it. I'm gonna write short..i'll try..hahaha.. Let's make a nice summarized story to wrap up this chapter of my life.
Once upon a time...the was thing called Facebook where all people of different level of intelligence and stupidity, all socializing in one social media which now scientist and researchers found it as addictive as drug! I was in that social media..shockingly! Hahahaha.. Ok..hmm..knew him from my hommie..Cilla. Who's the one responsible for approving his friend request. I swear it wasn't me who clicked the 'approve' button. Then at first i was just layan jer lah. I was quite free i guess.. n flirty too.. LoL..
Ok..messaging and chatting part went to the next level. The bizarre, extremely extreme first meeting. I better not tell the detail because it was bizarre. But one thing i remember.. it was of course awkward for the first few moments than amazingly later i didn't feel awkward at all. I was very anxious actually before meeting him of course..so many thing came up in my mind..what he'll be thinking of me after seeing me in person. Lol..i'm not a pretty girl at all. I got no charm, not a thing is interesting about me. So in short, a conclusion of the first meeting..we already start with a wrong step. Something that was more human than well...we are Believers..and it was far from that.
The subsequent meetings and time we spent together were...yes..fun..human like. Human that like to have fun and dislike to think of wrong and right. How we really feel about each other? Hmm..i guess we dun really have a true feeling towards each other..it was more like....I don't know how to describe it.. maybe for fun only. We've known each other for short time only. Too early to have feeling to each other. Well of course I did tell him few time that I "love" him. But i asked myself back..was it really to that point? No..not yet! even now..today 17/5/2014 @ 1.12pm..still not to the point of Love. Still too early..too raw..too sudden if i jump to that conclusion. But the feeling of liking is there..i did care about him..still do now even tough we are completely done now. I think this is what happen when u close to someone. You cannot run from feeling something for that person. He's nice juga bah..i'm not denying that. Not completely bad.
So things become more twisted later. I remember he said that we were just the same. Both unfaithful..i msg with other guy too so did he with other girl. I feel like he's putting the blame on me instead like he never wrong. It stroked my brain, i got cardiac arrest straight away..that was so mean! Well..fair enough. Who am i to him anyway. I felt so devastated. Things were so unfair. All that i'd been giving him i did it honestly but instead he gave me a hard invisible slap on my face. I was lost..so in need for explanation which he reluctant to give even i asked for so many times. I basically, truly stood on a line..wanted to know but not want to know at the same time. More like just wanted to project all my angers. So hard to write this down but it happened od..so.. I know he really love that girl..just that they had a different religion. And according to him, the girl's family is so of conservative kind of thinking..sangat alim lah..x mau negotiate lah mau tukar agama2 ni. Hmm...doesn't look like a problem to me. He can just follow that girl anyway. He can't even eat seafood because of his allergy..hmm ngam sudah masuk tu agama..Pork part..hmm..like he can't eat it behind their back. Tu ja pun. Religion? Hmm..after they get married he still can do whatever he likes bah..unless the girl will kill him instead..or a queen control..or a serial killer..takut kana bunuh kali...hahaha.. kalu sblm ni pun pandai sudah curang2 blakang tu pmpuan..buat dosa skalian mustahil nda pandai buat walaupn suda kawin nanti..buduh oo...(for me i don't want to be with someone like dat for the rest of my life rationally). Lepas kawin sepa lg peduli..ramai pn begitu..dia pn masuk dlm tu group lah tu nnt.. Lol.. And just imaging my situation in this situation..the third party..like been keep as a spare..(the other guy call it like dat..then i realized..ya betul jg..)...he don't even like me..kept for fun only..
Hmm..mulut jahat sudah ni. Write inappropriate things. I do feel sad for him bah juga.. I know he's having hard time too..he's just a human..can't escape from mistakes..i know he sakit hati jg... He got problems too...his brother..he must be worried a lot about his brother...his job..which maybe he dun enjoy much.. and he said he don't have much friend or support there..sedih jg.. His conditions..his asthma..his thigh pain...i'm worried too..i hope it's nothing serious. With his gf tu..at risk of not been given blessing by the girl's family..kalu lah nda kena blessing..he must be very sad n devastated. Kesian dia..i hope the girl's family won't be so hard on him..supaya nda lah buduh sgt xmw terima org semata2 sbb agama..ok pn jg dia tu. *somehow i feel sorry for that girl if they end up together anyway..apa lagi if she know the things he had been doing behind her back..* I wanna be on his side to support him..but nda sanggup sy tahan sakit hati sendiri. Sakit bah hati. At least he still got his gf he can rely on and get support from.. Sy? sendiri sorg2 nda kana peduli..sedih..lol..sad but i still found it funny saying dat way. Never mind..i'm a positive person..at least trying to be one. I still my family..my friends..
Now that he's gone..i feel more...i guess normal again..less depressed..less heartache..more..normal. It wasn't really normal for me especially after i knew him. More humane rather than of what a Believer should be. Him also..we being apart maybe better..at least no more wrongdoings. It wasn't easy u know to lose him. I had to came up with the most dramatic actions and completely jahat plan. I purposely disturbed him while he's working..sparked the fight out of the blue after giving a happy-no fight-baik2 saja moments. Most of the time i said things i didn't mean..put all the blame on him.. Just to make him hate me and leave me forever. I deleted everything..his contact number and all..just to forget him..i wasn't so easy. I cried a lot. After what i had done to myself..i still can't forgive myself.. Layakkah lg sy d depan Tuhan? Bah..masanya utk kembali ke pangkal jalan..kembali sama Tuhan..
At this point of time..i hope i won't see him again. I got feelings too...and in dilemma too... I want him to be the only one i be with..but thing don't go dat way..it's not my control. I have to accept that fact. So, need to head on..xpa lah.. Cilla said, it can't be the only reason to keep being with some1. Ya lah..honesty, sincerity and love must come first. Not just..the one reason... Lagipun..kalu lah i mean something to him..surely he'll stand for me..but no..he didn't..he never did n never will..i know.. Now..i need to take care of myself.. Sepa lg mw jaga my own well being if it isn't me myself. I need to keep my heart secured, take time to heal. I hope for a better future for me..not to be kicked out from Sabah most importantly.
I hope the best for him too. So that he can come back to the right way as well. Back to God. Me too..to come back to God.
I wanna say sorry for all the harsh thing i'd said. If one day he able to read this..i'm so sorry honey.. I did it purposely.. i wanted you to hate me.. Forgive me..
Please take care of yourself. I still care..but i need to take care more of myself now..i need to be selfish now. For my own good..and u too i hope..
I pray that he'll always be in good shape..his health...his asthma..his thigh pain...Tuhan sembuhkan dia. I pray that one day he able to show his true potential..job wise. That he'll be able to do things that he love the most..whatever it is.
Hon..i sayang hon juga..will always do.. I never regret knowing you..
I cherish every moments we shared..the time we spent..the funny things..the places..the foods..bak kut teh..chicken feet..the fights..the nagging.. and all...i miss them so much...
SM
Soooooo long.. ok lah! tutup lah ni cerita.. No more story about him! I promise!
Just a chapter in my life. Of course I feel so sad letting him go..like a part of me is dying..but what can i do?
I'd learn a lot. and one day i'll be smiling thinking about this..i hope. I learnt the wrongs..and i want to do the rights.. starting from seeking His forgiveness. Come back to God.
WANT TO SCREAM!
Hmm..i wrote this title a while ago when situation was a bit different. I fell like wanna screammmmmm!!! Aaarrgghhh!! ok stop! Silent scream may be not helpful here..well i can't scream now..alone at home, nnt jiran pikir i dah kena sampuk..LOL. Anyway, the reasons to scream are..
One... I got extended in Paeds!! I feel like shit! This shouldn't happen if i didn't get distracted by my personal stupid issues. I failed repeatedly in all exams. Now my life is hanging by the thread..if i fail my 3rd CEX i'll be tranferred out of Sabah...which i feared so much..
Two... No holiday at all! Nowadays, Paeds dept dun give a damn day off for the whole month..maybe year..so stupid! Even machine get its rest sometimes..urm..maybe some some machine need to works around the clock but we are human!! Are u freaking insane. I got no life like this..urmm again..not really no life but..dis is still crazy man. I dun even have time to visit my family in kampung.
Three... At home in Kg. Things aren't good. My mom got injured after she tripped and fell earlier this week. I feel so sad. I can't even go and see them because i can't get out from here. My omma called and she's so need help..my papa don't even care.. i don't know what's happening in there anymore. I feel like I'm not helping at all. I only focus on my personal issue this recent and i missed the more important matter. I hope i can get cuti the end of May..just to go back home and be with them.
Four.. Ok..personal issue. which yes..had been turning my life up side down. It's none to blame to actually.This whole time I always looking for something, someone to blame it on. I blame it on Ajushii..well he deserve to be blamed of i guess..haha..so cruel. I blame it on my job..on me! But all of the problems are my problem anyway. It's me who couldn't handle the situation. Blaming it on other just don't make the problem vanished or solved. It gave me more burdens..but for now..let's things cool down..i need t focus on how to thrive here.
ok..i need to focus on my life more..restore to my previous state..and the point to restore at is before i know Ajushii. I'm not saying that the live before that point was the best..no! i still got a lot of problems that time. But if i had the chance to rewrite the story beyond that point i would. My life would be different now i guess. Ok.. got a lot to write but later lah..in different page..
ok..to myself...keep ur head real...ur mind in sane state.. Don't be grumpy!
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